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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 150)
   April 5, 2004
   Yawning Edition

   As the 9/11 investigation continues, the revelations about the White
   House just get worse and worse. As the White House tries to spin their
   pre-9/11 foreign policy, a never-delivered speech by National Security
   Advisor Condoleezza Rice (1) clearly illustrates their lack of
   attention to international terrorism. Not surprisingly, the vast
   right-wing conspiracy was spinning like crazy. Bill Frist (3), Bob
   Novak (4), and Zell Miller (5) all had some ridiculous things to say
   about Richard Clarke. And Jim Bunning (7) had some ridiculous things
   to say about his Democratic opponent for US Senate. And we've even got
   Bush on the list twice. Enjoy...

   1 Condoleezza Rice covering your ass covering your ass lying lying
   It looks like the Responsibility President is down to his last line of
   defense. Last week George W. Bush threw Condoleezza Rice to the 9/11
   Commission in a final attempt to cover his own ass, but it appears
   that the buck is moving slowly and inexorably towards Our Great
   Leader's desk, where, fingers crossed, it will stop. Unfortunately
   it'll probably just sorta slide right off the desk, leave quietly
   through a side door, and end up scotch-taped to the ass of some
   low-level bureaucrat - but we shall see. Meanwhile, Condi is likely to
   face some tough questioning from the 9/11 Commission this Thursday. To
   be fair, the questions might not have been so tough if she, oh, I
   dunno, hadn't lied her ass off since September 11 - just a thought.
   But Condi will also face accusations that she wasn't interested in al
   Qaeda and terrorism before September 11. It was revealed last week
   that she was due to give a speech on 9/11/01 which focused on missile
   defense, not terrorism. Apparently the speech said that we need to
   face "the threats and problems of today and the day after, not the
   world of yesterday," and then criticized Bill Clinton for focusing on
   terrorist groups and not on missile defense. Genius. Not only that but
   a former FBI translator testified to the 9/11 Commission recently that
   the US should have had an "orange or red type of alert in June or July
   of 2001. There was that much information available," and that, "there
   was specific information about use of airplanes, that an attack was on
   the way two or three months beforehand and that several people were
   already in the country by May of 2001. They should've alerted the
   people to the threat we're facing." Hmmm. Kinda puts a dent in Condi's
   "we had no idea they would use airplanes as missiles" story, doesn't
   it?

   2 CNN dumb dumb
   On the Late Show last week, David Letterman played a series of clips
   of a recent George W. Bush speech, which featured a teenage boy in the
   background yawning and checking his watch. Clearly amused by the boy's
   antics, CNN's Daryn Kagan ran the clips the following morning on CNN
   Live Today. And here's where it starts to get weird. After breaking
   for a commercial, Kagan came back and told her viewers that, "that
   video was from David Letterman. We're being told by the White House
   that the kid, as funny as he was, was edited into that video, which
   would explain why the people around him weren't really reacting. So,
   that from the White House." Hey, nice fact-checking Daryn! So the
   White House calls to tell you the "truth" and you just blurt it out
   right there on air? Does this have anything to do with all those
   missing weapons of mass destruction by any chance? But as if reporting
   spin directly from the White House isn't bad enough, there's even more
   idiocy to this than meets the eye. See, it turned out Letterman hadn't
   edited the boy into the clips - they were 100% real - and not only
   that but CNN claimed they hadn't even had a call from the White House.
   Apparently it was all just "a misunderstanding among staff."
   Fascinating! So this is how the cable news networks really operate -
   they just make it up as they go along.

   3 Bill Frist partisanship excessive spin
   Bill Frist has got a long way to go before he can claim the coveted
   "Ugliest Speech By A Senate Majority Leader" award currently held by
   Trent Lott (see Idiots 94) - but he'll probably be satisfied with last
   week's performance nonetheless. On the floor of the Senate, Frist all
   but accused Richard Clarke of committing perjury during his testimony
   to the 9/11 Commission, and said that Clarke was merely trying to
   "profit from the suffering that this nation endured on Sept. 11,
   2001." (Of course, Bill Frist would never consider doing such a thing
   himself.) But it appears that Frist has failed to learn the lessons of
   Bill O'Reilly's lawsuit against Al Franken. See, Senator, when you
   latch yourself onto the White House spin machine and decry someone's
   book on the Senate floor, you're only going to make people more
   interested in that book. Sucker. Incidentally, Clarke has said that he
   will donate a "substantial" portion of the sales from the book to the
   families of military personnel who have died in Afghanistan and Iraq -
   not that he's obligated to do that. Richard Clarke has already done
   more for the 9/11 families than the entire Bush administration put
   together by having the courage to come out and tell the truth. You
   should try it sometime, Senator. Actually, better not. Your brain
   might melt.

   4 Robert Novak excessive spin excessive spin racism
   Mind you, Bob "Traitor" Novak went one step further than Bill Frist
   last week, desperately trying to inject racism into the Richard Clarke
   story. On CNN's Crossfire, Novak asked Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Illinois),
   "Congressman, do you believe, you're a sophisticated guy, do you
   believe watching these hearings that Dick Clarke has a problem with
   this African-American woman Condoleezza Rice?" Uh, what? Clearly
   confused by this brazen statement, Emanuel asked Novak to repeat
   himself. So he did. "Do you believe that Dick Clarke has a problem
   with this African-American woman Condoleezza Rice?" asked Novak. "No,
   no. Bob, give me a break. No. No." said Emanuel. As John Stewart said
   later on the Daily Show, "I didn't even know this deck had a race
   card." I mean, for goodness sake, is there anything the Republican
   Attack machine won't try to pin on Richard Clarke? Look for next
   week's NewsMax exposi, "Richard Clarke: I wore women's clothing while
   picking up young boys on the Internet." Seriously, look out for it.

