🚀 go-pugleaf

rbwinn wrote:
> On Jul 13, 8:39�pm, "Dogmantic Pyrrhonist (AKA Al)"
> <alwh...@optusnet.com.au> wrote:
>> On Jul 14, 11:21 am, "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>> "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
>>> news:6du4vgF4ctt4U1@mid.individual.net...
>>>> "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
>>>> news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>>>>> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
>>>>> "Gerard Hofnung"
>>>> My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
>>>> first visit to the UK:
>>>> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
>>>> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
>>>> the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
>>>> was once
>>>> called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
>>>> Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
>>>> are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will
>>>> be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
>>>> and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
>>>> and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are
>>>> also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>>>> Habits
>>>> Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
>>>> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
>>>> customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
>>>> siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice
>>>> in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks,
>>>> alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
>>>> are late for supper, simply
>>>> apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
>>>> understand and forgive you.
>>>> Universities
>>>> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
>>>> quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons
>>>> are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small
>>>> knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
>>>> librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
>>>> were, for the rules are unwritten and
>>>> not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
>>>> librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
>>>> practice dating
>>>> back to the reign of Henry VI.
>>>> One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
>>>> Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
>>>> boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
>>>> Many of the boats
>>>> (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
>>>> some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
>>>> professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
>>>> would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
>>>> treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
>>>> idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to
>>>> the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>>>> Food
>>>> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
>>>> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
>>>> the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
>>>> (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
>>>> wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat
>>>> in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
>>>> Majesty's seal, called the
>>>> British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
>>>> your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
>>>> balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
>>>> back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
>>>> waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
>>>> let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
>>>> doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
>>>> steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
>>>> Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
>>>> will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
>>>> plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
>>>> restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>>>> Transportation
>>>> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
>>>> in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
>>>> tries to
>>>> overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab
>>>> the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to
>>>> take a taxi,
>>>> though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
>>>> requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
>>>> gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the
>>>> driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will
>>>> frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go
>>>> to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
>>>> American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>>>> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
>>>> moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.
>>>> It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any
>>>> local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses
>>>> are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's
>>>> a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the
>>>> hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very
>>>> important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
>>>> England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an
>>>> "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
>>>> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
>>>> most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry
>>>> is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
>>>> Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
>>>> escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
>>>> state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the
>>>> platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
>>>> Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
>>>> in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible
>>>> to
>>>> exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
>>>> should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
>>>> ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
>>>> drawback to an
>>>> otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
>>>> locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
>>>> ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>>>> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
>>>> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
>>>> Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
>>>> travellers know, this
>>>> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
>>>> through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
>>>> fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your
>>>> passport, as it will
>>>> expedite things on your return trip.
>>>> Bollocks to your mum!
>>>> ("farewell and good health to your family")
>>> LOL!
>>> According to Jasper Carrot, bollocks are what Americans call zits.
>>> Reminds me of the time when I took a college summer holiday job in a Cornish
>>> hotel.
>>> The hotel employed lots of foreign workers, anxious to learn English.
>>> The bell boy was French and we persuaded him that, like "Good day", "Good
>>> evening", "Good morning", etc., when someone was leaving, it was very polite
>>> to say "Good riddance."
>>> We also persuaded a Spanish chambermaid that the things that are put on beds
>>> are shits, not sheets.
>>> Smiler,
>>> The godless one
>>> a.a.# 2279
>> A bunch of friends and I, when at uni, convinced a girl that the word
>> "gullible" wasn't a real word. �Hearing that come back through
>> completely (well, to us) unrelated people was a good example of how
>> gullible people really are. �And this was all via other university
>> students. �Not particularly retarded people. �(Which is not to say
>> people who can succeed in academia are necessarily smart at anything
>> else.)
>>
> Well, I think it is wonderful that you would confess your sin, Al.
> Confession is the first step in repentance.

No, the first step is delusion. :-)