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Democratic Underground

   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 77)
   July 29, 2002
   Cheney's Thugs Edition

   This whole "corporate responsibility" thing is getting out of hand.
   This week, Dick Cheney (1) was served with court papers for his role
   in the Halliburton scandal, but cowardly Dick hid behind his security
   detail instead. GWB (2,5) shows up more than once on the list, which
   is becoming typical. John Ashcroft (3) is still trying to defend his
   TIPS program, while Harvey Pitt (4) is begging for a raise. Our old
   favorite Katherine Harris (8) is back. And a prison in Colorado (10)
   has come up with a creative new use for tainted meat. . .

   1 Dick Cheney unconstitutional covering your ass cowardice
   Things are getting ugly for Dick Cheney. How ugly? Try these on for
   size: an SEC investigation, a federal court summons, abuse of power,
   obstruction of justice. Last week when Judicial watch served court
   papers to Cheneys office, White House security thugs threatened to
   arrest the person serving the papers. Let me repeat that: White House
   security threatened to arrest a person serving court papers to Dick
   Cheney. Didnt hear about it in your local newspaper? Well, thats
   because the U.S. Constitution gives the president and vice president
   the right to break the law and obstruct justice when the country is in
   a state of war with brown people halfway around the globe. What, you
   dont remember that part of the Constitution? Clearly you hate America,
   and you probably hate the Pledge of Allegiance, too. Why dont you just
   burn a flag while youre at it, and leave our beloved vice president
   alone! You are helping the terrorists win!

   2 George W. Bush lazy lazy lazy
   Were still at war. We havent found Osama. The economy is a mess. CEOs
   fly their golden parachutes while regular folks get the shaft.
   Clearly, theres work to be done. But what does Dubya do? Hes going on
   vacation for a month. (Must be nice.) The rest of us suckers only get
   two weeks off per year. But this guy, who theoretically holds the most
   important job on the entire planet, is going to kick up his cowboy
   boots on his preppy golf-cart ranch in Crawford. Pathetic. Im guessing
   its only a matter of time before were subjected to the same lame
   publicity shots of George chopping wood for five minutes. See, hes not
   lazy; hes chopping wood. A hundred bucks says his down-home plaid
   wood-chopping shirt in the photo-op still has the creases in it
   because some White House lackey bought it at the K Street Brooks
   Brothers store that morning.

   3 John Ashcroft unconstitutional unconstitutional
   Clearly, the Attorney General just doesnt get the whole civil
   liberties thing. Testifying before Congress last week, Ashcroft
   defended the Administrations proposed TIPS program, a soviet-style
   citizen informant program, as non-threatening to civil rights. His
   reason: There wont be a computer database. Phew! Thats a relief! So
   Ive got the cable TV guy reporting to the feds that I watch too much
   PBS -- big deal! I sure am glad that theyre storing that info in a
   big-ass filing cabinet instead of a database. That makes the whole
   scheme much better, and not at all threatening! Thanks, John!

   4 Harvey Pitt massive ego massive ego massive ego greed
   Bad PR move #67: When everyone in Washington wants you to resign, dont
   ask for a raise, it makes you look stupid and out-of-touch. Last week
   Harvey Pitt, the incompetent chief of the Securities and Exchange
   Commission, decided that he deserved a raise and a promotion. Hey,
   great job on Enron and WorldCom, Harv! Those schmucks working there
   didnt really want their 401(k)s anyway. And the rest of us are just
   thrilled that our investments have lost a quarter of their value this
   year. Trillions of dollars, gone. Poof! Heres an extra $30K per year
   for you, Harv, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer! You earned it! *smooch*

   5 George W. Bush helping the terrorists screwing the poor
   Pop quiz. Whats more important: a) protecting America from terrorists,
   or b) union busting. If youre George W. Bush, the answer is b. Last
   week the White House threatened to veto the Senate Homeland Security
   bill because they say it doesnt provide Bush with enough personal
   flexibility. (When youve had as many benders as George has, personal
   flexibility is vitally important. Boom-tiss.) By personal flexibility
   George actually means the ability to treat employees like the serfs
   they are. You dont want any of that communistic collective bargaining
   stuff. If a federal worker wants to make more money, they should do it
   the old fashioned way - ask daddy for a couple mil. Either that, or
   insider trading. After all, Bush is a federal worker, and thats what
   he does when he needs a little walkin around money.

