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   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 67)
   May 13, 2002
   O'Reilly Pissed Off Edition

   Look out Drudge, ol' Bill's a gunning for ya! O'Reilly shoots his way
   to the top of the chart this week with a most excellent celebrity
   death-threat. But that's not all. Our favorite Republican scandal
   Enron (2) is back in the news; now they've been caught fiddling with
   the power supply in California. George W. Bush (3) returns after an
   absence of several weeks and the ever-idiotic John Ashcroft (4) wants
   Bill O'Reilly to be able to carry out his threat more easily.
   Meanwhile Drew Carey (6) makes his debut appearance (but we fear it
   may not be his last) and Guy Velella (8) is the latest Republican to
   go down on corruption charges. And at the very bottom of the barrel we
   find a man who really deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award for
   Conservative Idiocy - Dan Quayle (10).

   Please be aware that we are running a little low on cash this week, so
   we were unable to afford those cute little icons next to the names.
   Help a needy webmaster purchase valuable icons... Donate to our
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   1 Bill O'Reilly
   What do you do if you're a egotistical conservative who figures
   there's money to be made in talk radio, but your banter is way too
   lame to impress radio stations across the country? Do what any
   self-serving conservative would do, of course - line their pockets.
   Clearly the media is still too liberal and conservatives just aren't
   getting enough airtime on the AM band because last week Bill
   O'Reilly's new talk show debuted on a record number of stations across
   the country. But it was red-face time for Blowhard Bill when Matt
   Drudge reported on his website that the stations were being paid to
   carry O'Reilly's show - a "dramatic reversal from normal radio
   practice." Oh dear. So what was O'Reilly's response to the Drudge
   accusations? Typically conservative, I'm afraid. Taking a leaf from
   the Anne Coulter Hitman's Handbook (see Idiots 54) O'Reilly announced
   on "Imus in the Morning" that "There is no other cure than to kill
   Matt Drudge." Fair and balanced all the way, Bill!

   2 Enron
   Behold the power of unchecked capitalism and corporate deregulation -
   the two things which truly make America great. It was revealed last
   week that Enron lawyers wrote a memo in December 2000 detailing how
   the company could shaft the consumers of California by creating
   phantom congestion and making phony sales among its affiliates to bump
   up electricity prices. Of one strategy, lawyers wrote, "The net effect
   of these transactions is that Enron gets paid for moving energy to
   relieve congestion without actually moving any energy or relieving any
   congestion." Another method involved Enron sending energy out of, and
   then back into California, to avoid price caps. Now presumably the
   boys in Houston assumed that nothing bad would befall them since their
   guy was already installed in the White House at this point - and guess
   what? They were right. Yup, if your corporation owns the White House,
   you can do pretty much anything you like. Oh, wait a minute - George
   "Honor and Integrity" Bush doesn't even know Ken Lay, does he?

   3 George W. Bush
   Good old Dubya really stepped on some toes last week by blocking an
   international drive to promote teen sex education. Bush laughably
   believes that chastity before marriage is very important (of course he
   was still a virgin when he married Pickles, what are you insinuating?)
   and therefore the rest of the world should just shut up about sex,
   right now. Several European Union governments are extremely pissed off
   by Bush's refusal to sign a United Nations declaration on children's
   rights, "unless pledges on sexual health services are scrapped,"
   according to the London Observer. That's probably George's definition
   of leaving no child behind. Apparently every minute five people under
   25 are infected with HIV worldwide - and George's solution is to tell
   them to simply stop having sex. Well, if it works for Catholic priests
   it'll probably work for hormonal teenagers, right?

   4 John Ashcroft
   In an interesting Constitutional law development last week, John
   Ashcroft basically told the Supreme Court that they can stick 60 years
   of federal policy where the sun don't shine. See, according to
   Ashcroft, the Second Amendment gives individuals the right to bear
   arms. Never mind the opinions of the Supreme Court, most legal
   scholars, and even the Justice Department itself since 1939. And so,
   in the midst of civil liberties crackdowns and First Amendment zones,
   Herr Ashcroft thinks that the best solution to fighting terrorism is
   to make sure there are more guns out on the streets, and that they are
   more easily available. Incidentally, according to the Violence Policy
   Center, 28,874 Americans were killed with guns in 1999. But that's
   okay by John Ashcroft because... most of them were probably criminals
   anyway... and cars must have killed a lot more... and, well, gun crime
   is going up in Britain doncha know... and, um, well, what? Are you
   going to ban knives next? You can pry them from my cold dead fingers!
   Get your hands off me you stinking communist!

