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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 153)
   April 26, 2004
   Lowest of the Low Edition

   It's official: These people have no shame. Even though their candidate
   dodged service in Vietnam, then went AWOL from the National Guard,
   these assholes actually have the gall to question the John Kerry's
   military service. If the Critics of John Kerry's War Record (1) really
   want to go there, I say bring it on. But they're not the only
   conservative idiots. Maytag Aircraft (2) has fired an employee for
   taking pictures of flag-draped coffins, George W. Bush (3) is engaged
   in a little illegal diversion of funds, and Donald Rumsfeld (4) is
   doing a little creative editing. After that, we've got six more
   idiots, and don't miss the special bonus section this week! 

   1 Critics of John Kerry's War Record hypocrisy hypocrisy hypocrisy
   hypocrisy
   How dare they? How dare the GOP criticize John Kerry's war record in
   Vietnam? From Ed Gillespie to Rep. Sam Johnson (R-TX), Republicans
   were flooding the airwaves last week with criticism of Kerry's
   military service. Why? Because, they say, there are questions about
   the seriousness of his injuries. Excuse me? Here we have a man who
   volunteered to command a swift boat on the Mekong Delta, who earned
   the Bronze Star for heroic achievement, the Silver Star for gallantry
   in action, and three purple hearts, and the Republicans are
   questioning the seriousness of his injuries? I guess they haven't
   noticed that, unlike their hero George W. Bush, John Kerry was
   actually in Vietnam. The closest Bush came to enemy fire was having
   his teeth examined in Alabama. To disparage a combat veteran's service
   because you don't think his injuries weren't serious enough has got to
   be the lowest of the low. What's the GOP going to tell kids who come
   back from Iraq with all their limbs intact? "Well, well, look who's
   back. I see you've still got your legs. Perhaps you weren't really
   trying out there." By the way, this recent furor was started by one
   John O'Neill, a so-called political independent who served in Vietnam
   with John Kerry and said he "couldn't tie the shoes of some of the
   people in Coastal Division 11." That is, John O'Neill didn't actually
   serve with Kerry - he showed up two months after Kerry had left
   Vietnam. Oh, and if you were wondering what kind of "political
   independent" John O'Neill is, he's the kind that gets invited to the
   White House by Nixon and Kissinger, worked for William Rehnquist, and
   promotes the website WinterSoldier.com which is run by the Free
   Republic Network. You know, one of those kinds of "independents."

   2 Maytag Aircraft covering your ass
   Newspapers finally published pictures of coffins coming back from Iraq
   last week, and the result was, well, chaos. The Seattle Times started
   the ball rolling, publishing a photograph taken in Kuwait by Tami
   Silicio, an employee of military contractor Maytag Aircraft. The media
   haven't been showing pictures like this until now because the Pentagon
   has a policy of banning the media from taking pictures of caskets
   being returned to the U.S., which they claim "defers to the
   sensitivities of bereaved families." That's complete crap, obviously -
   the policy is clearly intended to prevent the American public from
   seeing what really happens when you send the nation's children off to
   war. But in a shocking turn of events, Tami Silicio was subsequently
   fired by Maytag Aircraft, along with her husband. According to the
   Times, Silicio said "she hoped the publication of the photo would help
   families of fallen soldiers understand the care and devotion that
   civilians and military crews dedicate to the task of returning the
   soldiers home." And for that, she got shitcanned. In related news,
   nobody in the Bush administration has been fired yet for ignoring
   urgent warnings of a massive terrorist attack on U.S. soil, failing to
   catch Osama bin Laden, or lying about weapons of mass destruction in
   Iraq. Priorities, priorities.

