🚀 go-pugleaf

On 13 Jun 2004 22:32:05 -0600, anon5c6c@nyx.nyx.net (Name withheld by request) wrote:

OFF-TOPIC IN GENERAL NEWSGROUPS.

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>
>   The Ronald Reagan Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 159)
>   June 14, 2004
>   Multiple Reagasm Edition
>
>   In honor of the Gipper's passing we have decided to rename this week's
>   Top Ten Conservative Idiots, "The Ronald Reagan Top Ten Conservative
>   Idiots." And now on with the show. In the number one slot we have
>   George W. Reagan (1) - I mean, George W. Bush - who is trying to
>   attach himself to the legacy of Ronald Reagan in much the same way a
>   horny cocker spaniel tries to attach itself to your pantleg. He's got
>   some competition though in the form of The Ronathon (2), a loose-knit
>   group of individuals with a common goal: brown-nosing the Gipper. But
>   it's not all Reagan this week - the Bush Administration (3) is in
>   trouble over torture, the State Department (4) is in trouble over
>   terrorism, and the Pentagon (7) is in trouble over Iraq. Closing out
>   the list, George W. Bush (9) went to the G8 summit (picture gallery!),
>   and Jonathan Cunningham (10) sells his wife's underpants. 
>
>   1 George W. Reagan pandering excessive spin hypocrisy
>   And so at long last, George W. Bush has found a flag-draped coffin he
>   doesn't mind standing next to. In fact, Our Great Leader was
>   practically clambering into Reagan's casket last week in a vain effort
>   to get some of that Gipper Goodness to rub off on him. Team Bush
>   replaced their campaign website's home page with a tribute to the
>   ex-president, and when I say "tribute," I of course mean a desperate
>   attempt to confuse people into believing that Little George is the
>   second coming of Saint Ronnie. Fat chance. Somehow I don't think we're
>   going to be seeing Bush referred to in the history books as "The Great
>   Communicator." (Note: the Bush campaign has taken down their tribute,
>   but you can see it here.) Meanwhile, the Misadministration were out in
>   force spreading the word. Colin Powell said "I think there's a
>   similarity," between Bush and Reagan, Martin Anderson (chief domestic
>   adviser in the Reagan White House) said "everything Bush talks about
>   was something Ronald Reagan had tried to do," (what, Reagan wanted to
>   invade Iraq? I thought he was selling Saddam weapons) and don't be
>   surprised if all we hear from now till November is exhortations to
>   "win one for the Gipper" by voting for Bush. Not that the Republicans
>   would ever consider playing politics with Reagan's death, of course.
>   But for all these wonderful comparisons, perhaps we should heed the
>   words of someone who knew Ronald Reagan better than most - his son,
>   Ron Jr. What's Ron's opinion? "My father crapped bigger ones than
>   George Bush." Case closed.
>
>   2 The Ronathon excessive spin partisanship dumb
>   So what's it to be? How are we going to immortalize Ronnie, and what's
>   the most inappropriate way of doing it? Yes, the Ronathon was in full
>   effect last week as right-wingers competed to demonstrate how far they
>   could get their noses up Dutch's backside. Sen. Mitch McConnell of
>   Kentucky wants to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill, Rep.
>   Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif) wants Reagan on the $20, and Rep. Jeff
>   Miller (R-Fla.) prefers to replace John F. Kennedy on the 50-cent
>   piece. Meanwhile Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has suggested
>   renaming the Pentagon to "the Ronald Reagan National Defense
>   Building." (Seriously.) Some in Congress are even trying to get the
>   25-year waiting period removed so they can place a memorial on the
>   National Mall. But why stop at the National Mall? Grover Norquist and
>   the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project want to put a monument to the Gipper
>   in every county in the United States (there's more than 3000 of them).
>   I hope they're paying for it. And let's not forget putting Ronnie's
>   head on Mount Rushmore, of course, which is a very popular suggestion.
