🚀 go-pugleaf

             -< Mike Royko (a columnist from the Chicago Tribune) >-
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MIKE ROYKO  [If I were on the panel...]

	A number of major news organizations refuse to let their reporters be
on the panel of questioners at presidential debates. They consider the
debates staged political events and say it would be unethical for them
to take part.
	But I don't have any such qualms. I won't be asked, but just in case,
I have prepared my list of questions for President Bush, Gov. Bill
Clinton and Ross Perot. They cover, I believe, most of the major issues
of this campaign.

	President Bush, you say you were not part of ``the loop'' in the
Iran-contra arms deal. Doesn't that make you feel silly? I mean, there
you were, the Vice President of the United States, the second-biggest
enchilada, and they didn't even tell you what was going on? What was the
deal -- did they think you'd blab? And would you have blabbed? You want
to blab now?

	Gov. Clinton, you attended Oxford University in England and Yale Law
School in the Ivy League, two of the finest institutions of learning in
the world. So how come you still talk like a hillbilly?

	Mr. Perot, this question concerns the relationship between one's
height and how one uses power. Have you noticed that Napoleon, Attila
the Hun and you are all short guys, and would you care to comment on
that?

	President Bush, did Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa of Japan ever send
you the dry-cleaning bill after you threw up on his trousers, and did
you pay it?

	Gov. Clinton, is your choice of jogging attire an indication that you
are seeking the nerd vote?

	Mr. Perot, you made most of your billions in the computer industry.
Could you tell the American people what the heck they should do when
their PC sends the message, ``Abort, Retry, Fail''?

	President Bush, you are, in all likelihood, the last American
president who will have grown up during the Great Depression. Would you
care to share with those younger Americans, who are now suffering
through hard times, your memories of what it was like to look upon a
depressed nation through the window of the family limo that was driving
you to your prep school?

	Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife
was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with
millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out
of that pickle?

	Mr. Perot, as a successful businessman, don't you think it would be a
more prudent use of your resources to go find a small, undeveloped
country, buy the whole thing and declare yourself king?

	President Bush, you live in the White House, you own a huge home on
the coast of Maine, but you insist on voting in Texas and claiming to be
a Texan. Are you ashamed of being a natural-born Eastern elitist?

	Gov. Clinton, you have said that if you are elected president, you
will continue to make bus tours around the United States to stay in
touch with grass-roots Americans. Do you promise to do it only on
weekends so you don't screw up rush-hour traffic?

	Mr. Perot, from where we're sitting, we can't see -- are you standing
on a phone book?

	President Bush, when that reporter asked you about reports that you
were once lovey-dovey with a female aide, you really got indignant and
mad. Why did you get mad? I mean, come on, you're a successful, healthy,
normal, tall, good-looking guy, with a full head of hair, and, hey,
stuff happens, right?

	Gov. Clinton, President Carter called himself Jimmy. You call
yourself Bill. Don't any of you Southerners have real grown-up names?

	Mr. Perot, after this election is over, and assuming you do not win,
if Larry King has to make a choice between having you on his show or Zsa
Zsa Gabor, what do you think your chances will be, and do you want to
make a bet?

	President Bush, during his two terms in the White House, Ronald
Reagan frequently took naps, dozed off during meetings and took kind of
a laid-back approach to governing our nation. And he was one of the most
popular presidents of modern times. In contrast, you are always wide
awake, on the go, jetting from one place to another, frantically
flailing at golf balls and speeding off in golf carts, or zipping around
in a boat in pursuit of fish, yet your popularity is low. So if you had
it all to do over again, would you have popped a few Valiums?

	Gov. Clinton, after the election is over, win or lose, are you going
to finally inhale?

	Mr. Perot, or are those two phone books?
	
	(C) 1992 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.