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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 137)
   December 8, 2003
   Fake Turkey Edition

   If you like holiday turkeys, we've got ten of them right here. The
   Turkey in Chief, George W. Bush (1), flew all the way to Iraq for
   perhaps the most expensive photo op in history. Meanwhile, Rush
   Limbaugh's (2) legal woes only seem to be growing, Diebold (3)
   suddenly learns the meaning of the First Amendment, and The White
   House (4) spins a colorful tale about a phantom airplane. We've also
   got a homophobic elementary school (5), a tongue-tied Defense
   Secretary (7), and a presidential brother (10) with an improbable sex
   story. Enjoy...

   1 George W. Bush   Photo-opping Photo-opping
   Massive props to George W. Bush this week for visiting Iraq on
   Thanksgiving. This exquisitely-planned publicity stunt photo-op was
   meticulously carried out, from skipping out on dinner at the pig farm
   under the noses of reporters, to George's keen interest in staying out
   of harm's way ("I was fully prepared to turn this baby around, come
   home"), to prancing around with an inedible turkey in front of the
   cameras for two and a half hours before, uh, flying home again.
   Through an amazing coincidence, Bush also managed to upstage Senator
   Hillary Clinton's official trip through Afghanistan and Iraq, where,
   unlike Our Great Leader, she didn't hide in a bubble, spent
   considerably more than two and a half hours on the ground, and met
   with soldiers, civilians, and members of Iraq's Governing Council.
   Come to think of it, Bush's "visit" was actually pretty lame. Not to
   mention the fact that if everything's going so great in Iraq, why did
   he have to make the trip in complete secrecy? Hmmm. It's okay though
   because despite the quagmire in Iraq and the huge deficit caused by
   the billions of dollars of taxpayer money we're currently throwing
   directly into the pockets of his campaign contributors, Our Great
   Leader has come up with an exciting new plan to brighten the nation's
   mood - by returning man to the moon. We're not entirely sure why he
   wants to do this - does he think Saddam's weapons of mass destruction
   are up there or something? Gonna find bin Laden holed up in a crater
   eating moon cheese? Tell you what though, to show his support for this
   massive endeavor perhaps George could volunteer to be an experimental
   chimp during the testing phase. That would be cool.

   2 Rush Limbaugh    Drugs excessive spin
   Things just keep getting worse and worse for the King of the
   Dittomonkeys. Last week prosecutors obtained search warrants which
   enabled them to seize Limbaugh's medical records because they believe
   that he has been "doctor shopping." According to ABC News, "Doctor
   shopping refers to looking for a doctor willing to prescribe drugs
   illegally, or getting prescriptions for a single drug from more than
   one doctor at the same time." Reading from a statement by his attorney
   on his show last week, Rush defended himself saying, "What these
   records show is that Mr. Limbaugh suffered extreme pain and had
   legitimate reasons for taking pain medication." Okay, let's talk for a
   moment about Rush Limbaugh and his back problem shall we? I've brought
   this up before but I think it needs to be reiterated: if Rush Limbaugh
   suffers "extreme pain" brought on by this back condition, what the
   hell is he doing playing in pro-celebrity golf tournaments like the
   American Century Championship? In an interview conducted during the
   tournament, Rush reveals how he can drive the ball 240 yards, and that
   he's played in many other pro-celebrity tournaments, including three
   appearances at the Bob Hope Classic (here's a picture of Rush in
   extreme pain - he's on the left) and one at the AT&T Pro-Am event. But
   apparently his "back problem" isn't Rush's only excuse - heck no.
   Believe it or not, Mr. Personal Responsibility is trying to place the
   blame squarely at the feet of - you guessed it - liberals. From his
   statement: "Unfortunately, because of Mr. Limbaugh's prominence and
   well-known political opinions, he is being subjected to an invasion of
   privacy no citizen of this republic should endure." Waaaaaah. Look
   Rush, we'll always forgive you for having an addiction - that's a
   tough road to walk. But you really need to start cutting down on the
   lies and hypocrisy or even your fans might figure out that you're full
   of shit. (Incidentally, Rush sent his minions over to DU again last
   week. The last time he mentioned us on his radio show, the influx of
   dittoheads almost shut down the web server. This time they hardly
   registered a blip. He must be losing his touch.)