   5 Zell Miller partisanship excessive spin
   Once the first and only Democrat to ever appear on the Top Ten, Zell
   Miller could have a permanent spot from now until November if he keeps
   going at this rate. Last week the proud Bush supporter announced that
   we should stop investigating 9/11 immediately because it could
   "energize our enemies and demoralize our troops." That's right -
   according to Miller, finding out why 3,000 people were killed on
   September 11 so that we can make sure it doesn't happen again is the
   same as giving aid and comfort to the enemy. See, on Planet Zell, it's
   Richard Clarke who's really to blame for 9/11 because he was in the
   "catbird seat" for ten years. Never mind that Clarke was practically
   begging Bush to pay attention to al Qaeda and Bush ignored him - has
   everyone forgotten that Our Great Leader is absolutely not responsible
   for anything at all that happens under his watch? Said Miller, "It's
   obvious to me that this country is rapidly dividing itself into two
   camps - the wimps and the warriors." No Zell, if this country is
   dividing itself into two camps it's between people who want the truth
   and people who've got their noses so far up Bush's butt that they've
   lost their minds.

   6 John Burt just plain evil
   Pro-life activist John Burt used to run a home for "troubled girls and
   women." Whether they were troubled before they got there is up for
   debate - but they sure as hell were troubled afterwards. Burt was
   convicted last week on five counts of lewd or lascivious molestation
   or conduct and now faces a maximum of 75 years in prison. The girl
   Burt molested testified at his trial via a video link, accusing him
   among other things of showing her "a graphic and sexually explicit
   note that asks for oral sex and sexual intercourse." Burt testified
   that the note was actually for his wife, but - surprise - nobody
   believed him. Incidentally, Burt also associated with two men who were
   convicted of committing anti-abortion murders in the mid-1990s. I
   guess murder and child molestation are all part of the new
   conservative "family values" program.

   7 Jim Bunning racism
   Nothing like a good ethnic/terrorist "joke" to get a good hearty laugh
   at a Republican dinner - even better if the "joke" is told by a US
   Senator. It was revealed last week that at a March 20 dinner, Kentucky
   Senator Jim Bunning (R-Naturally) told the audience that his likely
   Democratic opponent in November, Dan Mongiardo, looks like Uday or
   Qusay Hussein. Ha ha! (Mongiardo is the son of Italian immigrants,
   which I guess Bunning equates with those swarthy-looking
   middle-eastern types.) The Cincinnati Enquirer asked Bunning's
   campaign about the remarks, which were reported to them by a
   Republican who attended the dinner, and the campaign promptly
   apologized. But here's the funny thing - later that day they retracted
   the apology, saying that they had obtained a tape of the event, and
   the report of Bunning's remarks was "inaccurate." Hmmmm. So could the
   Enquirer perhaps hear the tape, to find out what Bunning really said?
   Sorry - no. Well then, could the campaign just tell the Enquirer what
   Bunning really said? Uh, no. Oh, well, that all sounds completely
   above board then. Apparently there was something to the story though -
   Bunning's campaign apologized again last week, this time saying,
   "We're sorry if this joke, which got a lot of laughs, offended
   anyone." Well as long as a roomful of fatcat Republicans found the
   Senator's ethnic slur amusing, I guess that's okay.

   8 George W. Bush covering your ass excessive spin
   According to Our Great Leader, everything in Iraq is peachy-keen -
   despite his failure to find weapons of mass destruction, 600+ dead
   American soldiers, and the fact that the country appears to be
   slipping towards civil war. Last week Bush appeared at a $2000-a-plate
   fundraiser where he mentioned Iraq but failed to mention the four
   contractors who had been shot dead, set on fire, dismembered, dragged
   through the streets of Fallujah and then hung from a bridge just hours
   before. I guess that wouldn't have gone down too well with his
   supporters. But that's okay, I guess Bush can keep burying his head in
   the sand if he wants. Hey, he told us that Iraqis would be dancing in
   the streets, and he kept his promise. Shame they were dancing around
   the charred bodies of American civilians.

   9 George W. Bush helping the terrorists fiscal irresponsibility
   Despite the Richard Clarke controversy, George W. Bush is still trying
   to portray himself as a no-compromises, tough-on-terror kinda guy.
   Funny then that last week the White House denied an IRS request for 80
   more criminal investigators to add to the 160 it currently has
   tracking down and disrupting al Qaeda's financial networks. And why
   was the request denied? So Bush can save a mere $12 million. Ah,
   there's nothing like frugality when it comes to stopping al Qaeda.
   Sure, we can spend $150 billion making things worse in Iraq, but $12
   million to actually do something useful in the war on terror? Not a
   chance! That reminds me, isn't it about time they fired some more gay
   translators?

   10 The White House covering your ass
   And finally, guess what? The White House is going to vet the 9/11
   Commission's report line by line before it is publicly released, to
   make sure that it doesn't, you know, "compromise intelligence," or
   "jeopardize national security," or "make them look bad." So first they
   try to prevent an investigation into 9/11, then they try to delay it,
   then they try to prevent its deadline from being extended, then they
   try to prevent any members of the administration from testifying - and
   now the last ace up their sleeve is to redact half of the final
   report. According to Reuters, "Commission vice chairman Lee Hamilton
   vowed not to let the White House 'distort' the report." Ha, good luck
   with that. If there's one thing the Bush administration is good at,
   it's distorting. Expect to see a large consignment of black magic
   markers arriving at the White House sometime this week. See you next
   week...

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
   http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
   _____________________________________________________________________

    "I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain --                 
     I do not need to explain why I say things.                      
     That's the interesting thing about being president." 
                                                 george w. bush