🚀 go-pugleaf

[ Article crossposted from cmh.general,gcfreenet.politics.issues,misc.legal ]
[ Author was James Brady ]
[ Posted on 10 May 1997 06:27:00 -0400 ]


Mike Harden has given me permission to post following copyrighted article
published Monday May 5, 1997 in the Columbus Dispatch.  He is syndicated
and is published in 350 newspapers. 
 
{note by Brady: HB 112 acutally uses and defines phrase "private parts."}
 
May 5 (1997)
Harden/On nudity
 
    A lot of Ohioans believe state Rep. George Terwilleger, R- Maineville,
when he says, "I am not trying to legislate morality."
 
    But then, a lot of Ohioans believed Richard Nixon when he said, "I am
not a crook."
 
    Terwilleger is sponsor of House Bill 112, which would make it a crime
for women to go topless or wear thong bikinis in state or national parks
in Ohio. 
 
    House Bill 112 is one of those wonderfully comical bills that -- no
matter how serious the intentions of the legislators -- usually causes
politicians to disintegrate into giggles and guffaws like sixth-graders
telling breast jokes in the cloakroom. 
 
    Consider, for a moment, Page 2 of the bill, which attempts to define
precisely what an exposed breast is. Imagine, as you read the following,
that a Barney Fife-type park ranger at Alum Creek beach is standing
beneath a blazing sun in his starched uniform trying to read Section
1501.45, Paragraph A, Lines 40, 41 and 42 to a woman he is about to
arrest: 
 
    "A female's breast is exposed if a portion of the areola, nipple, or
area of the breast below the top of the areola, other than the area
between the breasts, is visible."
 
    Ohioans, be glad that your state legislature has a firm grasp of the
critical issues facing Ohio today. 
 
    Be glad that Terwilleger isn't running for governor. 
 
    As best I can tell, George Terwilleger has a handful of constituents
who wander out to the state park beaches on Sunday after they've put away
all the copperheads in the snake box at church, and who just want to
arbitrate morality for the rest of us. 
 
    Since the bill was passed by the House, I have heard more than a
little grumbling from women who think it is sexist -- it is decidedly
gender-specific about who the apparent offenders are likely to be. 
 
    Accordingly, as it has yet to be addressed by the Ohio Senate, I have
developed three proposed amendments that will make certain that when the
bill eventually becomes law, it will address evenhandedly all issues of
indecent exposure regardless of gender. 
 
    The first deals with the wearing of Speedo bathing suits by males for
whom the fashion police have outstanding warrants: 
 
    Sec. 1501.45 shall be amended to read, "Nor shall any male whose
weight is greater than 165 pounds, or whose waist size is larger than 32,
be permitted to wear a bikini-type, stretch-fabric bathing suit designed
to enhance the public view of silhouetted private parts in such a way as
to cause general revulsion and/or nausea among other persons on the beach.
Said subject shall also be in violation of Section 1501.45, ORC if one or
more rolls of abdominal fat and/or cellulite prevent the suit from being
viewed at all."
 
    My second amendment deals with men's breasts: 
 
    Sec. 1501.45 shall further be amended to read, "Nor shall any male
whose breast size is larger than a 34, C cup, expose said breasts in
public places where they might likely be viewed as an affront by others.
Male breasts of the size specified shall be harnessed, girdled, haltered
or otherwise protected from public view in such a way that no portion of
the areola, nipple or area of the breast below the top of the areola,
including the area between the breasts, is visible."
 
    Finally, to protect the overall scenic view along Ohio beaches, I
submit one last amendment: 
 
    Sec. 1501.45 shall further be amended to read, "Nor shall any male be
permitted to wear bathing trunks in such a way that when he crouches,
squats or bends, it shall cause to be exposed to those in the general
vicinity what has come to be known as 'the workingman's smile,' i.e. a
section of rump cleavage greater than 1 inch in length."
 
    I also believe, as Terwilleger's bill prohibits nudity only on Ohio
parks "land or water," that he needs an amendment that will include the
skies so as to prevent topless parasailing. But then I'm sure one of his
aides has already pointed out this glaring omission. 
 
    Mike Harden -- mharden@dispatch.com -- is a Dispatch columnist.