🚀 go-pugleaf

In article <4d44uq$1pb2@trumpet.aix.calpoly.edu>,
jgreen@trumpet.aix.calpoly.edu (James T. Green) wrote:

> Netnom <netnom@aol.com> wrote:
> >:::From: jgreen@trumpet.aix.calpoly.edu (James T. Green)
> >
> >>Sandy <sgrabhor@cymbal.aix.calpoly.edu> wrote:
> >>jgreen@trumpet.aix.calpoly.edu commented:
> >>
> >>>* Says, "I don't have time to go out."
> >>>  - Then you hear she somewhere with someone else at the time she told 
> >>>you she was "busy."
> >>
> >>Ummmmm...let me see if I understand this one...she said she was "busy"
> >>(and therefore unavailable to go out with you) and was seen out with
> >>someone else.  Sounds like she was busy to me.  Your point? 
> >
> >:::I was refering to a women who SAYS she's "busy" due to something like
> >:::homework, business, "too tired to go out" or some other non-dating
> >:::reason. Then she goes out with someone else.  The point is that said
> >:::hypothetical person is not being honest with me. She won't say she's
> >got :::another date and instead makes up a story.  
> >
> >would you really, truly be comfortable with a women saying, 'sorry but i
> >have a date with another guy"?    
> 
> It would depend on the situation.  If we had no committment to each 
> other then I probably wouldn't mind.  If she as my wife I would probably 
> mind :-(.
> 
> >if she said this, would you ask her out
> >again?    (i.e., are you willing to date a woman who is also dating
> >another man?   i'm talking about the initial stages of dating, before
> >there is any sex or commitment.)  i think  most women fear that the answer
> >for most men to these questions would be 'NO.'      
> 
> Again it would depend on the situation.  My asking her out again would
> depend on a lot of factors.  I wouldn't expect someone I'd just met to
> reveal their entire life to me.  Whether I'd ask again would depend in
> part her hypothetical relationship to the other guy (i.e.  casual date vs.
> near-engagement).  How often I saw her in life would be a factor.  If I
> saw her once every few months at random intervals, I might not ask again. 
> If I saw her daily, I might ask again the next weekend.  It would also
> depend in part on how she "turned me down".  If she made it clear that she
> would welcome a future opportunity to date, then I might again ask. 
> Better yet, she might suggest an alternative time or even later ask me out
> herself!  Also if I keep asking and get "other plans" more than a few
> times I'll probably quit asking unless I have a good reason. 
> 
> >and how about you, do you tell women you're dating about how you've also
> >been out on a date with another woman?  
> 
> It depends on the woman concerned.  There is at least one woman I "date" 
> (for lack of a better term) whom I inform of other encounters.  When the
> situation seems appropriate I tend to tell othr women I go out with about
> other female friends.  Actually at the moment I tend to have a lot of
> female friends without any specific committments. 
> 
> I'm speaking here in terms of her directly saying she is turning me 
> down for a specific reason when the true reason is another guy.  
> 
> Frequency of this kind of thing would also be a big factor.  If this sort 
> of thing was an infrequent event, it might not bother me much.  If I knew 
> that "washing my hair" always means out dancing with _____, then I'd be 
> more bothered.
> 
> >and why do i get the feeling that if a woman *did* tell you that she was
> >out on a date with another man,, that you'd say *that* was a head game,
> >too -- i.e., she's trying to make you jealous! 
> 
> Paranoid delusions?  Perhaps you had that happen to you in the past?
> 
> BTW, I have known women who date other guy in order to get their real 
> "interest" jealous.  
> 
> Actually I'd be more comfortable being told that she had another date 
> than being told she was going to be home cleaning the bathroom only to 
> find out she went out with someone else instead.  It's a question of 
> honesty and a lack of honest would prevent a relationship from going 
> onward.  If I'd known her awhile and she still felt it was either 
> "necessary" or desirable to keep her other life a secret, then I would 
> not feel comfortable getting more committed to her.  I'm speaking in 
> terms of long-term life committment (marriage, etc) rather than just 
> friendship.  Marriage is to me a deep sharing of each other with trust 
> and honesty.  Honest means telling the truth no matter what the truth is.
> 
> If she want's to consistently lie or keep her life hidden then she doesn't 
> need me in her life and vice-versa.
> 
> >now i agree that an outright lie is no good.  personally, i will say that
> >i'm 'busy' or 'have plans' or am 'seeing a friend' -- all of which are
> >truthful, but keep my right to privacy *and* avoid hurting the guy's
> >feelings unnecessarily (after all, i still may pick him as the person i
> >want to get seriously  involved with).    
> >if i haven't yet had sex with a
> >man, i don't see that he has any *right* to know i'm dating someone else. 
> 
> Hmmm.  Is sex the standand for "right" to know?  I think it goes beyond 
> that.  Just because I'd had sex with a woman doesn't mean she's entitled 
> to access to my life and vice-versa.  
> 
> "Right to know" is a big standard.  Perhaps I may not have the "right" to
> know whom a woman is dating, but I'd feel a bit less likely to want to
> make a serious committment to her if my questions were consistently
> answered either by "none of your business" or outright lies.  This would
> be even more annoying if I were (and usually am) open about my life and
> activities. 
> 
> Lying by omission is another thing.  If I don't ask and she doesn't tell 
> and we have no committment, then it's not a lie.  If we are 
> engaged/married/otherwise jointly committed and she dates/etc another guy 
> and doesn't tell me it is a lie by omission.  (I'm not talking about 
> spending time with a male friend, I'm talking about something 
> sexual/romantic, etc).  
> 
> I think also being willing to volunteer to tell what you've been up to 
> without prompting is important.  I think communications is very important 
> in a relationship and for it to grow.  If I never get feedback except 
> when I ask direct questions I'd question how much she really wants to 
> open up to me.  
> 
> >  i'm curious if you think that he does....and if you apply the same
> >standards to yourself and male friends that you are applying to women.
> 
> Yes.  All I've said above could be gender-inverted IMHO.  All I've said 
> above I would also apply to myself, so nygh! ;-P
> 
> 
> /~~(-: James Thomas Green :-)~~~~(-: jgreen@oboe.calpoly.edu :-)~~\ 
> | Calvin: Do you believe in the devil.  You know, an all powerful |
> |         being dedicated to the temptation and corruption of man?|
> | Hobbes: I didn't think humans needed the help.                  |
> \____________{-: http://www.calpoly.edu/~jgreen :-}_______________/

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