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Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Top Ten Debate Moments
   (No. 173)

   October 4, 2004
   Top Ten Debate Moments Edition

        We have a huge list this week which focuses almost entirely
   on last week's presidential debate. While expectations were high for
   both candidates, nobody quite expected the exquisite thrashing John
   Kerry gave George W. Bush for ninety long minutes, and while
   post-debate spinners tried their hardest to put lipstick on Bush's pig
   of a performance it was quite clear who came out on top. Many of the
   links this week are audio clips, so turn your speakers on (or turn
   them down if you're at work!), sit back, and enjoy. If you want to
   test your system to make sure the audio is working, click this link
   first. Also, if you want to watch the debate video or read the
   transcript, you can find them both on the C-SPAN website. No key this
   week, just enjoy!

   1 President Kerry vs. Baby Bush
   The two candidates hadn't even gotten a word out before John Kerry
   stamped his mark of authority on the debate. After moderator Jim
   Lehrer's introduction, Bush bounded across the stage in an attempt to
   "win the stride" - that is, to get into his opponent's space and
   intimidate him, as Ronald Reagan did so effectively to Jimmy Carter in
   1980.

   Unfortunately it backfired when tiny Bush ran smack into man-mountain
   John Kerry, who pulled Bush in close to contrast the height difference
   between them. Kerry leaned down to whisper in Bush's ear, leading to
   the first great moment of the debate - Bush literally having to tear
   his hand out of Kerry's grip before retreating all the way back across
   the stage to his podium.

   Hilarity ensued as TV cameras put up a split-screen of the two
   candidates, artificially raising the height of Bush's podium so their
   heads were level. And while Kerry looked like he was standing behind a
   podium, Bush unfortunately looked like he was sitting in a highchair.


   2 Mexed Missages
   It honestly appeared that George W. Bush's only preparation for the
   debate was to repeat the phrase "mixed signals" and "mixed messages"
   over and over again in front of a mirror. Funny thing is, when it came
   to the crunch he even fucked that up, at one point accusing Kerry of
   sending "mexed missages."

   The purpose of all this, was, of course, to paint Kerry as indecisive.
   See, according to Bush, you can't be a strong leader if for one second
   you stop to consider your options. Staying the course is always
   preferable to discussing alternatives, even if that course is leading
   you towards the edge of a very tall cliff.

   In fact, it's absolutely preferable to drive off that cliff - as long
   as you're resolute and steadfast while you're doing it. Unfortunately
   this gambit failed dismally as Kerry came across far steadier and
   stronger during the debate than Bush, who looked wobbly, defensive,
   and weak. Oh well.

   3 Mexed Missages, Part Two
   But let nobody ever accuse Bush of being inflexible! See, while Kerry
   maintained strong and consistent positions throughout the debate, Bush
   appeared to be making up new policies as he went along.

   First, he took on Kerry's suggestion that it would probably help the
   United States if the rest of the world thought we were credible. While
   rambling on about the International Criminal Court - which he actually
   appeared to be quite frightened of - Bush said, "I just think trying
   to be popular, kind of, in the global sense, if it's not in our best
   interest makes no sense."

   This, of course, was after Bush had spent a good portion of time
   boasting about the "alliances" that he had put together with the
   United Kingdom, Australia, and, uh, that's it. Oh - Poland. I almost
   forgot about Poland. So which is it, Mr. President? Making sure we
   have strong alliances by ensuring that we remain credible in the eyes
   of the world? Or making sure we have strong alliances by not giving a
   damn about our credibility? Make your mind up.

   But that wasn't all - Bush also insisted that Iraqi president Ayad
   Allawi "doesn't want U.S. leadership ... to send mixed signals, to not
   stand with the Iraqi people." But then, after yet another verbal
   thrashing from Kerry about the perils of blind certainty, Bush changed
   his mind. In fact, you might say he... flip-flopped. "I fully agree
   that one should shift tactics, and we will, in Iraq." He said. Oh, we
   will? Gee, don't tell Ayad Allawi. He doesn't want U.S. Leadership to
   send mixed signals.

   4 Excuses, Excuses, Excuses
   The debate gave Bush a splendid opportunity to come up with yet
   another new excuse for why the war in Iraq is not exactly a success.
   And it's a good one! See, apparently we achieved victory too quickly.

   "Because we achieved such a rapid victory, more of the Saddam
   loyalists were around," said Our Great Leader. "In other words, we
   thought we'd whip more of them going in. But because Tommy Franks did
   such a great job in planning the operations, we moved rapidly. And a
   lot of the Ba'athists and Saddam loyalists laid down their arms and
   disappeared. I thought we would - they would stay and fight. But they
   didn't. And now we're fighting them now."

