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                  http://www.jason-king.co.uk

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When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk
about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your
balls.

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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the
elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a
week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup!  Monday, almost.  Tuesday, almost.  Wednesday,............"

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU
B@ST@RD!!!!"

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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17.  Every hand went up.  The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now proceed with my
sermon on the sin of lying."

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A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and 
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. 
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him
as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the 
son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar 
and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. 

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all 
the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his 
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! 
A torso pops out! 

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, 
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take 
another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. 

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and 
wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another 
drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is 
getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink 
and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. 

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully 
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the 
left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. 

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs 
and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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A fellow was siting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in
and sat next to him. After starting talking and a few drinks
together, the fellow says to her : " How about playing the Magician
Game ?" " And what would that be ?" " We go to my place, have a few
drinks, get into bed, have sex and than you...

....disappear".

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Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man
finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his
hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels
before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated
from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said:
"I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our
hands."

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An elderly gentlemen went to the doctor for a physical. After examining
the man, the doctor said "I think you are alright, but just the same
before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen
sample." The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and
said "What did the doctor say?"
His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!"

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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed
a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of
feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer
appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

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This guy walks into a bar.  He walks up to the bartender and asks for a 
rum and coke.

The bartender puts an apple on the table...the guy looks at it and
repeats..I said I want a rum and coke.
The bartender says just try the apple.
So the guy bites into the apple...and replies, wow this taste like rum.
The bartender tells him to turn it around...he bites in again and replies,
wow it taste like coke.

A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a
gin and tonic.
The bartender puts an apple on the table...this guy just as confused as the
first explains he wants a gin and tonic.
The guy next to him urges him to try it.
So the guy bites into it...wow it taste like gin.
The guy tells him to turn it around...he bites in it again...wow it taste
like tonic.

Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar. The
guys are so excited about these apples that they tell this guy that the
bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want.
So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy.
The bartender puts the apple on the table.....the guy bites into it and
says...this taste like SH@T!!!
The bartender replies...turn it around!

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