   3 Diebold     Election Stealing Unconstitutional
   So the company that is in control of so many of our votes - the
   company whose CEO is "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral
   votes to the President next year" (see Idiots 124) - has finally caved
   in its attempt to squash the First Amendment rights of freedom-loving
   Americans. After the Electronic Frontier Foundation threatened to sue,
   Diebold retracted the threats it had made towards websites (including
   Democratic Underground) and ISPs who were hosting, or even merely
   linking to, the company's leaked memos. (The memos are quite
   something, and detail a staggering degree of incompetence at the
   company. You can read them here.) In a letter to the people it had
   threatened to sue, Diebold's president announced that they were
   backing off and then went on to make some pretty lame excuses for
   their behavior: "No company - whether an ISP, a software developer, or
   any type of company - wants its internal conversations openly
   broadcast, and I am sure your internal business correspondence
   includes information involving the unique capabilities and insights
   that you feel are important to the successful operation of your
   company. The correspondence between individuals within our company
   often contains information concerning unique software, features and
   capabilities that provide Diebold with a potential advantage in a
   competitive marketplace." A potential advantage in a competitive
   marketplace? Excuse me, these are our frickin' votes you're talking
   about here. Damn straight we're interested in what goes on behind the
   scenes at Diebold - and if you won't allow that, you have no business
   determining the outcome of public elections. In a related story, it
   was reported last week that Diebold's memos reveal that they would
   charge the state of Maryland "up the yin-yang" if Maryland wanted
   their voting machines to have the ability to keep a voter-verified
   paper trail - thus making it prohibitively expensive for the state to
   be able to double-check what Diebold are up to. Gee, I feel so safe
   knowing that our democracy rests in the hands of these scumbags.

   4 The White House   Excessive Spin excessive spin
   It seems that a favorite hobby of this White House is making things
   up, and Bush's 150-minute tiptoe through Baghdad International Airport
   gave them the opportunity to do just that. According to the Washington
   Post, communications director Dan Bartlett described the intense
   secrecy surrounding the flight thusly: "Air Force One had come within
   sight of a British Airways flight over water. The British Airways
   pilot, Bartlett said, radioed to ask, 'Did I just see Air Force One?,'
   and, after a pause, the Air Force One pilot radioed back, 'Gulfstream
   5.' After a long silence, Bartlett said, the British Airways pilot
   seemed to realize he was in on a secret and said, 'Oh.'" Isn't that an
   exciting story? Well it would be - if it had actually happened. The
   next day British Airways reported to Reuters that none of their
   aircraft had contacted Air Force One during its flight. So the White
   House had to change its story: apparently the British Airways aircraft
   didn't contact Air Force One, it contacted air traffic control in
   London. Case closed. Except... that didn't actually happen either -
   British Airways and Britain's National Air Traffic Services both
   denied this second version of events. So the White House revised its
   story again, this time claiming that "the aircraft inquiring about Air
   Force One was, in fact, 'a non-UK operator,'" and that "The
   presidential pilots thought the query 'was coming from a pilot with a
   British accent, and so that's why they had concluded that it was a
   British Airways plane.'" Okay. And why is this such a big deal? Well,
   during a recent White House press briefing, Scott McLellan was quick
   to explain: "what we always try to do for you all in the press corps
   is to provide you a little color of important events, because we
   believe that's helpful to you for your stories, and to do your
   reporting to the American people." So there you have it, folks -
   finally, official proof that they just make stuff up and try to pass
   it off as fact.

   5 Ernest Gallet Elementary School   Homophobia homophobia
   Hey kids, remember - it's good to tell lies. At least, that seems to
   be the conservative moral of Marcus McLaurin's story. Marcus - who is
   seven years old - got into trouble at school when another child asked
   him about his mother and father. Marcus explained that his mother is
   gay, and that gay means "when a girl likes a girl." Marcus wasn't
   lying - his mother is gay, she's divorced from Marcus's father and
   they live with her partner. But for telling the truth, he was scolded
   in front of his class, sent to the Principal's office, barred from
   recess, and ordered to attend "behavior clinic" where he was forced to
   write repeatedly, "I will never use the word 'gay' in school again."
   Congratulations, homophobic conservative wackos - you've outdone
   yourselves this time. But it gets even crazier - an assistant
   principal called Marcus's mother to explain that he was in trouble,
   and told her that Marcus had used "foul words" and that he "didn't
   feel comfortable" using them over the phone. I mean, for crying out
   loud, what's wrong with these people?!? I guess the new method of
   preaching family values to seven year olds is to ridicule them in
   front of the class, tell them that their parents are evil, and make
   them write a pledge to never, ever discuss their family in school.
   Compassionate conservatism strikes again.

