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   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 160)
   June 21, 2004
   No Collaborative Relationship Edition

   Just in case you've been high on crack for the last year-and-a-half,
   here's a shocking news flash, courtesy of the 9/11 Commission: There
   was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, despite what the Bush
   Administration (1) has been claiming. But don't worry, Dick Cheney (2)
   has a very convincing argument in their defense... er, probably. But
   Dick's not the only person spinning this week! Move America Forward
   (4) is trying to explain away "Fahrenheit 9/11," Citizens United (8)
   is engaging in some good old fashioned Clinton-bashing, and Ken
   Mehlman (9) is just making stuff up. 


   1 The Bush Administration lying covering your ass
   The 9/11 report was finally released last week, and one of its most
   interesting revelations is something people who haven't been watching
   Fox News have known all along - there was no "collaborative
   relationship" between Iraq and al-Qaeda. But Our Great Leader
   immediately hit back: despite the fact that Osama bin Laden has in the
   past called Saddam Hussein an "infidel," Bush said last week, "There
   was a relationship between Iraq and al-Qaeda." Uh, never mind the
   conclusions of that bipartisan commission which has been studying the
   issue day in and day out for the last year - pay attention to The Man
   You Can Trust, George W. Bush. He also said, "This Administration
   never said that the 9/11 attacks were orchestrated between Saddam and
   al-Qaeda." But on May 1, 2003 he did say, "The battle of Iraq is one
   victory in a war on terror that began on September 11th, 2001, and
   still goes on." And according to the Christian Science Monitor, in a
   March 2003 press conference "which focused almost solely on Iraq,
   President Bush mentioned Sept. 11 eight times." And in February 2003,
   Colin Powell did say, "We've learned that Iraq has trained al-Qaeda
   members in bomb-making and poisons and deadly gases. And we know that
   after September 11, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the
   terrorist attacks on America." And in September 2003, Dick Cheney did
   say that Iraq was "the geographic base of the terrorists who have had
   us under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11."
   And... well, you get the picture.

   2 Dick Cheney excessive spin excessive spin covering your ass
   Not only is the Bush administration still asserting a link between
   Iraq and al Qaeda, but Dick Cheney announced last week that he
   "probably" has information which the 9/11 Commission didn't see. In an
   interview on CNBC, Cheney continued to refute the Commission's
   findings and repeated the debunked story that Mohammed Atta had met
   with an Iraqi intelligence agent in 2000. Later, the Commission's
   Republican chairman, Thomas Kean, said, "It sounds like the White
   House has evidence that we didn't have. I would like to see the
   evidence that Mr. Cheney is talking about." The Democratic vice
   chairman, Lee Hamilton, said, he would be "very disappointed" if the
   White House had withheld information from the Commission. So the
   question remains - if Cheney is so sure that al Qaeda was working with
   Iraq because he "probably" has information that the 9/11 Commission
   doesn't, why didn't he give that information to the Commission? After
   all, surely the vice president of the United States wouldn't want to
   sit on information which could assist the people investigating the
   worst terrorist attack in history. Especially if that information
   proved beyond all doubt that the administration had a good reason for
   going to war with Iraq. Oh - wait a minute. He's just making it up,
   isn't he.

   3 The Bush Administration lying excessive spin
   So no weapons of destruction have been found, and now we learn that
   there's no connection between 9/11 and Iraq. Seeing his justifications
   for invasion disappearing before his eyes, Our Great Leader has
   started grasping at straws. The latest boogeyman in Bush's closet is
   Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, the terrorist who apparently beheaded Nick Berg
   and has been behind some of the post-invasion bombings in Iraq.
   al-Zarqawi is Bush's last best hope to claim that Iraq and al-Qaeda
   were in cahoots, despite the fact that there is no evidence to prove
   that al-Zarqawi had anything to do with Saddam Hussein. Not only that,
   but last week Donald Rumsfeld even went so far as to say that
   al-Zarqawi "may very well not have sworn allegiance to UBL," and,
   "Now, therefore, someone could legitimately say he's not al-Qaeda." So
   let me get this straight - al-Zarqawi is not connected to al-Qaeda or
   Saddam Hussein, and this is their proof that there's a link between
   al-Qaeda and Iraq? Bizarre. I mean, al-Zarqawi is clearly a dangerous,
   murderous bastard, but perhaps the administration should have thought
   of that before they turned down the opportunity to capture him THREE
   TIMES. Unless they thought they might need him if they ever had to
   come up with a bogus link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, of course.

   4 Move America Forward dumb partisanship excessive spin
   What's the best way to take America forward? Why, by preventing people
   from seeing Michael Moore's new movie, dummy! Because you see, some
   people's idea of the best way to "Move America Forward" is for
   everyone to bury their heads in the sand and repeat to themselves
   "Bush is perfect. America never makes a mistake." Actually Move
   America Forward is a new "non-partisan" group (made up entirely of
   conservative Bush supporters) who are attempting to prevent movie
   theaters across the country from screening "Fahrenheit 9/11" (tickets
   available now). Executive Directory Siobhan Guiney (a former
   Republican lobbyist) said, "(Moore) is critical of what's happening
   right now, and there's no problem with being critical - but his movie
   is not a documentary, it's a piece of propaganda." Guiney's dire
   warning to beware of propaganda was of course dutifully broadcast
   across the nation 24 hours a day last week by conservative talk radio.
   I dunno, perhaps they should rename their group Move America Forward
   At A Steady Jog Towards The Edge Of A Cliff With Our Fingers In Our
   Ears And Our Eyes Closed. Yep, sounds about right.

