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WordPerfect Helpline
********************

           This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless
to say the
           helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the
           WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

           Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support
employee:

           "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
           "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
           "What sort of trouble?"
           "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
           "Went away?"
           "They disappeared."
           "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
           "Nothing."
           "Nothing?"
           "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
           "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
           "How do I tell?"
           "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
           "What's a sea-prompt?"
           "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
           "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything
I type."
           "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
           "What's a monitor?"
           "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a
           little light that tells you when it's on?"
           "I don't know."
           "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord
           goes into it.
           Can you see that?"
           "Yes, I think so."
           "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the
           wall."
           ".......Yes, it is."
           "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two
           cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
           "No."
           "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other
           cable."
           "....... Okay, here it is."
           "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of
           your computer."
           "I can't reach."
           "Well, can you see if it is?"
           "No."
           "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
           "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's
           dark."
           "Dark?"
           "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from
           the window."
           "Well, turn on the office light then."
           "I can't."
           "No? Why not?"
           "Because there's a power failure."
           "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.
            Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your  computer
           came in?"
           "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was
           when you
            got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
           "Really? Is it that bad?"
           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
           "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
           "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."


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