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   The Top 10 Conservative Idiots

   September 27, 2004
   Two Faced Edition

       It's long been understood that Our Great Leader consistently
   says one thing and does another. This week, he's gone way beyond that.
   Yes, George W. Bush (1) may have given up cocaine, but it appears that
   he's now on LSD. Fortunately he's got the ever-credible Ayad Allawi
   (2) to back him up, and when I say back him up I mean read
   carefully-prepared GOP talking points off a teleprompter. Dick Cheney
   (4) heads up a list of other conservatives who went way off the deep
   end last week, with Jimmy Swaggart (6) following close behind.
   Elsewhere, the Rather Haters (7,8) are gleefully shutting down the
   last remnants of real investigative journalism, and the rest of The
   Media (9) are licking their chops at the prospect of the upcoming
   presidential debates. And what would the Top Ten be without Bill
   O'Reilly? (10) Enjoy...

   1 George W. Bush two-faced two-faced two-faced two-faced two-faced
   John Kerry is telling the truth about what's happening in Iraq, and if
   there's one thing the Bush Boys don't like, it's truth-telling. Last
   week an editorial in the Washington Post said that recent accounts of
   events in Iraq are "bland to the point of dishonesty." Wrote the Post,
   "Not only has Mr. Bush not said how, or whether, he intends to respond
   to the worsening situation - he doesn't really admit it exists. This
   duck-and-cover strategy may have its political advantages, but it is
   also deeply irresponsible and potentially dangerous." Bush's two-faced
   approach to Iraq is indeed dangerous. First he said there were weapons
   of mass destruction, and there weren't. Then he said there were
   connections between Iraq and al Qaeda, and there weren't (even the
   State Department didn't think so). And now he says that democracy is
   on the way in Iraq, and everything is just peachy-keen there. News
   flash: it isn't. At the time of writing, September is the fifth worst
   month for American soldiers in Iraq, with 63 service members killed
   there since the end of August. Overall more than 135 foreigners have
   been kidnapped - several have been beheaded this month alone. But Bush
   is clearly living on his own little fantasy planet. Last week he said,
   "I saw a poll that said the right-track/wrong-track in Iraq was better
   than here in America." You know, I'm not sure what's more disturbing
   about that statement - Bush pretending that Iraqis think they're
   heading in the right direction, or Bush being proud of the fact that
   Iraqis are more confident about the future of Iraq than Americans are
   about America. Still not delusional enough for you? On Fox News last
   week, Bush was asked whether he would still put on a flight suit and
   make the Mission Accomplished speech. 900 dead soldiers later, Bush's
   response was "absolutely." And Our Great Leader also brushed off a
   recent CIA National Intelligence Estimate which claimed that scenarios
   in Iraq ranged from "shitty" to "wow-that's-shitty," saying that just
   a "handful" of terrorists are operating in Iraq (despite Iraqi Prime
   Minister Ayad Allawi saying last week that terrorists are "pouring
   in"), and that the CIA was just "guessing." Oh, well, gee - guessing?
   I feel so much better.

   2 Ayad Allawi excessive spin excessive spin partisanship
   Here's an odd thing - Ayad Allawi did say recently that terrorists are
   "pouring" into Iraq. Yet, oddly, when he held a joint press conference
   with George W. Bush at the White House last week, he'd completely
   changed his tune. The Associated Press reported that "Iraqi Prime
   Minister Ayad Allawi sees a bright future for Iraqi democracy,
   brushing aside skeptics who say elections set for January may be
   truncated or canceled altogether because of violence." Unfortunately
   one of those skeptics is Donald Rumsfeld (remember him?) who said last
   week that elections may not take place in areas where violence is too
   great. Like, you know... Baghdad... and, um... the entire Sunni
   Triangle. And most of the rest of the country. Said Rumsfeld, "You
   have an election that's not quite perfect. Is it better than not
   having an election? You bet." You bet indeed. But getting back to
   Allawi... it certainly appears that Team Bush had him well prepped to
   stay "on message," as he continued to repeat the kind of rhetoric that
   other Republican leaders (I'm looking at you, Dick Cheney) have had to
   back away from in recent weeks. He told Jim Lehrer, "Well, I assure
   you if Saddam was still there, terrorists will be hitting there again
   at Washington and New York, as they did in the murderous attack in
   September; they'll be hitting also on other places in Europe and the
   Middle East." In other words, elect George Bush or you'll all be blown
   to smithereens. Never mind the fact that Saddam had nothing to do with
   9/11, had no weapons of mass destruction, and didn't even have an army
   to speak of. Deposing him was the right thing to do - although having
   a plan to make things work after deposing him appears to have been
   just slightly overlooked.

