🚀 go-pugleaf

"Dogmantic Pyrrhonist (AKA Al)" <alwhipp@optusnet.com.au> wrote in message 
news:c53beab3-625f-4b94-9ccf-fe315c8a1d25@c65g2000hsa.googlegroups.com...
On Jul 14, 12:31 am, rbwinn <rbwi...@juno.com> wrote:
> On Jul 13, 3:48?am, "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
>
>
>
> > "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
>
> >news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
> > > All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> > > "Gerard Hofnung"
>
> > My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> > first visit to the UK:
>
> > The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> > "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to 
> > the
> > pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what 
> > was
> > once
> > called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> > Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you 
> > are
> > fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will 
> > be
> > touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, 
> > and if
> > you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and 
> > tossers
> > when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
> > encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> > Habits
> > Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> > Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental 
> > customs,
> > such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta ,
> > which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in 
> > Britain,
> > it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not 
> > work
> > there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for 
> > supper,
> > simply
> > apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> > understand and forgive you.
>
> > Universities
> > University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by 
> > quaint
> > medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
> > expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small 
> > knife
> > for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> > librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> > were, for the rules are unwritten and
> > not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss 
> > the
> > librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> > practice dating
> > back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> > One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or 
> > Cambridge
> > is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, 
> > which
> > you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
> > boats
> > (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> > some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a 
> > professor
> > or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would 
> > like
> > to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
> > vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy 
> > a
> > can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the 
> > yerinals.
> > That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> > Food
> > British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> > gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, 
> > the
> > American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week 
> > (rest
> > assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank 
> > for).
> > Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the 
> > UK.
> > The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
> > seal, called the
> > British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, 
> > tell
> > your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> > balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head 
> > imperiously
> > back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> > waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer 
> > to
> > let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> > doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> > steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 
> > or
> > Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it 
> > will
> > show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan 
> > to
> > dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the 
> > restaurant
> > host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> > Transportation
> > Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride 
> > in
> > London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
> > tries to
> > overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab 
> > the
> > nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to 
> > take a
> > taxi,
> > though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' 
> > requests.
> > Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored
> > coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, 
> > e.g.:
> > "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to
> > have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
> > destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist 
> > (little
> > does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> > Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently 
> > moved
> > to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It 
> > can be
> > reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about 
> > the
> > complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
> > "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
> > confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, 
> > for
> > reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important 
> > to
> > know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> > England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an 
> > "MP"
> > (which stands for "master physician").
>
> > For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the 
> > most
> > economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
> > alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
> > Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators 
> > or on
> > the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
> > musicians. Once on the
> > platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> > Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into 
> > London
> > in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible 
> > to
> > exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you 
> > should
> > grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever 
> > been
> > killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback 
> > to
> > an
> > otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> > locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and 
> > ask
> > one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>
> > One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> > airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> > Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> > travellers know, this
> > little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> > through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, 
> > in
> > fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your 
> > passport,
> > as it will
> > expedite things on your return trip.
>
> > Bollocks to your mum!
> > ("farewell and good health to your family")
>
> The more I learn about Europe, the less I want to go there.
> Robert B. Winn

Yes, some of THEM in Europe are educated.  Wouldn't want to mix with
those types.
==============================================
Correction: MOST of US in Europe are educated.

Smiler,
The godless one
a.a.# 2279