   Now we're fighting them now, indeed. Mind you, it's odd that Bush
   thought they would stay and fight, considering that just last week CNN
   reported that "Two classified reports prepared for President Bush two
   months before the Iraq invasion warned the war could prompt an
   insurgency in which rogue elements from Saddam Hussein's government
   would work with existing terrorist groups, sources said."

   Want more? "The January 2003 reports from the National Intelligence
   Council (NIC) said an invasion would increase support for hard-line
   politicized Islam and result in a divided Iraqi society prone to
   violent conflict, the sources said Tuesday."

   Don't blame Bush though. It's not his fault if he didn't read those
   reports.

   5 A New Leash on Life
   "I appreciate enormously the personal comments the president just
   made," said John Kerry after Bush grudgingly praised his character,

   "And I share them with him. I think only if you're doing this - and
   he's done it more than I have in terms of the presidency - can you
   begin to get a sense of what it means to your families. And it's
   tough. And so I acknowledge that his daughters - I've watched them.
   I've chuckled a few times at some of their comments. And..."

   Suddenly Bush interrupted, "I'm trying to put a leash on them."


   6 Crusaderiffic
   One of Bush's very last lines of the night was also one of his most
   interesting: "We've climbed the mighty mountain. I see the valley
   below, and it's a valley of peace." The simplest explanation for
   Bush's sudden eloquence can probably be boiled down to: "Hey world,
   you listening? We're up here, you're down there. Suck on it."

   But that doesn't sound quite right. A possible suggestion is that Bush
   was referring to Martin Luther King's "mountaintop" speech, where Dr.
   King said, "I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up
   to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised
   land." But let's face it, the chances of Bush deliberately
   paraphrasing the nation's greatest civil rights leader are slimmer
   than a supermodel on a hunger strike.

   No, the best guess may be that the mighty mountain Bush was talking
   about is the Biblical mountain God took Moses up, just before Moses
   picked Joshua to lead the Israelites into the promised land.
   Incidentally, Joshua was a military leader who kicked a whole lot of
   nonbeliever ass, and the book of Joshua is widely cited as a
   justification for the Crusades. Oh yes, you know the fundies liked
   that one!

   7 Bringing Them To Justice
   In his very first rebuttal, Bush bragged that "the A.Q Khan network
   has been brought to justice." For those of you not familiar with A.Q
   Khan, he's a Pakistani nuclear physicist who back in February of this
   year admitted to exporting nuclear secrets to Iran, North Korea, and
   Libya.

   Want to know how the Bush administration brought Khan to justice?
   Well, after owning up to his crimes, he was pardoned by President
   Musharraf. A month later, during a visit to Islamabad, Colin Powell
   designated Pakistan a major non-NATO ally - which allows them to
   purchase a wide array of U.S. weaponry - and refused to criticize
   Musharraf for letting Khan off the hook.

   Why? According to the New Republic (or see Idiots 163), because the
   Bush administration was at the time putting heavy pressure on Pakistan
   to capture or kill "High Value Targets" - Al Qaeda leaders - before
   the election. Specifically, "it would be best if the arrest or killing
   of [any] HVT were announced on twenty-six, twenty-seven, or
   twenty-eight July."

   Those dates, of course, happily coincided with the Democratic National
   Convention.

   So now you know how the Bush administration brought A.Q. Khan to
   justice - by letting him go free so that the Pakistani government
   would announce terrorist captures on dates which were politically
   convenient for George W. Bush.

   Fortunately, even the Bush administration couldn't be this brazen, and
   the plan never came to fruition. Well, unless you count Pakistan's
   subsequent capture of a top Al Qaeda terrorist, which just happened to
   be announced the day of John Kerry's acceptance speech at the
   Convention. But that was probably just a coincidence.

   8 The Seven Faces of Bush
   Those who watched Bush vs. Kerry on C-SPAN were able to enjoy non-stop
   split-screen action for the duration of the debate. This gave viewers
   an opportunity to concentrate on the body language of each candidate
   while the other was speaking.

   While most casual viewers thought that Bush appeared to go from
   annoyance to chagrin to peevishness and back to annoyance, experts
   have agreed that Bush's facial expressions actually passed through
   seven distinct, recognizable changes during the course of the debate.

   9 Not This Time, Bucko
   Of course, the biggest news of the night came when George W. Bush
   acknowledged that - hold on to your hats - he knows who attacked
   America on 9/11! Of course, he needed a bit of prompting from Senator
   Kerry, but there you go.