   3 George W. Bush and Ayad Allawi two-faced excessive spin photo-opping
   Last week two-faced Bush told a bald-faced lie about John Kerry at
   several campaign appearances. Bush claimed that, "Incredibly, this
   week, my opponent said he would prefer the dictatorship of Saddam
   Hussein to the situation in Iraq today." Except that's not what John
   Kerry said at all. What Kerry actually said was this: "Saddam Hussein
   was a brutal dictator who deserves his own special place in hell. But
   that was not, that was not, in and of itself, a reason to go to war."
   Hmm. But while we're on the subject of preferring dictatorships, you
   might be interested to know that the man Bush installed as Prime
   Minister of Iraq and invited to the White House and Congress last
   week, apparently used to be an assassin for Saddam Hussein, and helped
   Saddam get into power in the first place. Not only that, but his
   medical degree was allegedly "conferred upon him by the Baath party,"
   and he was recently accused of personally executing several Iraqi
   insurgents. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, "he threatens
   martial law; he warns he might shut down sections of the media; he
   suggests he might delay elections. His Justice Minister is bringing
   back the death penalty; his Defense Minister warns he'll chop off
   insurgents' hands and heads." So if you're looking for free and fair
   elections in Iraq, you'll probably have better luck looking in
   Florida. And that's saying something.

   4 Dick Cheney lying excessive spin warmongering
   But you'd better think twice if you want to tell the truth about Ayad
   Allawi and the situation in Iraq - because if you do, look out! Dick
   Cheney is on the rampage, and it's not a pretty sight. Cheney blasted
   John Kerry last week for the heinous crime of truth-telling, saying he
   was "appalled" by Kerry's "lack of respect" for Allawi. What's that,
   Dick? You've brought Saddam's former assassin over to act as a prop
   for your election campaign, and Kerry isn't allowed to mention that
   you're telling fibs about every single aspect of the Iraqi
   misadventure? Get off your high horse. Cheney went on: "John Kerry is
   trying to tear down all the good that has been accomplished, and his
   words are destructive to our effort in Iraq and in the global war on
   terror." What bullshit. Here's the truth, Dick: you and George fucked
   Iraq up but good, and now you can't fix it. So rather than tell the
   truth about what's happening over there, you're endangering us, the
   Iraqi people, and the rest of the world by lying, spinning, and
   creating bizarre fantasies about the situation there. This is how you
   got us into Iraq in the first place, and this is the only way you know
   how to deal with it.

   5 Team Bush excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin
   Waaaah! Team Bush, reeling from John Kerry's recent tough attacks on
   President Two-Face's mishandling of Iraq and the war on terror, have
   come up with the lamest campaign idea ever - they're saying John Kerry
   is COPYING George W. Bush! Jeez, guys, why don't you tell the teacher?
   "Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones! John Kerry is COPYING me!" Kerry said last
   week that Iraq was a "profound diversion" from hunting down al Qaeda,
   and promised, "I will never take my eye off the ball." In response,
   "the Bush-Cheney campaign said Kerry is 'copying' Bush's anti-terror
   plan, even as he attacks the way Bush is waging that fight," according
   to NBC News 10. Odd - it seems to me that if Kerry really was copying
   Bush he'd be lying to everyone about the progress being made in Iraq,
   fabricating stories about how invading Iraq was vital to preventing
   another 9/11, and making stuff up about the Iraqi people throwing
   flowers at the feet of our soldiers before dashing hand-in-hand to the
   polls in January. Doesn't sound like Kerry is copying Bush to me.

