🚀 go-pugleaf

Shirley Lee (jolee@cts.com) wrote:
: dickerso@netcom.com (Mike Dickerson) wrote:

: >Shirley Lee (jolee@cts.com) wrote:
: >: Aqua <reif_andrea@tandem.com> wrote:

: >: >that's always a risk for both sides anyway.  I still feel really bad
: >: >when my initial feeling of "no fireworks" turns out to be right and 
: >: >I'm put in the position of hurting someone.  

: >: Well, you can always try the friend approach...I found once that being
: >: a friend to someone who doesn't initially cause fireworks is nice and
: >: sometimes the fireworks develope later in the relationship...and you
: >: haven't lost anything if it doesn't work...you just have a good
: >: friend. 

: >Aaaaaaaaaaaagh.  Not the dreaded 'let's just be friends'.
: >This is far worse than telling a guy to just buzz off.  It
: >usually comes off sounding like the woman pities the poor
: >socially inadequate guy.  Nobody wants that kind of pity.

: >At least if you tell a guy to get lost, he can say to himself
: >(and maybe his friends) "what a cold bitch".  This allows
: >him to survive with his ego intact.  

: >Mike
: So, are you saying that having friends is just something we
: do as a sort of charity?  I don't know about you, but I don't
: think of every man I know as a romantic experience...some
: of us have friends that we care about and want to talk to 
: and share our thoughts and feeling with...so maybe we are
: either not talking about the same thing...or are REALLY
: from different planets!

The issue is one of expectations and sincerity.  If 
there is a common interest or activity, or whatever 
that gives people a reason to be together and develop 
a friendship, that is fine.  

The real difficulty comes when a guy develops romantic 
feelings in a situation where there is no reason for the
two people to be together, other than the potential
romantic relationship.  If the woman is not interested,
and she uses the 'let's just be friends' line, it almost
always comes off as insincere, because it almost always
is insincere.  

It is kind of like saying "I have no interest, but I don't 
think you can handle it if I tell you directly that I have 
no interest, so I will have pity on you and try to let you 
down easy."  Most guys can handle the "I have no interest"
part.  They don't want the implied pity.

This may be another example of men and women learning to
communicate on 'different planets'.  Maybe women would
prefer to hear the 'let's just be friends' line when a
guy has no interest, I don't know.  I do know that I
have had numerous conversations with guys who *hate*
the dreaded "let's just be friends" line.

Mike