🚀 go-pugleaf

On Jul 13, 8:39�pm, "Dogmantic Pyrrhonist (AKA Al)"
<alwh...@optusnet.com.au> wrote:
> On Jul 14, 11:21 am, "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
>
> >news:6du4vgF4ctt4U1@mid.individual.net...
>
> > > "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
> > >news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
> > >> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> > >> "Gerard Hofnung"
>
> > > My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> > > first visit to the UK:
>
> > > The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> > > "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
> > > the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
> > > was once
> > > called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> > > Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
> > > are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will
> > > be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
> > > and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
> > > and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are
> > > also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> > > Habits
> > > Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> > > Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
> > > customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
> > > siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice
> > > in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks,
> > > alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
> > > are late for supper, simply
> > > apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> > > understand and forgive you.
>
> > > Universities
> > > University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
> > > quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons
> > > are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small
> > > knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> > > librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> > > were, for the rules are unwritten and
> > > not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
> > > librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> > > practice dating
> > > back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> > > One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
> > > Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
> > > boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
> > > Many of the boats
> > > (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> > > some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
> > > professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
> > > would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
> > > treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
> > > idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to
> > > the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> > > Food
> > > British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> > > gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
> > > the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
> > > (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
> > > wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat
> > > in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
> > > Majesty's seal, called the
> > > British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
> > > your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> > > balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
> > > back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> > > waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
> > > let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> > > doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> > > steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
> > > Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
> > > will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
> > > plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
> > > restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> > > Transportation
> > > Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
> > > in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
> > > tries to
> > > overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab
> > > the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to
> > > take a taxi,
> > > though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
> > > requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
> > > gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the
> > > driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will
> > > frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go
> > > to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
> > > American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> > > Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
> > > moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.
> > > It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any
> > > local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses
> > > are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's
> > > a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the
> > > hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very
> > > important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> > > England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an
> > > "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
>
> > > For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
> > > most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry
> > > is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
> > > Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
> > > escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
> > > state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the
> > > platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> > > Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
> > > in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible
> > > to
> > > exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
> > > should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
> > > ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
> > > drawback to an
> > > otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> > > locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
> > > ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>
> > > One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> > > airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> > > Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> > > travellers know, this
> > > little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> > > through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
> > > fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your
> > > passport, as it will
> > > expedite things on your return trip.
>
> > > Bollocks to your mum!
> > > ("farewell and good health to your family")
>
> > LOL!
>
> > According to Jasper Carrot, bollocks are what Americans call zits.
>
> > Reminds me of the time when I took a college summer holiday job in a Cornish
> > hotel.
> > The hotel employed lots of foreign workers, anxious to learn English.
> > The bell boy was French and we persuaded him that, like "Good day", "Good
> > evening", "Good morning", etc., when someone was leaving, it was very polite
> > to say "Good riddance."
> > We also persuaded a Spanish chambermaid that the things that are put on beds
> > are shits, not sheets.
>
> > Smiler,
> > The godless one
> > a.a.# 2279
>
> A bunch of friends and I, when at uni, convinced a girl that the word
> "gullible" wasn't a real word. �Hearing that come back through
> completely (well, to us) unrelated people was a good example of how
> gullible people really are. �And this was all via other university
> students. �Not particularly retarded people. �(Which is not to say
> people who can succeed in academia are necessarily smart at anything
> else.)
>
Well, I think it is wonderful that you would confess your sin, Al.
Confession is the first step in repentance.
Robert B. Winn