   6 Jimmy Swaggart homophobia homophobia homophobia homophobia
   homophobia
   But let's leave the serious topics behind now and get onto some more
   lighthearted entertainment. Last week serial prostitute-procurer Jimmy
   Swaggart said on his popular television show, "I've never seen a man
   in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm going to be blunt and plain: If
   one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he
   died." Wait a second - that doesn't sound very lighthearted. But don't
   worry, it's okay - see, Swaggart later clarified his position, saying
   his comments were "meant to be a joke." Oh, a-ha ha ha! I get it now!
   It's all a big joke! Man, don't you just love it when evangelist
   preachers make jokes about killing homosexuals? Hoo-boy. Swaggart made
   the remarks to "applause and laughs" during a televised sermon, but
   has since apologized, saying "I am totally opposed to any type of
   violence against anyone." He added, "Everyone except gay men, that is.
   I'd kill them." He further added, "Just a joke, get it?" He concluded,
   "Does anyone know where I can get a hooker 'round here?"

   7 Rather Haters hypocrisy hypocrisy excessive spin
   The outcry over the infamous CBS memos has reached truly ridiculous
   proportions. For some reason it seems that these memos - which were
   not even central to the story of Bush going AWOL from the National
   Guard - are now THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. And the utter
   hypocrisy of the right-wing spin machine is, in my opinion, about to
   create some kind of dangerous rip in the space-time continuum. Take
   this quote from Mike Krempasky, who set up Rathergate.com. Before you
   read it, pretend that he's talking about George W. Bush and the way
   this administration invaded Iraq based on politicized and profoundly
   wrong intelligence, leading us into a poorly-managed occupation which
   has taken the lives of thousands upon thousands of people. Okay? Here
   we go: "The buck has to stop ... He's certainly the face of the story.
   He's the one who sneered at anyone who dared criticize him on the
   story for 10 days. He's the one who put his credibility on the line
   when he said he believed in the story." Except he's not talking about
   George W. Bush, he's talking about Dan Rather. Has the world gone
   completely insane? Meanwhile, some media corporations have removed CBS
   from their radio stations' broadcast schedules, allegedly because of
   listener uproar. "We had so much outcry from our listeners. They were
   calling and complaining and saying they wouldn't listen to a CBS
   newscast anymore," said Lisa Sinclair, general manager of Sinclair
   Communications. "This is a conservative market, and people felt that
   CBS was exhibiting a great deal of liberal bias and lost credibility
   with this situation." By the way, if the name Sinclair rings a bell,
   it's because they're a bunch of right-wing nutjobs who were featured
   back in Idiots 154 when they refused to air Nightline's special
   broadcast honoring soldiers killed in Iraq. So you can bet they were
   really disappointed about getting rid of Dan Rather. I bet they took
   all of, I dunno, two calls before they caved.

   8 Rather Haters (again) pandering partisanship
   Unfortunately, the fact is that the pressure the Rather Haters are
   putting on CBS is paying off - last week CBS announced that are
   shelving a report on Iraq's lack of weapons of mass destruction. Why?
   Because apparently it would be "inappropriate" to air it so close to
   an election. Inappropriate? So how long does the media have to stop
   reporting the news before an election? Six weeks? Seven? I didn't
   realize there was a statute of limitations on this kind of thing. Add
   to that the fact that the CEO of CBS's parent company Viacom announced
   last week that he was a Bush supporter, and you have a very nice
   squeeze that the right-wingers are putting on CBS. So all you
   reporters who still believe in the power of investigative journalism,
   I'm afraid your days are numbered. Now please, everyone return to your
   TV sets and watch the talking heads shout at one another. It's
   thoroughly uninformative and it's not very entertaining, but with the
   election just over a month away we certainly wouldn't want the media
   to rock the boat by reporting actual news stories, would we?

