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   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 148)
   March 22, 2004
   Wrong Answer, Do It Again Edition

   Welcome once again to the wonderful world of conservative idiocy. This
   week we have a whole stableful of asses, beginning with George W. Bush
   (1) and Donald Rumsfeld (2,3) who have been firmly leading us away
   from the war on terror. But they're not just misleading everyone on
   foreign policy - Team Bush (4) and the Bush Administration (10) are
   doing a fine job of keeping the blinders on at home too. Elsewhere,
   Dennis Hastert and Henry Hyde (5) and Paul Wolfowitz (6) are showing
   us what they really think about democracy, Rhea County, Tennessee,
   Commissioners (7) want to ban gays, and traditional marriage is coming
   under attack from, um, the Christian Coalition (8). Enjoy...


   1 George W. Bush warmongering warmongering warmongering
   If you need any more evidence that the Bush Administration was looking
   for any excuse to go to war against Iraq, here it is. Appearing on the
   CBS News program "60 minutes," Richard Clarke, the former top
   anti-terrorism advisor to George W. Bush, said that on September 11,
   2001, "The president dragged me into a room with a couple of other
   people, shut the door, and said, 'I want you to find whether Iraq did
   this.'" After Clarke explained that the government had already looked
   into it and found no conection to Iraq, Dubya responded (as only Dubya
   could), "Iraq! Saddam! Find out if there's a connection." Clarke got
   the very clear impression that Bush was trying to intimdiate Clarke
   into giving the answer which Bush wanted to hear. So, the FBI and the
   CIA got together and wrote a report which basically stated that Iraq
   was not involved in the 9/11 attacks. When it was sent to the National
   Security Advisor, Clarke says that the report "got bounced and sent
   back saying, 'Wrong answer. ... Do it again.'" Of course, this
   revelation should come as no surprise to any non-biased observer with
   an ounce of sense. Anyone can see that Bush would have given his left
   testicle for an excuse to attack Iraq. 3,000 Americans were killed in
   cold blood, and this sick bastard uses it as an opportunity to settle
   a score for his daddy, using totally fabricated evidence. Disgusting.

   2 Donald Rumsfeld warmongering warmongering warmongering
   But of course, Bush wasn't the only person responsible for this
   disaster. The "60 minutes" interview with Richard Clarke showed that
   Donald Rumsfeld was probably even more jazzed about attacking Iraq
   than his boss was. According to Clarke, on the day after 9/11 Rumsfeld
   was arguing that the U.S. needed to attack Iraq. The intelligence
   community, of course, explained that al Qaeda was in Afghanistan, not
   Iraq. To which Rumsfeld responded with perhaps the single most idiotic
   justification ever for attacking another country: He said that there
   weren't any good targets in Afghanistan, but there are lots of good
   targets in Iraq. What the hell? So now the United States of America
   invades other countries because they've got lots of good targets?
   These people are sick, sick, sick!

   3 Donald Rumsfeld (again) lying lying hypocrisy
   Fortunately, Don ended up looking quite the ass last week when
   MoveOn.org released a video of his lying, hypocritical performance on
   Face The Nation. See, for a while now the Bushies have been trying to
   push the idea that nobody used the phrase "immediate threat" in
   reference to Iraq - and they seem to have started believing their own
   lies. Said Rumsfeld on FTN: "You and a few other critics are the only
   people I've heard use the phrase 'immediate threat.' I didn't... and
   it's become kind of folklore that that's what happened." Oh really?
   Team Bush seems to specialize in folklore and rewriting history - but
   FTN host Bob Schieffer called them on it this time, reading a direct
   quote from Rumsfeld himself, made on September 18, 2002: "Some have
   argued that the nuclear threat from Iraq is not imminent, that Saddam
   is at least five to seven years away from having nuclear weapons. I
   would not be so sure." Responded Rumsfeld, "Well, I've tried to be
   precise and I've tried to be accurate..." Yeah, right. Obviously you
   haven't been trying very hard, Don. But if that quote wasn't quite
   incriminating enough, Bob Schieffer immediately presented Rumsfeld
   with more of his own words, also from September 18, 2002: "No terror
   state poses a greater or more immediate threat to the security of our
   people and the stability of the world than the regime of Saddam
   Hussein." For a good laugh (followed, unfortunately, by a sinking
   feeling of utter disgust at the brazen lies of the Bush
   administration) check out the video. The look on Rumsfeld's face is
   priceless.

