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   Democratic Underground

   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 82)
   September 2, 2002
   Stand By Your McVeigh Edition

   Ann Coulter crashes onto the list in the number one slot this week,
   beating out a host of worthy contenders. It was tough, But little
   Annie's comments on fellow right-wing nutcase Tim McVeigh gave her the
   boost she needed to fend off the challengers. Left gasping for breath
   in second place is Don Bates, whose political career has been rudely
   ended by Madam Palm and her five sisters. Jeb Bush can only manage a
   paltry third place this week for his defence of child-beating advocate
   Jerry Reiger; meanwhile, the tap continues to drip on Thomas White
   (4). And poor old George W. Bush can only manage a sad tenth place
   this week after practically owning the Top Ten for the last two
   months. 

   1 Ann Coulter just plain evil
   It's hardly news that Ann Coulter is a right-wing wacko. But did you
   know she is also a supporter of terrorism? In a recent interview for
   the New York Observer, Ms. Coulter - who thinks that liberals should
   be killed - announced her support for mass murderer Timothy McVeigh.
   "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh," she told interviewer George
   Gurley, "is he did not go to the New York Times Building." Got that?
   Her only regret. She doesn't mind that 168 people lost their lives -
   she just wishes that those 168 people had been (presumably) liberals,
   working for a news organization she disagrees with. And that, folks,
   perfectly sums up Ann Coulter's idea of quality political discourse in
   America. Incidentally, in the same interview Ms. Coulter expressed her
   desire for Dick Cheney, which pretty much proves that her brain has
   indeed gone soggy.

   2 Don Bates sex arrest
   The God Guys are coming - literally and figuratively! Don Bates,
   self-proclaimed "God Guy" in his campaign for local School Board in
   Florida, was recently forced to quit the race when the St. Petersburg
   Times discovered that back in 1994 he was arrested and charged for
   masturbating in public. Apparently he was caught bashing the bishop in
   his Nissan Maxima while parked at the local mall, which would explain
   the statement he made earlier that day when he said he was going to
   "go out and splurge on a new car." Wanking Don expressed his dismay at
   the breaking news, saying, "I'm sorry that this has to be printed."
   But he had a good explanation for his behavior - see, in 1994 he was
   abusing painkillers. So that should win back some points with the
   voters. Yes, it's all in a day's work for Master Don "Aptly Named"
   Bates. In fact you might say that this is a classic example of a
   candidate beating himself (boom tiss).

   3 Jeb Bush excessive spin excessive spin
   Jerry Reiger, the new head of Florida's Department of Children and
   Families, is a religious maniac who thinks that "biblical spanking
   [that leads to] temporary and superficial bruises or welts does not
   constitute child abuse," (see Idiots 81). And this news left Governor
   Jeb Bush concerned. Very concerned. But of course, this is top-ranked
   conservative idiot Jeb Bush we're talking about here, so don't get
   your hopes up. Bush announced last week that he was troubled by a
   "soft bigotry that is emerging against people of faith," and that, "it
   really doesn't matter if Jerry has a deep and unabiding faith and it
   certainly doesn't disqualify him for public service." Well, no - but
   it probably does matter that the person charged with looking after
   Florida's children and families believes that children should be
   subject to "manly" discipline, and that women should be kept indoors
   as "helpmates" to their husbands. Incidentally Reiger's wife is a
   full-time nurse, so he doesn't just hold social views in line with the
   Taliban - he's also a first-class hypocrite.

   4 Thomas White fiscal irresponsibility
   Enquiring minds want to know when Dubya is going to pull his finger
   out and give Thomas White the boot. Salon reported last week that
   three months before Tom White was nominated as Secretary of the Army,
   he was up to his neck in Enron's disgraceful downfall, using his
   executive positon to "hide the hundreds of millions of dollars in
   losses from Enron Energy Services, the retail division he had headed
   since 1998." Oh dear. But don't look for White to be "spending more
   time with his family" any time soon - we all know that this kind of
   behavior practically guarantees a high-ranking position in the Bush
   administration.

   5 The Family Policy Network religious nut unconstitutional
   This week's "Head In Sand" Award goes to the Family Policy Network,
   who recently attempted to get a court injuction preventing the
   University of North Carolina from discussing a book about the Qur'an.
   See, according to the Christian group, "the assignment should have
   been prohibited because it promoted Islam." Um, okay. Let's all just
   ignore the fact that millions of people follow this particular
   religion, shall we? After all, if we pretend that it doesn't exist
   then maybe those strange brown people will just go away. In fact, the
   less we know about Islam, the more confused and angry we can all be!
   And that's what Jesus would have wanted. Incidentally the court
   dismissed the case, presumably on the grounds that a bunch of
   xenophobic nuts shouldn't dictate what colleges should or shouldn't
   allow their students to discuss.