   6 Secret Service Bigot racism racism
   Last week, federal agents searched the home of an Arab-American man in
   Dearborn, Michigan, who was caught carrying $12 million in fake
   cashiers checks into the United States. But the otherwise upstanding
   group of federal agents included one stupid bigot from the Secret
   Service who decided it would be cool to deface a Muslim prayer
   calendar in the defendants home. The unidentified agent wrote Islam is
   Evil and Christ is King on the calendar, apparently thinking that this
   particular Muslim was ripe for conversion to Christianity using the
   patented insult their religion and deface their property conversion
   strategy.

   7 Peter Kirsanow unconstitutional unconstitutional racism
   As the Bush regime continues its attack on civil rights, it looks like
   weve got at least one fox guarding the henhouse. Last week Peter
   Kirsanow, a conservative Bush appointee to the U.S. Commission on
   Civil Rights, commented that if there is another terrorist attack in
   America, "not too many people will be crying in their beer if there
   are more detentions, more stops and more profiling." He went on to add
   that there will be a groundswell of public opinion to banish civil
   rights. So the best thing we can do to preserve them is by keeping the
   country safe." I think weve heard this one before. If we want to
   protect civil rights, weve got to be willing to sacrifice civil
   rights. We had to destroy the village in order to save it. Civil
   rights groups were outraged, and demanded the removal of Kirsanow.
   With the current Administration in power, our guess is that this guy
   isnt going to get removed. Hell probably get promoted to goddam
   chairman.

   8 Katherine Harris election stealing election stealing dumb
   Is Katherine Harris crooked or just plain dumb? You decide. Last
   Tuesday the Florida Department of Elections made a last-minute
   correction to campaign filing fees, which required legislative
   candidates to submit an additional $43.20 by Friday afternoon. A
   flurry of phone calls were made to candidates across the state, but at
   least one Democrat never got the news. (Were shocked.) No doubt the
   Department of Elections will be treating late-filers in the same way
   they treated late votes in 2000: If theyre Democrats, theyre screwed.
   But if theyre Republicans, no problem. On Tuesday, Harris was nowhere
   to be found. Presumably she was busy applying her daily coat of rouge
   with a trowel, or else she was off campaigning for the U.S. Congress.
   And who can blame her? Nobody takes elections seriously anymore.

   9 The Bush Administration just plain evil
   Is the Bush Administration soft on torture? Last week the UN held a
   vote on a protocol to provide strict monitoring of prisons and other
   facilities to verify that torture is not taking place. As democratic
   governments across Europe and Latin America lined up in support of the
   measure, the United States was opposed. The U.S. stance put us in the
   esteemed company of backward-ass human-rights basket cases like Iran,
   Nigeria, China, Cuba, Pakistan, and Egypt. A veritable human-rights
   honor roll, these countries. Its embarrassing. Do the schmucks in this
   Administration have any shame at all?

   10 Buena Vista Correctional Institution dumb
   And finally, this country is entirely too soft when it comes to our
   treatment of prisoners. Fortunately, some brave souls around the
   country have decided to stand up to creeping pantywaist liberalism in
   our penal system with all-American correctional reforms like
   overcrowding, chain gangs, rape, and delicious meals of tainted meat.
   The administrators of the Buena Vista Correctional Institution in
   Colorado served their inmates 2500 pounds of beef which they knew was
   tainted with the E. coli bacteria. The beef had been recalled by
   ConAgra, but instead of sending back so much quality protein, they
   chose to serve it to inmates as delicious meat loaf. None of the
   inmates got sick, since the meat loaf was cooked enough to kill the
   bacteria. Apparently there are a few liberal holdovers still cooking
   in the Buena Vista kitchen. See you next week!


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