   3 George W. Bush warmongering
   There were more bombshell revelations about George W. Bush's Rush To
   War(TM) last week, this time from journalist Bob Woodward whose new
   book Plan of Attack reveals that Bush diverted $700 million from funds
   approved for the war in Afghanistan to pay for the planning of his
   Iraq adventure. Oh, but whoops! Bush apparently forgot to mention this
   small appropriation to Congress, which is illegal. Funny really, you'd
   think that someone as dedicated to upholding the Constitution as
   George W. Bush wouldn't be going around stealing money out of the
   treasury from under the nose of Congress. But there you have it.
   Woodward also reveals that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld decided to
   tell Saudi Arabia's Prince Bandar about the decision to invade Iraq
   two days before they mentioned it to Secretary of State Colin Powell.
   And when I say tell him about it, I mean describe it in detail,
   including showing him all the top secret war plans. And in what can
   only be described as a bizarre coincidence, Woodward told 60 Minutes
   last week that Bandar had assured Bush that Saudi Arabia would lower
   oil prices later this year "to ensure the U.S. economy is strong on
   election day," according to CBS News. That's really very nice of
   Prince Bandar you know. I mean Bush doesn't bother his country after
   15 of his fellow Saudis commit the September 11 attacks, and let's him
   see the Iraq war plans before the U.S. Secretary of State gets to see
   them, and all Bush gets in return is artificially low oil prices in
   the run-up to the election. Fabulous.

   4 The Pentagon and Donald Rumsfeld covering your ass covering your ass
   lying
   But there's more - according to the Washington Post, "The Pentagon
   deleted from a public transcript a statement Defense Secretary Donald
   H. Rumsfeld made to author Bob Woodward suggesting that the
   administration gave Saudi Arabia a two-month heads-up that President
   Bush had decided to invade Iraq." That's right, Donny-Boy was giving
   Prince Bandar the scoop on the invasion of Iraq, and surprise,
   surprise - the Pentagon didn't want you to know about it. Rumsfeld, of
   course, doesn't recall exactly what he said. I mean, seriously, for
   the guy in charge of the nation's defense, the dude has a terrible
   memory. The deleted comments center around Rumsfeld telling Bandar
   that he could "take that to the bank" that Iraq would be invaded. But
   according to the Post, "Rumsfeld told reporters at a briefing
   yesterday that he may have used the phrase 'take that to the bank' but
   that no final decision had been made to go to war." Uh, so what was he
   telling Bandar to take to the bank exactly? Some rolls of quarters?
   The rebate check that just came in from those blank CD-Rs he bought
   three months ago? Apparently the Pentagon deleted eight questions and
   answers from the public transcript - according to Woodward, "I was
   surprised that it was deleted because it obviously dealt with a
   critical issue." Rumsfeld's response? Well, last week he described the
   deleted portions of the transcript as "some banter." Ri-i-ight. Some
   banter. Uh-huh.

   5 Diebold election stealing
   There was big news for e-voting critics last week when Diebold
   acknowledged that their voting machines have "significant security
   flaws," according to the Tri-Valley Herald. Said Diebold Election
   Services Inc. president Bob Urosevich, "We were caught. We apologize
   for that." Wait a second - you were caught? Hmm... interesting.
   Apparently Diebold "supplied hundreds of poorly designed
   electronic-voting devices that disenfranchised voters in the March
   presidential primary," and, "Unknown thousands of voters were turned
   away at the polls." Great job, Diebold. I mean, you've only been going
   on about how frickin' awesome your machines are for the last
   god-knows-how-long. But the good news is that a California voting
   systems panel voted unanimously last week to recommend decertifying
   the Diebold machines, and the state attorney general may now file
   criminal and civil charges against the company for violating
   California's election laws. So it looks like poor old Wally O'Dell,
   the CEO of Diebold who said last August that he was "committed to
   helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President next year"
   (see Idiots 124), will have to cross California off the list of other
   states in which he planned to "help" Dubya.

   6 The Journal-Advocate dumb dumb
   It seems a few newspapers are following the Pentagon's orders and
   making sure the American people don't see anything unpleasant coming
   out of Iraq. In the case of the Journal-Advocate of Colorado, that
   even extends to violence against cartoon characters. The
   Journal-Advocate decided not to run the Doonesbury comic strip last
   week because, in their words, "of the graphic, violent battlefield
   depictions of Iraq in this week's installment." In the strip, the
   character "B.D." is injured in combat and loses a leg. Not that this
   is happening to real soldiers in Iraq, you understand - in real life,
   when soldiers die they're just vaporized painlessly into nothingness,
   just like in a video game. And then their clothes are placed into a
   casket which is wrapped in the flag. Which, of course, you're not
   allowed to see either. I mean, we don't want anyone getting all
   squeamish and thinking that perhaps war isn't just a big game after
   all, do we?

