🚀 go-pugleaf

"Confused,"

I was really moved by your letter.  I'm trying to sort out my thoughts about
what you wrote, so bear with me while I improvise. 

First of all, I'd like to tell you (and I know that one stranger telling you
isn't enough) to stop beating yourself up.  You're not a monster, a pervert,
an alien, too intelligent, too gay, too interested in youth, to be a part of
the human race.   The main thing that we, as gay people, are taught is that 
we are the ultimate aliens.  Ask any crew of high-school boys (this survey
was done once) what the ultimate insult is, the one that will always start
a fight.  It is, of course, "faggot".  Being smart is another thing that 
cuts a kid off from the normal crowd.  But as an adult, you recognize that 
there are many "crowds" out there, with many definitions of normal.  As an 
adult, you have the power to control where you live and who you associate
with.  And right now, it sounds like the only person calling you horrible
names is you.  That is the impulse that you have to fight.  Not your 
sexuality.

You may be thinking that your self-hatred is the only thing keeping you
from turning into the dangerous sex-fiend you are so afraid of becoming.
I don't think it works that way.  It is the people who accept their sexuality,
for whom it is a comfortable and integrated part of their lives, who can 
exercise a morality that comes from the heart, not from some kind of self-
imposed bludgeon.   Is being attracted to a minor evil?  No - let's face it:
many younger people are sexual and attractive.  There's no magical 
transformation that happens at midnight on someone's eighteenth birthday to
give them sexual appeal.  Are you evil for appreciating the beauty and 
vitality of youth?  I don't think so.

Actions, of course, are something else.  Actually having a sexual
relationship with a boy would be risky for you and probably bad for him.  
But I think you know that, and haven't acted on that particular aspect of
your sexuality.  Have you ever thought that that's a matter for praise,
not blame?   I think that if you were just a bit kinder to yourself, and that
includes your sexual feelings, you would be more, not less, assured that you
will do no harm to another person.

Besides, I have a hunch that what you really want is not to sleep with some
kid in real life, but to go back in time yourself, and do your own youth over
again.  Make it come out right this time.  If you knew then what you know 
now, maybe you could have been proud of who you are; maybe you could have 
found love, and had a boyfriend, and held hands and gone to the prom and 
passed notes in class and all of those things that kids do.

I don't think that there is a gay man who doesn't feel a bit of rage 
somewhere that we never got to have that carefree pre-sexuality of the 
young.  But the past is what it is; it can never be undone and it cannot
be relived.   The unhappy, isolated boy you were will always be a part of
you.   But (here's the but) that's not all there is to you.  Don't buy 
the psychological line that says that you are simply an extension of your
childhood.  I think you're as much a product of what you thought about five
minutes ago as you are of your childhood.   You cannot undo the love and
acceptance you never had when you were younger, but you can have those things
now.  

Meet a gay person.  Not a lover, yet; I wouldn't recommend having sex until
you are much more comfortable with the idea that sexuality can be a 
joyful addition to your life, not a burden.  But a friend; above all, find 
out that you are not alone by hearing echoes of what you've been through.  
Train yourself to trust other people; slowly, bit by bit, take a risk by 
telling someone something small that you wouldn't have told them before.
Try, just once, having a sexual thought, WHATEVER it is, and simply 
enjoying it.  It will not drive you out of control and it will not hurt
anybody.   Cut words like "burdened" "cursed" "never" "only one in the
world" out of your vocabulary.  They are self-fulfilling prophecies, not 
descriptions.   At least one reader on the internet thinks you're probably
OK.


I'm sorry to have taken this ex cathedra tone; I was just trying to tell you
some of the kinds of things I figured out the hard way.  Like those
god-awful boring 12-step meetings say, "take what you like and leave the 
rest." Write back sometime and let me know how you're doing.

Cheers,

David.