🚀 go-pugleaf

On Jul 13, 3:48�am, "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
> "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
>
> news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
>
>
> > All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> > "Gerard Hofnung"
>
> My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> first visit to the UK:
>
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
> pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
> once
> called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are
> fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be
> touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
> you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
> when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
> encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> Habits
> Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
> such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta ,
> which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain,
> it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
> there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
> simply
> apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> understand and forgive you.
>
> Universities
> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
> medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
> expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife
> for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> were, for the rules are unwritten and
> not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
> librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> practice dating
> back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
> is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
> you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
> boats
> (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor
> or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like
> to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
> vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a
> can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
> That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> Food
> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
> American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
> assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
> Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
> The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
> seal, called the
> British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
> your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
> back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
> let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
> Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will
> show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
> dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant
> host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> Transportation
> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
> London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
> tries to
> overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the
> nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a
> taxi,
> though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests.
> Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored
> coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
> "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to
> have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
> destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little
> does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
> to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be
> reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
> complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
> "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
> confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
> reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
> know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP"
> (which stands for "master physician").
>
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
> economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
> alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
> Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on
> the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
> musicians. Once on the
> platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
> in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
> exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should
> grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
> killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to
> an
> otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask
> one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> travellers know, this
> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
> fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport,
> as it will
> expedite things on your return trip.
>
> Bollocks to your mum!
> ("farewell and good health to your family")

The more I learn about Europe, the less I want to go there.
Robert B. Winn