🚀 go-pugleaf

rbwinn wrote:
> On Jul 13, 3:46 pm, The Natural Philosopher <a...@b.c> wrote:
>> rbwinn wrote:
>>> On Jul 13, 3:48�am, "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
>>>> "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
>>>> news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>>>>> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
>>>>> "Gerard Hofnung"
>>>> My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
>>>> first visit to the UK:
>>>> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
>>>> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
>>>> pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
>>>> once
>>>> called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
>>>> Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are
>>>> fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be
>>>> touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
>>>> you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
>>>> when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
>>>> encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>>>> Habits
>>>> Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
>>>> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
>>>> such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta ,
>>>> which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain,
>>>> it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
>>>> there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
>>>> simply
>>>> apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
>>>> understand and forgive you.
>>>> Universities
>>>> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
>>>> medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
>>>> expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife
>>>> for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
>>>> librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
>>>> were, for the rules are unwritten and
>>>> not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
>>>> librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
>>>> practice dating
>>>> back to the reign of Henry VI.
>>>> One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
>>>> is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
>>>> you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
>>>> boats
>>>> (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
>>>> some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor
>>>> or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like
>>>> to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
>>>> vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a
>>>> can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
>>>> That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>>>> Food
>>>> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
>>>> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
>>>> American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
>>>> assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
>>>> Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
>>>> The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
>>>> seal, called the
>>>> British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
>>>> your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
>>>> balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
>>>> back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
>>>> waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
>>>> let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
>>>> doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
>>>> steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
>>>> Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will
>>>> show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
>>>> dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant
>>>> host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>>>> Transportation
>>>> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
>>>> London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
>>>> tries to
>>>> overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the
>>>> nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a
>>>> taxi,
>>>> though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests.
>>>> Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored
>>>> coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
>>>> "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to
>>>> have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
>>>> destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little
>>>> does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>>>> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
>>>> to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be
>>>> reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
>>>> complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
>>>> "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
>>>> confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
>>>> reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
>>>> know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
>>>> England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP"
>>>> (which stands for "master physician").
>>>> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
>>>> economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
>>>> alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
>>>> Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on
>>>> the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
>>>> musicians. Once on the
>>>> platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
>>>> Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
>>>> in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
>>>> exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should
>>>> grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
>>>> killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to
>>>> an
>>>> otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
>>>> locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask
>>>> one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>>>> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
>>>> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
>>>> Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
>>>> travellers know, this
>>>> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
>>>> through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
>>>> fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport,
>>>> as it will
>>>> expedite things on your return trip.
>>>> Bollocks to your mum!
>>>> ("farewell and good health to your family")
>>> The more I learn about Europe, the less I want to go there.
>> Sadly, you haven't learnt anything from te above about Europe at all.
>>
>> Just one sentence gives the game away.
>>
>> The one where he mentions the rising dollar, and a shilling being worth
>> 17 cents.
>>
>> The dollar is falling like a shot duck, but even so a shilling - one
>> twentieth of a pound, is only worth 10 cents.
>>
>> But its hard for you to tell fact from fictoin we know, so best have a
>> glass of milk and a little lie down, eh?
>>
>>
> Well, unlike atheists, I am not interested in the least about money.
> Robert B. Winn

And yet you decided that that text told you something about Europe, and 
money.