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"Smiler" <Smiler@Joe.King.com> wrote in message 
news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...


>
> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> "Gerard Hofnung"

My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their 
first visit to the UK:

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as 
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the 
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was 
once
called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. 
Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are 
fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be 
touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if 
you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers 
when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also 
encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with 
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, 
such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , 
which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, 
it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work 
there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, 
simply
apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will 
understand and forgive you.

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint 
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are 
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife 
for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the 
librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it 
were, for the rules are unwritten and
not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the 
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a 
practice dating
back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge 
is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which 
you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the 
boats
(called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are 
some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor 
or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like 
to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with 
vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a 
can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. 
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime 
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the 
American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest 
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). 
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. 
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's 
seal, called the
British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell 
your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he 
balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously 
back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the 
waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to 
let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he 
doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the 
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or 
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will 
show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to 
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant 
host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in 
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver 
tries to
overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the 
nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a 
taxi,
though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. 
Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored 
coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: 
"Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to 
have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested 
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little 
does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved 
to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be 
reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the 
complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called 
"prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little 
confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for 
reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to 
know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" 
(which stands for "master physician").

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most 
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is 
alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. 
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on 
the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube 
musicians. Once on the
platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large 
Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London 
in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should 
grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been 
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to 
an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty 
locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask 
one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow 
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international 
Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy 
travellers know, this
little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way 
through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in 
fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, 
as it will
expedite things on your return trip.

Bollocks to your mum!
("farewell and good health to your family")