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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 152)
   April 19, 2004
   Turkey and Mustard Edition

   So, did you see Bush on tee-vee last Tuesday? Four words: Worst. Press
   Conference. Ever. His ridiculous performance earned him the top three
   spots on this week's list. But that's not all. He and Cheney
   collectively earned the number four slot for their massive tax
   windfall they both received this year from the Tax Cut. (Must be nice
   to have the power to stuff fat cash into your own pocket like that.)
   Rounding out the list, we've got some familiar faces: John Ashcroft
   (5) is blaming Bill Clinton for 9/11. Randall Terry (7) of Operation
   Rescue has a gay kid. (Oh, the horror!) And Antonin Scalia (9) has
   learned an important lesson. Enjoy...


   1 George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
   Millions of viewers tuned in to George W. Bush's primetime press
   conference last Tuesday, and immediately tuned out again when they
   realized that American Idol had been pre-empted. But those viewers
   really should have "stayed the course," because they missed out on a
   performance just as half-baked and devoid of talent, as hilarious and
   yet downright sad, as any of American Idol's worst auditions. Think
   William Hung in a suit - just as Hung has made a career out of
   repeating "she bangs" over and over again until it ceases to be funny
   and merely annoys the piss out of you, so George W. Bush continued to
   drag out the same tired old platitudes last Tuesday night. Regardless
   of the question being asked, Bush returned again and again to the safe
   havens of "freedom," "terra," "war on terra," and even that old
   stand-by, "weapons of mass destruction." What's your best prediction
   on how long U.S. troops will have to be in Iraq? The Iraqis want
   freedom. You said that the Iraqis would welcome us with sweets and
   flowers - how do you explain to Americans how you got that so wrong?
   Saddam Hussein used weapons of mass destruction against his own
   people. Why are you and the vice president insisting on appearing
   together before the 9-11 commission? I look forward to answering their
   questions. Sorry George. America may not have voted yet, but you're in
   the bottom three tonight.

   2 George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
   While George formed a lot of substanceless sentences from a lot of
   substanceless words last Tuesday, it was what he didn't say that
   proved to be quite telling. When asked the question, "You've looked
   back before 9-11 for what mistakes might have been made. After 9-11,
   what would your biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons
   have you learned from it?" Bush clung to the podium, cast his eyes to
   the heavens as if looking for divine inspiration, looked at his feet
   for a while and shook his head, before finally blurting out, "You
   know, I just - I'm sure something will pop into my head here" (for
   video, visit this link, open it up in RealPlayer, and skip ahead to
   50:58). The Worst President Ever then went on to explain that he was
   having trouble "in the midst of this press conference, with all the
   pressure of trying to come up with answer." Um, I hate to break it to
   you, numbnuts, but you're the Commander-in-Chief of the United States
   of America. And you can't even handle the pressure of a press
   conference? I'm going to start calling you Jello W. Bush from now on.

   3 Jello W. Bush dumb dumb dumb dumb lying
   To be fair, there was one line that stuck out during Dubya's
   incoherent blatherings at the press conference. Yes, he was talking
   about weapons of mass destruction - again - but we can apparently now
   add 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm to all the VX, anthrax,
   yellowcake and aluminum tubes. That's right - it wouldn't be a press
   conference without Our Great Leader telling fibs about stockpiles of
   WMDs. During his non-answer to the question "what's your biggest
   mistake?" Bush started going on about how he still thinks that WMDs
   will be found: "See, I'm of the belief that we'll find out the truth
   on the weapons. That's why we sent up the independent commission. I
   look forward to hearing the truth as to exactly where they are. They
   could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of
   mustard gas in a turkey farm." Now, for those of you unfamiliar with
   the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm story, here's the deal.
   Bush was talking about Libya's voluntary disclosure of weapons earlier
   this year, during which inspectors discovered - you guessed it - 50
   tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm. Except... the day after the
   press conference Scott McClellan had to clarify Bush's statement,
   because apparently only 23.6 tons of mustard gas were found. Oh, and
   the substance was actually found scattered across Libya, not at the
   turkey farm. Um, in fact, there wasn't any mustard gas at the turkey
   farm at all, just unfilled munitions. So technically Bush's statement
   was correct, apart from the bit about "50 tons of mustard gas in a
   turkey farm." You know, it's not surprising that Bush can't think of
   any mistakes he's made since 9/11, considering that he DOESN'T HAVE A
   BRAIN. 