   4 Team Bush hypocrisy
   We all know how much George W. Bush wants to spread democracy around
   the world. Unless of course it's a "bad democracy" like Haiti, or a
   "good dictatorship" like Pakistan, or Saudi Arabia. But believe it or
   not, it seems that Bush also believes in turning a blind eye to
   democracy if it means he can get a good deal on some cheap sweaters.
   Back in July of 2003, Bush signed a bill and issued an executive order
   which would ban the import of products from Myanmar, aka Burma, in
   order to punish the country's military leadership for cracking down on
   pro-democracy movements. "By denying these rulers the hard currency
   they use to fund their repression, we are providing strong incentives
   for democratic change and human rights in Burma," said Bush. Oh yeah?
   It was discovered last week that Our Great Leader has been flogging
   campaign clothing on his website with a rather revealing tag attached
   - "Made in Myanmar." But as usual, the Responsibility President has
   placed the blame squarely on someone else, this time the company that
   shipped the pullovers, Spalding Group of Louisville, Kentucky. I mean,
   come on. Clearly, it was not the Bush campaign's fault. How were they
   to know that they were selling illegally imported "Bush-Cheney '04"
   clothing thus propping up a freedom-hating dictatorship? Well, yes,
   okay. They could have read the labels.

   5 Dennis Hastert and Henry Hyde excessive spin excessive spin
   It looks like Spain has also joined the list of bad democracies
   following their general election two days after a series of terrorist
   bombings which killed more than 200 people in Madrid. The Spanish
   people chose to oust prime minster (and friend of Bush) Josi Marma
   Aznar, and that did not sit well with some U.S. lawmakers. "Here's a
   country who stood against terrorism and had a huge terrorist act
   within their country, and they chose to change their government and
   to, in a sense, appease terrorists," said House Speaker Dennis
   Hastert. "The vote in Spain was a great victory for al-Qaida," said
   Rep. Henry Hyde. What bullshit. The bombings in Spain were a great
   victory for al-Qaida, the election that followed was a victory for the
   Spanish people. Tossing around the suggestion that an entire nation
   are terrorist appeasers because they exercised their democratic rights
   is throroughly irresponsible - and Hastert and Hyde appear to have
   overlooked the staggeringly obvious conclusion that the Spanish
   electorate chose to get rid of the government which failed to protect
   them from terrorists. Why on earth would they want to re-elect the
   government which brought al-Qaida to their doorsteps? Josi Marma Aznar
   said that he would protect the Spanish people by dancing to the Bush
   administration's tune - and he failed spectacularly. Perhaps the new
   government will do a better job of stopping the killing.

   6 Paul Wolfowitz dumb
   But when it comes to Spain, Hastert and Hyde aren't the only
   conservatives putting their feet in their mouths - Paul Wolfowitz has
   been toeing the party line with equally disastrous results. Wolfowitz
   also thinks that the recent election in Spain is a sign that the
   Spanish people are in league with al-Qaida, but instead of sneering at
   their democratic process, he decided to try flattery instead: "The
   Spaniards are courageous people. I mean, we know it from their whole
   culture of bullfighting," said he during an interview with PBS last
   week. Way to stereotype an entire nation, Paul. "This is an ignorant
   comment," remarked Madrid firefighter Juan Carlos Yunquera. "For a top
   official, it shows he doesn't know what he's talking about." Said
   bartender Oliver Iglesias, "We are indeed very brave. But no one here
   likes the war in Iraq. And there's a big difference between killing a
   bull and killing a person." You know, I'm so glad that Bush has
   surrounded himself with highly accomplished foreign policy experts
   like Paul Wolfowitz. Their experience and class just comes shining
   through.