   7 Jennifer Carroll Clinton hating
   Surely there's nothing funnier to Republicans than a joke about
   assassinating Hillary Clinton. Here's what State Rep. Jennifer Carroll
   (R-Naturally) had to say at the Southern Republican Leadership
   Conference in Miami Beach last week, according to the Jacksonville
   Times-Union: "Carroll said Clinton was visited by the ghosts of
   Presidents Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln. According to The
   Associated Press, the joke had Clinton asking each president what she
   could do to help the country, and Lincoln told Clinton to go to a
   theater. Lincoln was assassinated in Ford's Theater in Washington."
   Har-de-har. Apparently Carroll later told the Associated Press, "You
   infer what you want to infer, but I never said assassinate, or kill or
   maim." Uh, okay then, let's see. Then what are we to infer? So, Abe
   Lincoln, who was assassinated in a theater, told Hillary Clinton that
   to help the country she should go to a theater. Hmm. And according to
   Carroll, this has got nothing to do with assassination. So... hmm.
   Sorry, I don't get it then.

   8 Paul Bremer dumb
   After closing down al Sadr's newspaper, sparking the recent violence
   which has led to the deaths of more than one hundred US soldiers and
   hundreds of Iraqi civilians in the past month, Paul Bremer has been
   struggling to come up with another way to win the hearts and minds of
   the Iraqi people - and it looks like he might have done it. Last week,
   Bremer announced that former members of Saddam Hussein's Baath party
   may be able to return to their old jobs. Oh happy day! Well, that
   pretty much knocks the wind out of the sails of those who think that
   we're not doing a good job liberating Iraq. I mean, what could be
   better than returning to power the very people who we were fighting to
   free the Iraqi people from in the first place? Hey, wait a second...

   9 The Treasury Department partisanship partisanship
   George W. Bush has done a pretty great job of spending public money on
   his election campaign this year. First there were the
   taxpayer-subsidized jaunts to events like the Daytona 500 (see Idiots
   143, 144), which, of course, were absolutely not campaign appearances,
   no sir - and now he's got the Treasury Department doing his dirty work
   for him. It was revealed last week that the IRS placed a sentence in
   four April 9 news releases which read, "America has a choice: It can
   continue to grow the economy and create new jobs as the president's
   policies are doing, or it can raise taxes on American families and
   small businesses, hurting economic recovery and future job creation."
   Gee, shouldn't they at least included the line "I'm George W. Bush and
   I approved this message?"

   10 Condoleezza Rice dumb
   And finally, the Freudian Slip Of The Decade award goes to... National
   Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. According to NewYorkMetro.com, Rice
   was recently overheard at a recent dinner party saying, "As I was
   telling my husb-" before stopping herself abruptly, and saying, "As I
   was telling President Bush." Uh-oh, I hope Pickles doesn't find out
   about this! Looks like someone might have designs on her man! See you
   next week...

   Bonus Idiots
   In other news ... Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't retrofitted his Hummer
   yet ... Ex-police commissioner Bernard Kerik says "another 9/11" is
   more likely if Kerry becomes president (odd, there's only been one
   9/11 so far, and that happened when Bush was president) ... Rep. John
   Hostettler got caught with a loaded 9mm handgun at a Kentucky airport
   ... Christian faith-based teen-rehab program Teen Reach was shut down
   after a long history of child abuse ... Missouri State House
   Republicans voted to eliminate a sales tax exemption for the St. Louis
   Post-Dispatch and the Kansas City Star because the newspapers
   criticized them ... and George W. Bush said the world owes Ariel
   Sharon a "thank you," Sharon took that to mean, "feel free to off
   Yasser Arafat," and Russia said, "oh no you don't." Armageddon outta
   here...

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
          http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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              Liberal = Jesus   ...  Conservative = Mussolini
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