>   Tell you what, why don't we rename the Statue of Liberty after him -
>   or better still, replace Lady Liberty's head with Ronald's, complete
>   with cowboy hat? Or we could carefully set massive forest fires in the
>   west which when viewed from space form a majestic flaming image of his
>   smiling face. We could call it the Ronald Reagan Tree Is A Tree Clean
>   Air Monument. Because you know, I bet that's what Ronald Reagan would
>   have wanted.
>
>   3 The Bush Administration unconstitutional just plain evil
>   John Ashcroft was in hot water last week when he potentially placed
>   himself in contempt of Congress by refusing to release a January 2002
>   memo which says that George W. Bush is above the law and can torture
>   whomever he damn well pleases. "I believe it is essential to the
>   operation of the executive branch that the president have the
>   opportunity to get information from the attorney general that is
>   confidential," said Ashcroft. But he didn't invoke executive
>   privilege, so he was basically saying, "oh, and by the way, I'm above
>   the law too." The memo itself was 56 pages long, and according to
>   Reuters said that George W. Bush had "'complete authority over the
>   conduct of war,' overriding international treaties such as a global
>   treaty banning torture, the Geneva Conventions and a U.S. federal law
>   against torture." That's right folks - Our Great Leader doesn't need
>   to abide by such petty out-dated concepts as "the law" because he's
>   defending our freedoms. Never mind the fact that authorizing torture
>   places George W. Bush in the same league as Augusto Pinochet. Because
>   don't forget - even though we're doing the same things the evil-doers
>   are doing, we know that it's wrong, and that makes us better than
>   them. Um, or something. And anyway, I bet it's what Ronald Reagan
>   would have wanted.
>
>   4 The State Department helping the terrorists dumb
>   Mind you, all this torture must be working because according to a
>   State Department report, terrorist attacks have drastically declined
>   in the last two years. All hail George W. Bush, Inconveniencer of
>   Terrorists! Mind you, in order to actually believe that terrorist
>   attacks have drastically declined, you'd also have to believe that the
>   State Department's report is accurate, and if you believe that then -
>   ha ha! - sucker! Yes, the Associated Press revealed last week that the
>   State Department was "wrong in reporting terrorism declined worldwide
>   last year... Instead, both the number of incidents and the toll in
>   victims increased sharply, the department said." Wow! Incredible...
>   they released a report claiming that terrorism had decreased sharply,
>   and in fact it had increased sharply! Impressive. So Team Bush are
>   running around trying to claim that John Kerry would be "weak on
>   terrorism." Yet the Bush Administration is proven to be weak on
>   terrorism, but doesn't even know it because the State Department's
>   reports are wrong. I'm so glad the grown-ups are in charge. Colin
>   Powell had a good explanation though, saying, "Errors crept in that
>   frankly we did not catch." Oh, well that should make everyone feel
>   much better.
>
>   5 Dick Cheney hypocrisy hypocrisy
>   While we're on the subject of lies being told about John Kerry (refer
>   to Idiots 151 for previous Crashcart campaign hypocrisy), check this
>   out - it seems that Dick Cheney wasn't as big an admirer of Ronald
>   Reagan as he pretended to be at last week's state funeral. See, when
>   Cheney was a congressman back in the 1980s, he criticized Reagan for
>   "tolerating a decision-making process in the upper reaches of the
>   Administration that lacked integrity and accountability." Cheney also
>   said that if Reagan "doesn't really cut defense, he becomes the No. 1
>   special pleader in town," and that "you've got to hit defense." But
>   wait a second - I thought that cutting defense spending is bad - at
>   least, Team Bush is constantly criticizing John Kerry for it. Well
>   that's the funny part - see, actually it turns out that when Cheney
>   was George H. W. Bush's secretary of defense, he did everything he
>   could to cut defense spending - and bragged about it. In fact,
>   according to the San Diego Union-Tribune, he "presided over the
>   biggest cutbacks in defense programs in modern history." Yup, Dick
>   actively took part in "downsizing" Reagan's legacy. Who'da thunk it?