   7 Rhea County, Tennessee, Commissioners homophobia homophobia
   Do you ever wonder what happened to that county where they held the
   Scopes "Monkey Trial" back in 1925 to outlaw teaching evolution in
   schools? Me neither. But nearly 80 years later they're back in the
   news, and this time they're trying to outlaw gay people. You heard me
   right. The county commissioners of Rhea County, Tennessee, voted 8-0
   last week in favor of charging gays and lesbians with crimes against
   nature. They also asked the county attorney to find a way to ban
   homosexuals from living in their county. According to commissioner
   J.C. Fugate, "We need to keep them out of here." Somehow, I have a
   feeling that there won't be many gays moving to Rhea county any time
   soon, but that's just a hunch. After a "wildfire" reaction against the
   measure, the county commision overturned their decision two days
   later. Attorney Gary Fritts explained "There has just been so much
   misunderstanding about this. It was to stop people from coming here
   and getting married and living in Rhea County." Actually, I don't
   think there was any misunderstanding at all.

   8 Tracy Ammons and Michele Combs hypocrisy religious nut
   Traditional marriage is under attack! But this time, it's by
   high-ranking officials in the Christian Coalition. Oh, the irony!
   Tracy Ammons, the former Senate lobbyist and outreach coordinator of
   the Christian Coalition of America, and Michele Combs, the
   organization's vice president for communications, are getting a
   divorce - and it's a nasty one. Combs has filed hardball civil claims
   against her husband Ammon unless Ammon will give up custody of their 3
   1/2-year-old child. (Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the
   Christian Coalition have something to say about kids needing two
   parents?) Combs also hired a private investigator to entrap Ammons in
   an infidelity sting. Meanwhile, Ammons has refused to pay $36,000 in
   support and legal fees to Combs, and was briefly put in jail. To top
   it all off, Combs' divorce is being bankrolled by Roberta Combs, the
   president of the Christian Coalition. And these are the people who are
   telling the rest of us who we can and cannot marry. I'm guessing that
   they blame the sucky state of their own marriages on all the loving,
   committed gay couples out there who want equal rights.

   9 Republican Lawmakers hypocrisy anti-choice
   Oh the hypocrisy. According to the Los Angeles Times thirteen
   Republican members of Congress have written to Supreme Court Justice
   Ruth Bader Ginsburg asking her to recuse herself from any cases
   involving abortion. Why? Because she is taking part in the Ruth Bader
   Ginsburg Distinguished Lecture Series, which is co-sponsored by the
   NOW legal defense fund, which sometimes files legal briefs before the
   Supreme Court. "As legislators, we believe your actions call into
   question your ability to rule with impartiality on any case involving
   abortion," said the letter. So let me get this straight - Ruth Bader
   Ginsburg should recuse herself from all abortion cases brought before
   the high court because she's going to give a few speeches which are
   being co-sponsored by the National Organization of Women, but Antonin
   "Quack Quack" Scalia can go on a quiet, private hunting trip with Dick
   Cheney before he hears a case which could directly affect Cheney's
   political future (see Idiots passim) - and that's perfectly okay? What
   rubbish.

   10 The Bush Administration lying partisanship
   And finally, here's another one for the "they'll do anything to win
   the election" file. We noted last week that Bush's top man on Medicare
   was warned he would be fired if he revealed how much the recently
   passed White House-backed Medicare bill would really cost - it turned
   out that the Bush administration knew all along that the bill would
   cost up to $150 billion more than lawmakers thought it would, but they
   kept quiet until the bill was passed. Anyway, it was revealed last
   week that the Bush administration recently produced a series of phony
   news reports lauding the bill, which were distributed to news stations
   who broadcast them as if they were real. Yup, the "honesty and
   integrity" administration used taxpayer money to create these "video
   news releases" which come complete with shots of Bush getting a
   standing ovation before signing the Medicare bill, "interviews" with
   HHS Tommy Thompson (reading off cue cards), a fake pharmacist agreeing
   with a fake customer that the new law sounds like a "very good idea,"
   and paid actors playing the part of journalists. TV stations in
   several states then broadcast the segments as part of their regular
   news programming, their viewers completely unaware that they were
   watching government-produced propaganda. Mind you, what better way for
   a phony president to promote a phony bill than with a series of phony
   news reports? I guess 1984 was a good year for Republicans. 
 
   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
       http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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                Medals earned by Kerry: 3 Purple Hearts
                                        1 Silver Star
                                        1 Bronze Star
                Medals earned by Bush : 0
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                  Bush -    3 arrests, 1 conviction.
                  Cheney -  2 arrests, 2 convictions.
                  Clinton - 0 arrests, 0 convictions.
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