   9 The Media partisanship excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin
   excessive spin
   With the first of the presidential debates scheduled for this
   Thursday, I think it's important to put things in perspective. First
   of all, forget about all this low expectations bullcrap. When it comes
   to public speaking, George Bush is pathetic. Kerry will wipe the floor
   with him without even breaking a sweat. HOWEVER, this does not
   necessarily mean that Kerry will win the debates. In fact, Kerry's
   chances are slim, and here's why: the following handy list comes
   courtesy of DUer Sparkly, and is a concise summary of what will happen
   after each presidential debate. Keep this list handy on September
   30th, and see how many of these pundit points YOU can spot when the
   debate ends!
   KERRY If he's serious - they'll say he's glum, gloomy, pessimistic,
   and uninspiring. 
   If he's jovial - they'll say he's phony and trying too hard.
   BUSH If he's serious - he's presidential, the war-time commander in
   chief. 
   If he's jovial- everybody wants to have a beer with him.
   [ghost.gif] [ghost.gif]
   KERRY If he's forceful - they'll say he's too aggressive, mean,
   negative, desperate. 
   If he's calm - they'll say he's weak, unsteady, dull, lacks energy.
   BUSH If he's forceful - they'll say he's strong, resolute, unwavering.
   If he's calm - they'll say he's prepared, on-message, disciplined,
   reserved.
   [ghost.gif] [ghost.gif]
   KERRY If he's specific - they'll say he's wonkish, presenting "laundry
   lists," being overly-intellectual, show-offy, and nobody likes the
   smart kid. 
   If he's not specific - they'll say he's vague, criticizing but not
   offering solutions, not addressing the issues, and nobody knows who he
   is.
   BUSH If he's specific - they'll say he "lays out his plan" and "makes
   his case." 
   If he's not specific - they'll say he's spanning the issues, giving a
   global presentation, painting a broad outline of his plans.
   [ghost.gif] [ghost.gif]
   KERRY If he jokes - they'll say he lacks gravitas, trivializes
   important issues, doesn't understand troops are in harm's way,
   nation's at war, disrespects the president, etc. 
   If he doesn't joke - they'll say he needs to lighten up, he's too
   stoney, he's wooden.
   BUSH If he jokes - they'll say he's a man of the people, a regular
   guy, people relate to him. 
   If he doesn't joke - they'll say he truly cares about the American
   people and his sincerity resonates with voters in this difficult time.

   Plus, if Bush finds his podium and doesn't trip on his way to it, he's
   surpassed all expectations. (Extra points for correct pronunciation of
   "Abu Ghraib" or "nuclear.")

   10 Bill O'Reilly massive ego massive ego massive ego dumb
   And finally, there's intriguing news from the world of one of our
   favorite conservative idiots, Bill O'Reilly. After his recent stellar
   rebuttal of Mr. Jack Mehoffer (see Idiots 170), it seems that Bill is
   starting to think bigger than Fox News prime-time. So, what's next for
   the blotchiest loudmouth on television? Well, it seems that Mr.
   O'Reilly may be contemplating politics as a job rather than simply a
   tool to annoy people. That's right - our Bill may well be planning to
   run for the United States Senate. But don't get too excited - if Bill
   does take the plunge he'll be going toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton,
   so his plunge could well end up being a long, screaming plummet,
   followed by a loud splash and then a sort of gurgling sound. Insiders
   aren't sure why O'Reilly would want a seat in the Senate, but it's
   possible that he's trying to break Alan Keyes' current record for
   Worst Senate Candidate Of All Time. Although if it does happen, I
   can't wait for him to try to tell Hillary to "shut up, shut up, just
   shut up" during the debates. He'll be picking his teeth up off the
   floor. See you next week!


   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
         http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
   _____________________________________________________________________
   
   Medals earned by Kerry: 3 Purple Hearts
                           1 Silver Star
                           1 Bronze Star
   Medals earned by Bush : 0
   ______________________________________
   Bush - 3 arrests, 1 conviction.
   Cheney - 2 arrests, 2 convictions.
   Clinton - 0 arrests, 0 convictions.
   ___________________________________