   4 Jello W. Bush and Dick Cheney greed
   But that's enough about Bush's piss-poor press conference. Let's turn
   our attention instead to tax cuts for the rich. It was revealed last
   week that "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney reaped tax
   benefits last year from the cuts that they pushed through Congress,"
   according to the Associated Press. Jello and Pickles paid a mere 28
   percent of their adjusted gross income for 2003 compared to 31 percent
   in 2002, while Crashcart and, uh, Lynne, paid a piddling 20 percent of
   their $1.3 million income compared to 29 percent in 2002. So it's good
   to know that Bush's tax cuts are going to help those who really need
   it. A White House spokesperson said that the tax cuts have "had the
   effect of spurring economic growth and creating jobs." Yeah, right.
   With a bit of luck, Bush's elitist tax reform will have the same
   effect on his job this year as it's had on the jobs of three million
   of his fellow Americans since he came into office.

   5 John Ashcroft covering your ass Clinton hating excessive spin
   The Crisco Kid himself appeared before the 9/11 Commission last week
   to explain why everything that the Bush administration did leading up
   to September 11 was in fact the fault of the Clinton administration.
   According to Ashcroft's version of the story, he "moved quickly" to
   focus the nation on fighting terrorism as soon as he got into office,
   which I guess would explain why former interim FBI director Thomas J.
   Pickard testified before the Commission that Ashcroft specifically
   asked not to be briefed about terrorism. I guess it would also explain
   why Ashcroft testified that "We did not know an attack was coming,
   because for nearly a decade our government had blinded itself to its
   enemies," despite the fact that Condoleezza Rice already testified
   that the Clinton plan was a good one, which is why she chose to keep
   it in place and retain Richard Clarke. And I guess that it would also
   explain why, according to the UK Guardian, on September 10, 2001
   Ashcroft "sent a request for budget increases to the White House. It
   covered 68 programs, none of them related to counter-terrorism." Oh,
   and he "also sent a memorandum to his heads of departments, stating
   his seven priorities. Counter-terrorism was not on the list." Oh yeah,
   and let's not forget that he "turned down an FBI request for hundreds
   more agents to be assigned to tracking terrorist threats." Damn you,
   Bill Clinton and your terrorist-loving penis! Look what you made John
   Ashcroft do!

   6 Robert Owsiany just plain evil
   Speaking of attorneys general, meet Robert Owsiany, former deputy
   state attorney general from Pittsburgh. Owsiany - a Republican Party
   activist - is somewhat infamous in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania,
   where he served as the local GOP solicitor, because according to the
   Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, "The GOP-dominated county Board of
   Elections hired Owsiany to investigate allegations of absentee ballot
   fraud in Kennedy between 1997 and 2002. His report alleged township
   Democrats were involved in an organized effort to forge absentee
   ballots in municipal primaries and elections...A federal probe was
   initiated, but criminal charges have not been filed in the case.
   County Treasurer John Weinstein and his father, Kennedy Treasurer
   Melvin Weinstein, longtime Democratic Party power players, disputed
   any wrongdoing and argued Owsiany's report was tainted. They contended
   Owsiany was a 'hired gun for the Republican Party.'" But anyway,
   that's all water under the bridge. Owsiany's got other things on his
   plate at the moment, not least of which is the fact that he apparently
   had to step down from his position last month "after the FBI seized
   the hard drive of his office computer in a child pornography
   investigation." Tsk, tsk.

   7 Randall Terry homophobia homophobia
   Is there anything more embarrassing for a militant
   anti-abortion/anti-same-sex marriage activist and all round right-wing
   nutcase than your son revealing that he is gay? That's what just
   happened to Randall Terry, the former head of Operation Rescue. See,
   Terry's son Jamiel wrote a recent article for Out magazine, and now
   Terry is pissed. Apparently Jamiel, who Terry adopted when he was
   eight years old, came out to his father two years ago, but making it
   public has driven Terry bonkers. In a recent essay on right-wing
   turd-outlet WorldNetDaily.com, he says that "Jamiel is incredibly
   gifted. He is articulate and handsome. He sings like an angel, he
   plays the piano, he's a great cook, and he's a great debater. He would
   make a powerful lawyer and a formidable politician." Now, I have no
   doubt that Jamiel is all those things and more, which is why it's
   kinda confusing when Terry goes on to say, "My son is a young man in
   crisis who needs intervention and therapy, not heady interviews with
   CNN.... And Out magazine is despicable for their participation in a
   sham and exploiting my son for their own political agenda." Uh, so
   your 24-year-old son would make a great lawyer or politician, but he
   also needs intervention and therapy and Out magazine is exploiting
   him? What a load of crap. Three big cheers for Terry the Younger,
   several hundred large boos for Terry the Elder.