   Ever since 9/11 the Bush administration has done all it can to confuse
   the war on terror with the war in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden with
   Saddam Hussein. This might have worked on the lazy mainstream media,
   who happily drilled it into the minds of the American people for two
   years, but it wasn't going to work on John Kerry.

   When Jim Lehrer asked Bush about more preemptive military actions,
   Bush waffled about Iraq and then foolishly threw in his favorite piece
   of campaign spin: "I understand how hard it is to commit troops. Never
   wanted to commit troops. When I was running - when we had the debate
   in 2000, never dreamt I'd be doing that. But the enemy attacked us,
   Jim, and I have a solemn duty to protect the American people."

   Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

   "Jim, the president just said something extraordinarily revealing and
   frankly very important in this debate," responded Kerry. "In answer to
   your question about Iraq and sending people into Iraq, he just said,
   'The enemy attacked us.' Saddam Hussein didn't attack us. Osama bin
   Laden attacked us. Al Qaida attacked us. And when we had Osama bin
   Laden cornered in the mountains of Tora Bora, 1,000 of his cohorts
   with him in those mountains. With the American military forces nearby
   and in the field, we didn't use the best trained troops in the world
   to go kill the world's number one criminal and terrorist."

   Well, you could have used Bush to clandestinely open an envelope, he
   was steaming so much. And when Kerry was done, Bush barged in for a 30
   second rebuttal - his mouth running way, way ahead of his brain. "Of
   course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us," he fumed. Then, realizing
   how ridiculous he sounded, he trailed off with a lame, "I know that."

   I almost felt sorry for the poor guy. It can't be a nice feeling,
   having your ass handed to you in front of 60 million people.

   10 Work Hard With A Vengeance
   If there's one thing we found out last Thursday, it's that the
   presidency is hard work. So much hard work, in fact, that Bush used
   the phrase eleven times during the debate. I guess this must be why
   Bush spent 42% of his first eight months in office on vacation - I
   mean, he was even on vacation when he got that Presidential Daily
   Briefing entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in United States."
   But, you know, Dubya was clearing brush that day, and clearing brush
   is, well, hard work.

   It's odd, but from his statements during the debate it almost sounded
   like being president is simply too much of a pain in the ass for
   George W. Bush. Turning Iraq from a tyranny to a democracy is "hard
   work." Training Iraqi troops is "hard work." Having the FBI director
   come in his office and talk about security every morning is "hard
   work." Climbing the mighty mountain and seeing the valley below is
   "hard work." Trying to love Missy Johnson as best as he can is "hard
   work."

   We get it already! Being president is hard work! You don't have to
   keep whining on and on about it! It comes with the territory! Didn't
   you realize that it was going to be hard work before you applied for
   the job the first time? What, do you want us to feel sorry for you?
   Suck it up!

   The Best of the Rest
   George W. Bush obviously wasn't the only Conservative Idiot of the
   week. Colin Powell was sending mixed messages; Pennsylvania
   Republicans were lying their asses off; Team Bush has outsourced its
   voter file database; and Jerry Falwell says that evangelical
   Christians now control the Republican party. Hang on, that's not
   idiocy - he's right.

   Meanwhile, Ken Blackwell, Ohio's secretary of state, has been trying
   to suppress voter registration; Arnold Schwarzenegger (despite being a
   smoker himself) has banned smoking in California's prisons on health
   grounds (oh well, there's always heroin); Jim Bunning lied about his
   endorsements, and CNN and the Miami Herald allowed Republicans to pose
   as "undecided voters" during their post-debate coverage.

   Elsewhere, Fox News had to pull TWO stories from their website when
   they were discovered to be fake - one story was about a website called
   "Communists for Kerry" which is run by Republicans (Fox reported as if
   it were a real organization), and the other was a spoof article by
   Fox's own Carl Cameron, who simply invented a bunch of Kerry quotes.
   Not that anyone cares about holding Fox News accountable.

   While I'm on the subject, anyone in the media who called the debate a
   draw can kiss my ass - I mean, come on. These reports of a "draw" were
   frequently sitting right next to voter polls which favored Kerry
   80%-20% over Bush.

   And finally, (yes, finally!) let's end with some sex. Antonin Scalia
   announced last week that "sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and
   ought to be encouraged." So that's what he was doing in that duck
   blind with Dick Cheney! See you next week!


   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
        http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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   "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our
   number one priority and we will not rest until we find him."
                                         ~ George Bush Jr. 2001-09-13
   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -
  "I don't know where he (bin Laden) is. I have no idea and I really
   don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."
                                         ~ George Bush Jr. 2002-03-13
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