>
>   6 George W. Bush fiscal irresponsibility
>   It's a shame that Ronnie's demise is keeping news from Iraq off the
>   front page at the moment though, because things are looking up over
>   there. For example, while Americans are paying record prices for
>   gasoline, Iraqis are only paying five cents a gallon! Yes, all thanks
>   to "hundreds of millions of dollars subsidies bankrolled by American
>   taxpayers," according to the Associated Press. That's right, a
>   three-month supply of gas for the Iraqi people costs America half a
>   billion dollars. Gee, I hope nobody said before the invasion that the
>   occupation of Iraq would pay for itself. That would make them look
>   pretty stupid now. Anyway, I guess there is one way George W. Bush is
>   similar to the Gipper - he's firmly on the "deficits to infinity and
>   beyond" bandwagon. I'm sure it's - *sniff* - what Reagan would have
>   wanted.
>
>   7 The Pentagon dumb dumb
>   But like the subsidized oil, the good news keeps flowing. The
>   Associated Press recently revealed that "Misguided U.S. training of
>   Iraqi police contributed to the country's instability and has delayed
>   getting enough qualified Iraqis on the streets to ease the burden on
>   American forces." Wait a minute, that's not good news either. Who said
>   that? Some commie-pinko-America-hater? Uh, not quite. These are the
>   thoughts of Army Maj. Gen. Paul D. Eaton, the head of armed forces
>   training in Iraq. "We've had the wrong training focus - on individual
>   cops rather than their leaders," he told the AP last week. Well, gee,
>   uh, I guess we hand the country over in two weeks or so... isn't it a
>   bit late to be telling us this? "They basically quit. They told us,
>   'We're an army for external defense and you want us to go to
>   Fallujah?' That was a personal mistake on my part." Whoa, whoa, hold
>   on. This is terrible. You've been doing this for a year, and the whole
>   thing is a flop? How do you explain this? "We thought we were going to
>   be nice and comfortable in a benign environment and rebuild this
>   country." Oh, right.
>
>   8 William Graham anti-choice anti-choice just plain evil
>   How low can the fundie nutjobs go? Family planners Causeway Medical
>   Clinic filed a lawsuit against William Graham of Louisiana last week,
>   because Graham has allegedly been running a fake referral service
>   named Causeway Center for Women. The lawsuit claims that Graham has
>   been tricking women who call him (confusing his "center" with the real
>   one) by telling them he will refer them to a doctor who performs
>   abortions, but then repeatedly rescheduling them until it's too late
>   to get a legal abortion. In some cases women have apparently foregone
>   prenatal care - because they think they're going to get an abortion -
>   and then have been forced to carry the baby to term. What a scumbag.
>
>   9 George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb dumb
>   George W. Bush attended the G8 summit last week.
>   'Nuff said.
>
>   10 Jonathan Cunningham sex dumb
>   And finally, in order to end this edition as far from Ronald Reagan as
>   we possibly can, we're going all the way across the Atlantic to Great
>   Britain, where Conservative Party candidate Jonathan Cunningham was
>   recently "dragged before local party supremos," according to The
>   Register. Why? Because the Tories weren't too happy when they found
>   out that he'd registered a website in order to sell his wife's used
>   underwear. The website - www.pantopia.biz - (here's all that's left in
>   Google's cache) - was created with the full cooperation of his wife,
>   who appeared topless on the site with some of her friends and wrote "I
>   really do get off on my sexual openness. All the girls including my
>   horny, sexy self are real amateurs that get their sexual kicks from
>   getting their tits out." And how did the local Conservative Party find
>   out about Cunningham's enterprise? He unfortunately registered his
>   website using the same address as the one listed in "Tory election
>   literature." Whoops. See you next week!
>
>   Addendum: It appears that Rush Limbaugh, popular radio talk show host
>   and avowed defender of conservative family values, ended his third
>   marriage this week. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Rush during
>   this difficult time, which comes hot on the heels of his recent
>   problems with drug addiction and troubles with the police. Hopefully
>   this latest blow will not prevent Rush continuing his daily three-hour
>   lectures on personal responsibility, morality, and why his problems
>   are all Bill Clinton's fault.
>
>   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
>          http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
>   _____________________________________________________________________
>   
>                            Re-Defeat Bush 2004!          
>          _______________________________________________________