   6 Baylor University dumb
   Can you smell the right-wing indignation? A fraternity from Waco's
   Baylor University was suspended for one year last week after a picture
   of some members appeared in Playboy magazine. The fact that they were
   fully clothed and posing on a volleyball court for an article about
   the Big 12 Conference had no bearing on the University's decision.
   See, apparently Playboy is a "salacious publication" which "runs
   contrary to the school's ideals" - although to be honest we had no
   idea that volleyball was so offensive. It must be all that heaving and
   grunting. In a shocking admission, we hear that a spokesman for Baylor
   later told reporters that, "I myself have occasionally purchased
   Playboy, although I only beat off to the articles."

   7 The Department of Transportation excessive spin
   So apparently the Transportation Department's Air Marshal program is a
   huge success. If, of course, by "huge success" you actually mean
   "enormous failure." USA Today reported last week that over 250 air
   marshals have left the "top secret" program and officials are
   "struggling to handle what two managers call a flood of resignations."
   It could have something to do with the fact that some marshals have
   faced schedules that called for flights over ten consecutive days, and
   many have been forced to work 12 to 16 hour days. But according to the
   Department of Transportation, there's nothing to worry about - in
   fact, the outlook is positively rosy! Apparently the traveling public
   should "rest assured that the Federal Air Marshal Service is providing
   the largest, highest caliber, best trained and most professional
   protective force in American aviation history." Feeling safer now? Me
   neither.

   8 Ronnie Davis arrest
   Setting another great example for the party of responsibility, honor,
   and dignity, Tennessee State Rep. Ronnie Davis (R) was arrested last
   week on federal conspiracy charges. Ronnie was allegedly obtaining
   diplomatic passports "for people who did not qualify for them,"
   according to the Washington Post. Slapped with 15 counts including
   "conspiracy, money laundering and extortion," Ronnie now faces up to
   30 years in prison and a $1 million fine. Whoops. To his credit, Rep.
   Davis did try to follow his leader's example and told the Greeneville
   Sun, "I have no idea what's going on." Sorry Ronnie - nice try, but
   that excuse only works if your last name is Bush.

   9 The White House hypocrisy partisanship excessive spin
   Winning the political war on terra, but losing the political war on
   the economy, the White House revealed a cynical new measure last week
   designed to give Republican candidates a boost this November. They
   plan to push forward a package of tax cuts for investors knowing full
   well that a) they can't afford them, and b) Senate Democrats will have
   to kill the bill. The very idea of more tax cuts while the country
   faces severe deficits is ludicrous in the extreme, but the GOP isn't
   shy about explaining the purpose of the pretend bill. At a recent
   White House meeting with economists, Stephen Moore, president of the
   Club for Growth (a conservative political action committee) said,
   "Republicans need something to run on, and they need the president's
   leadership. This will be precisely for that purpose." Another
   participant said, "They know this thing can't be enacted into law;
   that's a given. But they do think they can ram it through the House,
   and leave it to Daschle to kill it." There's your compassionate
   conservatism folks - rather than actually helping investors, the White
   House just wants to pretend to help, and then throw blame at the
   Democrats. Nice to see that the era of partisanship is over in
   Washington.

   10 George W. Bush helping the terrorists hypocrisy greed
   And finally, what did George W. Bush do on his vacation? Well, he's
   been quite a busy little bee. For starters, Dubya was recently seen
   bowing and scraping to perhaps the biggest supporters of terrorism in
   the world, the Saudis - during an official visit by Crown Prince
   Abdullah last week, George insisted that the United States and Saudi
   Arabia had an "eternal friendship." Jesus George, are you drilling for
   oil up the Crown Prince's butt? Secondly, you will be proud to hear
   that our great leader has just completed his 50th presidential
   fundraising trip, which brings the grand total of cash raised for the
   GOP up to $105 million since his inauguration. Funny how the
   Republicans were constantly criticizing the last elected president for
   fundraising, and yet according to the Associated Press Bush is "far
   outpacing Bill Clinton during the same period in his presidency." Oh,
   we're shocked. See you next week!

   linked cites @  http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html
  

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