   5 Barbara Bush
   Vroom! Vroom! It appears that former first lady Barbara Bush is not
   the genteel old lady that we thought. Last week Newsweek reported that
   until recently, NASCAR Bar liked to race around the sleepy town of
   Kennebunkport, Maine in a black TransAm. Yes, the rusty old jalopy was
   often seen out and about, zooming round the backstreets and tearing up
   the country lanes - although sometimes she decided to walk instead
   (boom tiss). But sadly, Bar says she had to give up her beloved wheels
   due to potential, um, family issues. "That car was an invitation for
   one of the grandchildren to get arrested. The last thing we need is
   for another one of them... " Bar stopped speaking midsentence, so her
   family secret is still safe. But to be honest, I don't really know
   what she's so worried about - if you're a Bush you can get arrested
   for DUI or your wife can kill someone while driving, and you'll still
   end up in the White House!

   6 Drew Carey
   I used to enjoy Drew Carey's portrayal of an unattractive-but-lovable
   everyday blue-collar guy. But I'm afraid after the White House Press
   Dinner last week I'm going to view him from now on as an
   unattractive-and-hate-filled brown-nosing George Bush butt-licker.
   Carey told some hilarious jokes throughout the evening, such as, "He
   won. They lost. That's what happened." And, "There was no vote rigging
   or any of that crap." Funny stuff, huh?

   7 The Bush Administration
   Environmental Protection Agency? That's a laugh. What "protection
   agency" would create a new rule which would allow coal mining
   companies to fill streams, rivers and wetlands with industrial waste?
   Yet that's just what the Bush administration proposed last week. The
   rule would overturn Army Corps of Engineers regulations which prohibit
   mining companies from dumping waste in nearby waterways. Guess Earth
   Day is just something that happens to other planets, eh George?
   Fortunately a federal judge blocked the rule, calling it a violation
   of the 1977 Clean Water Act and saying that, "Only the United States
   Congress can rewrite the Act to allow fills with no purpose or use but
   the deposit of waste." Still, since when has something so
   insignificant as the United States Congress gotten in the way of the
   Bush Administration's decision making?

   8 Guy Velella
   Here's an update on the Grand Old Party of Morals, Values, and
   Personal Responsibility. Guy Velella, a Republican state senator from
   New York, surrendered last week after he was charged with taking cash
   bribes from companies in return for state bridge painting contracts.
   According to the Associated Press, "Reports linking the senator to the
   bribery investigation surfaced two years ago, just weeks before he was
   last reelected. At the time, he called the accusations politically
   motivated." Oh well - just because attacks are politically motivated
   doesn't mean that you're not a lying crook. Have you ever noticed that
   the Republicans seem to be constantly shouting about criminal
   Democrats, despite any lack of evidence, while members of their own
   party keep going to jail on corruption charges? Oh well.

   9 Stephen Limbaugh
   Justice Stephen Limbaugh, who is - yes! - related to our favorite
   sweat-trap Rush "lard-lad" Limbaugh, came to an interesting conclusion
   about video games last week: "[There is] no conveyance of ideas,
   expression, or anything else that could possibly amount to speech. The
   court finds that video games have more in common with board games and
   sports than they do with motion pictures." Limbaugh obviously studied
   video games extensively for his research, since he listed in his
   opinion "Fear Effect", "Doom" (which is nearly 10 years old), "Mortal
   Combat" (um, don't you mean "Kombat?"), and "The Resident of Evil
   Creek" (er, I'm sure that's "Resident Evil." You know - they made it
   into a movie). See, apparently NO video games count as free speech,
   because the ones Limbaugh reviewed - oh-so-thoroughly - did not
   contain "extensive plot and character development." So there you have
   it: proof that spouting endless crap on subjects you know nothing
   about is a trait which definitely runs in the Limbaugh family...

   10 Dan Quayle
   And finally, the award for the longest-running spin of all time goes
   to... Dan Quayle. The guy is starting to sound like a broken record.
   Dan popped up from whatever dank hidey-hole he's been lurking in to
   announce last week (for the 10,000th time) that... he was right about
   Murphy Brown! (No, not this again.) Quayle took a slightly different
   tack this time, telling reporters at the National Press Club that, "I
   never criticized single mothers. What I was trying to do was point out
   the reality of their struggles and the difficulties they have in
   raising their children." So there you have it - it's taken ten years,
   but he's still perfecting his spin on the Murphy Brown story. Phew!
   Dan then went on to insist that, "I was right - it is spelled
   POTATOE." See you next week!


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