🚀 go-pugleaf

Another sensible person in the world. Surely there must be others...

When Jesus' desciples asked him, "Master, what shall we do?"  He said, 
"Love one another."  So what's to figure out?


In article <464n0v$bm0@er7.rutgers.edu>, dstern@er7.rutgers.edu says...
>
>"Confused,"
>
>I was really moved by your letter.  I'm trying to sort out my thoughts about
>what you wrote, so bear with me while I improvise. 
>
>First of all, I'd like to tell you (and I know that one stranger telling you
>isn't enough) to stop beating yourself up.  You're not a monster, a pervert,
>an alien, too intelligent, too gay, too interested in youth, to be a part of
>the human race.   The main thing that we, as gay people, are taught is that 
>we are the ultimate aliens.  Ask any crew of high-school boys (this survey
>was done once) what the ultimate insult is, the one that will always start
>a fight.  It is, of course, "faggot".  Being smart is another thing that 
>cuts a kid off from the normal crowd.  But as an adult, you recognize that 
>there are many "crowds" out there, with many definitions of normal.  As an 
>adult, you have the power to control where you live and who you associate
>with.  And right now, it sounds like the only person calling you horrible
>names is you.  That is the impulse that you have to fight.  Not your 
>sexuality.
>
>You may be thinking that your self-hatred is the only thing keeping you
>from turning into the dangerous sex-fiend you are so afraid of becoming.
>I don't think it works that way.  It is the people who accept their sexuality,
>for whom it is a comfortable and integrated part of their lives, who can 
>exercise a morality that comes from the heart, not from some kind of self-
>imposed bludgeon.   Is being attracted to a minor evil?  No - let's face it:
>many younger people are sexual and attractive.  There's no magical 
>transformation that happens at midnight on someone's eighteenth birthday to
>give them sexual appeal.  Are you evil for appreciating the beauty and 
>vitality of youth?  I don't think so.
>
>Actions, of course, are something else.  Actually having a sexual
>relationship with a boy would be risky for you and probably bad for him.  
>But I think you know that, and haven't acted on that particular aspect of
>your sexuality.  Have you ever thought that that's a matter for praise,
>not blame?   I think that if you were just a bit kinder to yourself, and that
>includes your sexual feelings, you would be more, not less, assured that you
>will do no harm to another person.
>
>Besides, I have a hunch that what you really want is not to sleep with some
>kid in real life, but to go back in time yourself, and do your own youth over
>again.  Make it come out right this time.  If you knew then what you know 
>now, maybe you could have been proud of who you are; maybe you could have 
>found love, and had a boyfriend, and held hands and gone to the prom and 
>passed notes in class and all of those things that kids do.
>
>I don't think that there is a gay man who doesn't feel a bit of rage 
>somewhere that we never got to have that carefree pre-sexuality of the 
>young.  But the past is what it is; it can never be undone and it cannot
>be relived.   The unhappy, isolated boy you were will always be a part of
>you.   But (here's the but) that's not all there is to you.  Don't buy 
>the psychological line that says that you are simply an extension of your
>childhood.  I think you're as much a product of what you thought about five
>minutes ago as you are of your childhood.   You cannot undo the love and
>acceptance you never had when you were younger, but you can have those things
>now.  
>
>Meet a gay person.  Not a lover, yet; I wouldn't recommend having sex until
>you are much more comfortable with the idea that sexuality can be a 
>joyful addition to your life, not a burden.  But a friend; above all, find 
>out that you are not alone by hearing echoes of what you've been through.  
>Train yourself to trust other people; slowly, bit by bit, take a risk by 
>telling someone something small that you wouldn't have told them before.
>Try, just once, having a sexual thought, WHATEVER it is, and simply 
>enjoying it.  It will not drive you out of control and it will not hurt
>anybody.   Cut words like "burdened" "cursed" "never" "only one in the
>world" out of your vocabulary.  They are self-fulfilling prophecies, not 
>descriptions.   At least one reader on the internet thinks you're probably
>OK.
>
>
>I'm sorry to have taken this ex cathedra tone; I was just trying to tell you
>some of the kinds of things I figured out the hard way.  Like those
>god-awful boring 12-step meetings say, "take what you like and leave the 
>rest." Write back sometime and let me know how you're doing.
>
>Cheers,
>
>David.