🚀 go-pugleaf

          10 ways to deal with a Savage Rottweiler

1. Show it who's master. 
As soon as a rottweiler looks as if it is about to attack
you, immediately don a mortar board and black cape, stand by
a blackboard and begin giving it a lesson in Social Studies.
It will thus realise that you are its master and will
immediately become an attentive pupil. Make it write out a
hundred time 'I must not lick my bollocks in class'. 

2. Roll it a large joint. 
If a Rottweiler is adopting an unpleasantly hostile
attitude, skin up a reefer the size of a turnip and offer it
a toke. The dog's expression will transform into a huge
grin, its eyes will glaze over and it will giggle
uncontrollably at anything you may say, like 'Let go of my
leg you bastard!'

3. Lie down in front of the dog in non-violent protest
against its use of aggression to dominate, subjugate and
intimidate you.
Er, perhaps this isn't such a good idea after all.

4. Wave a stopwatch in front of its eyes and convince it
that it is feeling sleepy. 
Hypnosis is an effective form of influencing behaviour. When
the dog is under your power, suggest to it that it become
something less aggressive and violent - such as a thermo-
nuclear device. Also, try regressing it to see what previous
lives it may have had. One particularly vicious rottweiler
has confessed under hypnosis to having been Vlad the
Impaler, Pot Pol and Norman Tebbit in its previous
existences.

5. Show it a picture of Anne Diamond.
Very effective this. You'll find it will turn on its heels
and flee, whining loudly with its tail between its legs.

6. Pretend you are Saint Francis of Assisi.
Quickly change into a monk's habit, shave the crown of your
head and hum a few bars in Italian of 'If I could talk to
the animals' from Dr Dolittle. The rottweiler will
immediately assume that you are a twelfth century saint and
begin to frolic around you in joyful celebration of the
plenitude of God's creation.

7. Convince it that you are a hazelnut yoghurt.
Or a softly boiled egg, or a glass of Cornish tap water, and
that any attempt to have a quick taste of any part of you
will result in either immediate death, or a bad dose of the
shits, or permanent hair loss.

8. Try to distract its attention.
Throw it a young child to chew, or point out another
bystander who looks more appetising than yourself.

9. Prepare a selection of vegetarian dishes.
Convince it of the ideological objections to eating meat,
especially humans, and show it a number of tasty, wholesome
vegetarian alternatives.

10. Take a shotgun and blow the bastard's brains out.
A quick, satisfying, though slightly messy method of calming
the rottweiler. Also has long term side-effects such as
extreme sluggishness, lack of appetite and a tendency to
decompose in unsightly fashion.

               Taken from THE TRUTH (August/September Issue)
    Only 95p and well worth buying from your local WH Smiths

Hope you like it.  See you,      ALEX.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.