   5 Bill Kristol hypocrisy hypocrisy
   Rounding off the recent orgy of Reagan hypocrisy, Bill Kristol had
   this to say on Fox News back in October of 2002: "Look, Paul Wellstone
   was a very political guy, and I suspect he would have liked his own
   memorial service, if I can put it that way. And the fact it was a
   little over the top, and some of us maybe found it a little
   distasteful and a little too partisan... There's a big tradition on
   the left of turning funeral services into political rallies. If you go
   back and look at the early days of the, you know, Socialist Party
   here, and of course, abroad, as well..." Hmmm. And here's what he had
   to say on Fox News Sunday last weekend: "I think [Ronald Reagan] could
   have an impact if the Bush campaign has the nerve to make it have an
   impact... No one wants to politicize the death of a recent president.
   But you know what? The Bush campaign should. And they should, in my
   view, they should go up with an ad next week..." What a jackass.

   6 Cristina V. Beato lying
   Here's an interesting story from two weeks ago that got brushed aside
   in the wake of the Reagasm: it appears that "The physician nominated
   nearly a year ago to the nation's top-ranking health policy post has
   yet to receive a Senate hearing - and may not be considered for
   confirmation - amid questions about whether she fabricated or inflated
   portions of her risumi," according to the Washington Post. Cristina V.
   Beato was nominated last July, but according to the Post, "officials
   said they could find no evidence of her service" at several
   institutions listed on her risumi," while "former colleagues at the
   University of New Mexico and an affiliated hospital in Albuquerque
   disputed assertions she made, saying at a minimum she had puffed up
   her role in several projects." Yes, Bush's nomination for the post
   assistant secretary of health in the Department of Health and Human
   Services appears to be a liar and a cheat. They should give her the
   job - she'd be a perfect fit for this administration.

   7 George W. Bush fiscal irresponsibility
   If you need any more proof of Bush's inability to manage the nation's
   finances, check out what he's doing to his campaign. According to the
   Associated Press, Bush has spent "seven of every $10 he has raised for
   his re-election" so far, and is now hitting his supporters up for more
   money. Despite raising at least $218 million so far - blowing away the
   previous fundraising record - Bush is spending himself into the ground
   for very little gain. And now he's sending emails to his supporters
   whining about how Kerry "has certainly got his liberal allies all
   stirred up to attack me." Awwww. Poor George. Oh well, perhaps if the
   last four years haven't proven beyond all doubt that Bush's talent for
   running companies into the ground extends to his presidency, at least
   his supporters might now start wondering what they're getting for all
   their vanishing cash.

   8 Citizens United Clinton hating Clinton hating Clinton hating
   Bill Clinton has been out of office for nearly four years, but
   conservative Clinton-haters just can't move on. In anticipation of
   this week's release of Clinton's book, My Life, Citizens United
   unveiled a new attack ad called "My Fault." (Funny, huh?) Since things
   aren't going so well now that their own guy is in charge, desperate
   conservatives are trying to deflect the blame using the only trick
   they know: bashing Clinton. But listen closely to the ad (if you can
   stand to waste 30 seconds of your life on this trash) and you'll
   notice something interesting: They don't actually say anything about
   Clinton's record on terrorism, and instead just ask "What did Clinton
   do?" Presumably they asked themselves that question, and decided it
   would be better for them if they don't actually answer it. I suppose
   we could give them credit that they didn't resort to outright lying,
   for once.

   9 Ken Mehlman excessive spin
   Last week we noted that the Bush administration spent the past several
   months bragging about a reduction in world terrorism, before one of
   their own reports conclusively proved them wrong. This week, the
   Bushies are at it again. In the wake of John Kerry's recent criticism
   of Our Great Leader's Great Economic Toilet Flush, Bush campaign
   manager Ken Mehlman released a written statement saying, "[John]
   Kerry's political attacks are not supported by reality, which shows
   rising employment and higher wages." Not so fast! Preliminary data
   revealed last week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S.
   Department of Labor, indicates that "Real average weekly earnings
   decreased by 0.4 percent from April to May after seasonal adjustment."
   So... Ken Mehlman is just making shit up. Sounds like the ideal guy to
   run Bush's campaign.

   10 George W. Bush hypocrisy photo-opping
   And finally, much has been made of John Kerry's alleged $1000 haircut,
   but whether it's true or not, at least he paid for it himself. That's
   not the policy of George W. Bush, who, it was revealed last week, had
   a $100,000 platform erected for his entry into a U.S. military
   cemetery during his recent visit to France. That platform will of
   course be paid for by the U.S. taxpayer, all because Our Great Leader
   wanted to "walk in style" to a memorial ceremony. I should probably
   mention that Team Bush also had several rows of bleachers torn down
   because they weren't "esthetically pleasing," thus preventing several
   thousand spectators from attending the event. Always there for the
   common man, that's our George. See you next week!


   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
          http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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   "It's much harder to be a Liberal than a conservative.  Why?
    Because it is easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand." 
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