   8 Ben Nighthorse-Campbell dumb lying
   Former Democrat-turned-traitor Sen. Ben Nighthorse-Campbell of
   Colorado got into a spot of hot water last week when he made a crass
   joke about the Coors Light twins. Campbell is retiring this year, and
   beer magnate Pete Coors has indicated that he will run on the
   Republican ticket to replace him. So Rocky Mountain News columnist
   Mike Littwin decided to ask Campbell about one of the most important
   issues of the upcoming campaign - what he thought of the Coors Light
   twins. Littwin showed the Senator a picture of the twins and asked him
   if he saw a problem with it. "Whoa, what the hell's the matter with
   that?" Campbell replied. "Hey, what have you got in your pants?" Oh
   my, what... gravitas. So Littwin dutifully reported the Senator's
   comments in his column last week. But here's the funny thing: the day
   after the column was published, Campbell claimed that he'd been set
   up. "I didn't even say it. I had two of my staff right with me, and I
   didn't even say it," he blustered. "But, it miraculously showed up in
   print." Miraculously indeed. Good job Littwin had a tape of the
   incident which the Rocky Mountain News decided to publish on their
   website, along with a convenient transcript. Enjoy the show.

   9 Antonin Scalia unconstitutional
   And now, a follow-up on last week's story about Antonin Scalia having
   one of his goons erase the tapes of two reporters who were recording a
   recent speech he was giving at a Mississippi high school. Scalia wrote
   an apology to both reporters, saying, "As I understand it from press
   reports, a United States Marshal erased, or caused you to erase, the
   tape recorder that you were using for the purpose of assuring the
   accuracy of your press report. I imagine that is an upsetting and
   indeed enraging experience..." According to the Associated Press,
   "vowed he would make it clear in the future that recording his remarks
   for the use of the print media would not be a problem." Said he, "I
   have learned my lesson." Uh, hang on a second - isn't it a bit late
   for a Supreme Court Justice to be learning lessons about the First
   Amendment?

   10 The U.S. Forest Service anti-environment anti-environment
   anti-environment dumb
   And finally, the U.S. Forest Service recently put out a brochure which
   insists that more logging is imperative to prevent wildfires in the
   Sierra Nevada. Want proof? The brochure contains six photos which
   demonstrate how the "forests of the past" were in fact much sparser
   than the forests of today. The photos - taken in 1909, 1948, 1958,
   1968, 1979 and 1989 - show an open area of forest which, in each
   picture, becomes filled with more and more trees and underbrush. The
   pamphlet says, "Today's forests, dense with green, may seem beautiful,
   but in fact are deadly... Our old-growth forests are choking with
   brush, tinder-dry debris and dead trees which make the risk of
   catastrophic fire high." There's just one tiny problem - it was
   recently revealed that the 1909 photo used in the brochure was taken
   after the area had been logged, so that would explain the large, open
   area with hardly any trees or underbrush. Oh yes, and there's one
   other minor detail they left out of the brochure - the 1909 photo was
   taken in Montana, which is nowhere near the Sierra Nevada. In fact,
   the photo originally appeared in a 1983 Forest Service research report
   and was captioned "cleanup operations on the Lick Creek timber sale."
   A Forest Service spokesperson said "Our goal here was to... increase
   the clarity and understandability of our message. We needed to be
   accurate but not necessarily precise to the 99th degree." Well all I
   can say is thank goodness the Bush administration has made blatant
   manipulation and outright distortion acceptable in today's society, or
   someone would probably get into trouble for this. See you next week!

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
         http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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   This is Bush's 33rd visit to his ranch since becoming president. He has
   spent all or part of 233 days on his Texas ranch since taking office,
   according to a tally by CBS News. Adding his 78 visits to Camp David
   and his five visits to Kennebunkport, Maine, Bush has spent all or part  
   of 500 days in office at one of his three retreats, or more than 40  
   percent of his presidency...
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