   6 Congressional Republicans   Dumb
   Fresh from their victory over CBS in the battle to canonize St. Ronnie
   of Reagan, Republicans are at it again. This time the plan is to put
   The Gipper on the humble dime - replacing Franklin Roosevelt. Around
   80 Republicans lawmakers have apparently signed on to this plan -
   a.k.a. "the dumbest and most pointless plan since invading Iraq" -
   although they do have a really great reason. Want to hear it?
   According to Rep. Mark Souder, "It is particularly fitting to honor
   the Freedom President on this particular piece of coinage because, as
   has been pointed out, President Reagan was wounded under the left arm
   by a bullet that had ricocheted and flattened to the size of a dime."
   Well holy crap, it's a miracle! Gee whiz, if it had flattened to the
   size of a nickel, I guess we'd have to put Reagan's head on the nickel
   instead. I mean, what the hell? Tell you what, why don't we all just
   tattoo Reagan's image on our foreheads, and then we'll never be able
   to look at another person without being reminded of all the great
   things he did. You know, like covertly selling arms to Iran in order
   to illegally fund the Contras, or training Osama bin Laden to fight
   insurgent warfare, or cheerfully turning a blind eye to Saddam
   Hussein's accumulation of WMD ingredients... that sort of thing.

   7 Donald Rumsfeld   Dumb
   Exciting news - Donald Rumsfeld has won a prestigious award! Yes, our
   Don is the proud recipient of the "Foot in Mouth" award, given
   annually by Britain's Plain English Campaign. The Rumster had to beat
   our some serious competition, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and his
   infamous "gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
   woman" comment. But the Secretary of Defense came out on top with the
   year's most incomprehensible statement. Here it is in all its glory:
   "We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there
   are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -
   the ones we don't know we don't know." Brilliant!

   8 House Republicans    Dumb partisanship
   There's a new kind of game in Washington, and unfortunately it's one
   that the Republicans have been playing behind our backs for the last
   several years. Gone are the days of compromise and reasonable
   bipartisanship - as soon as George W. Bush walked through the door of
   the White House claiming that he would be a "uniter, not a divider"
   and that he would "change the tone" in Washington, Congressional
   Republicans have done whatever it takes to shaft the Democrats at
   every turn. And when I say whatever it takes, I mean whatever it
   takes. Take the recent vote on the Medicare Bill, for example, which
   eventually passed 220-215. I say "eventually" because after the
   regulation 15 minutes, House Speaker Dennis Hastert kept the vote open
   for a full three hours while Republicans tried to round up enough
   votes to win. But that's not the bad part. After the Republicans
   finally managed to beat enough of their team into lockstep - uh, I
   mean, gently persuade them to change their votes - it was alleged by
   several media outlets that at least one Republican had attempted to
   use bribery as a means of getting a congressman to change his vote.
   Apparently an "undisclosed Republican" told Rep. Nick Smith (R-Mich)
   that "business interests would contribute $100,000 to help his son,
   Brad, succeed him" as congressman after Smith steps down in 2004.
   (Smith's son is running for the seat, and I'm sure $100,000 would be
   quite useful.) Rep. Nick Smith did the honorable things and turned
   down the offer - but the fact that it was made in the first place
   speaks volumes about the party in charge right now. Despicable.

   9 An Anonymous Dittohead   Racism racism
   Conservatives must be so proud that this country is back on the right
   track. Because now that Republicans control all the branches of
   government, they can get back to doing what they do best. Take this
   anonymous dittohead for example, who - presumably inspired by Rush
   Limbaugh's suggestion that Donovan McNabb is nothing but a product of
   that damn dirty liberal media (see Idiots 129) - has taken to sending
   threatening hate mail to black NFL players. According to Reuters, the
   letters said that "African-Americans should not be allowed to play
   professional football and earn stacks of money." Although I have a
   feeling that they might not have been quite that polite. Apparently
   the letters were often signed as "All Whites" or "Angry white women" -
   which is odd, since they should probably be signed, "Jethro. PS.
   Thanks Rush for showing me that it's acceptable to tell the TRUTH
   about black NFL players. You're my hero."

   10 Neil Bush   Sex Sex Sex
   And finally, according to recently-disclosed legal documents,
   Bush-brother Neil admitted to "sex romps with women in Asia" as part
   of a deposition taken during his divorce from Sharon Bush. Well I
   never. But here's the funny part: apparently the women "simply knocked
   on the door of his hotel room, entered and engaged in sex with him. He
   said he did not know if they were prostitutes because they never asked
   for money and he did not pay them." Isn't that incredible? Women just
   showed up at his door, he had sex with them, and then they just left.
   What a stroke of luck! According to the documents, Sharon Bush's
   lawyer was a little confused by this: "Mr Bush, you have to admit it's
   a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door
   and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her."
   Neil's response: "It was very unusual." Yes, almost a little too
   unusual. Still, probably no point in asking too many questions about
   these strange women who just show up at your door, have sex with you,
   and then leave, eh Neil? There must be some perfectly innocent
   explanation! See you next week...

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
        http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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  " you can criticize me, but don't criticize my
     children and don't criticize my daughters-in-law and don't
     criticize my husband, or you're dead."
                                    Barbara Bush
                                    CNN LARRY KING LIVE
                                    Aired October 22, 2003
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