🚀 go-pugleaf

Here is what my friends and I found in the Gazette, Vol. 128, No 18
of Thursday, February 15, 1996. We thought our fellow "Cult Members" would
enjoy this. Reactions anyone? I'm sure we all know how to track down an
email address and inform this person that writing an article requires
a *little* more research..
 
Original article follows.
--
INTERNET TALES by John Cullen
 
        The message is out - the information highway is here to relieve all
of our pressures.
        Sceptical as always, I decided to become one with the future. I got
an e-mail account at the beginning of this term, but my first brush with
the internet harkens back to my Howe Hall days.
        My next-door neighbour had one of those super computers that can
do everything but eat your lunch, so one day, he decided to show a bunch of
us the sick and twisted side of chat lines: "Welcome to Cyber-sex, my boys...
where the degenerates of the world learn to type with one hand while mastur-
bating on the keyboard with the other."
        Five or six of us crowded around the screen while our friend got in
touch with a few of the more risque clowns who do this all the time. We spoke
with a 30-year-old male in Hawaii who loved our fake character, 'Linda.'
After selling ourselves as a 25-year-old blond sex kitten who loved to 'do
it in natural environments,' we persuaded Mr. Hawaii to call us. When the
phone rang, we picked it up and launched into a tirade of profanities littered
liberally with the comments about how lame he was. He expected the porno
voice of a true professional blond hooker, but received the husky voices of
drunk males with nothing better to do but lure unassuming victims into their
grasp. I hope we didn't scar him too much.
        But I digress. Back to the task at hand.
        University students get some damn good deals. While the rest of the
world has to pay for internet services, our little microcosm gets a freebie,
great for people who want to save money on phone bills. Since my friends
live on the other coast, e-mail is a good way to keep in touch. I even
convinced my girlfriend, who is as computer illiterate as I am, to get her
car on the highway.
        However, my plan of joining this new technology was not as simple
as it once seemed. First, I had to deal with the people at Computer Services.
Their long day of work (all six hours of it) is interrupted by an hour-long
lunch break right at noon. This proved to be most troublesome, since people
who need service usually look for it on *their* lunch breaks. After that,
I had to get a modem. I went to PCPC and picked up the cheapest one while
the guy who helped me babbled on about 'baud rates' and other confusing
things. Turns out I should have listened to the guy, because it took me a
good four days to get the thing up and running. Once it worked, the real
problems of e-mail became apparent. I live with three other people, so the
phone rings quite a bit. There is nothing more depressing then receiving
a phone call while reading your mail. It disconnects the modem, and you have
to redial to get back into the system, which is where the second problem
lies. After two o'clock, it's futile to try and get into the system. My
computer is slow, so I spend much of the time waiting to type in my password.
I usually get fed up and punch it a few times to see if my frustrations
will hasten the process. They don't.
        The internet is the newest of the new. Millions have bought a
ticket and are taking the ride, yet many are still scared to do so. Big
computer companies sell the idea of being able to do almost anything in front
of their machines, almost as far as they cashed in on products beginning with
'cyber.' But what is that going to do to the way we live? Are we going to
become completely dependent on one machine... something that can fix all our
problems with the push of a button? Will the natural evolution of humans
include the addition of another finger so we can type faster?
        This is why I am a little hesitant. Computer junkies are a cult of
their own. Why, they even have a guru/leader/prophet - a fellow by the name
of Bill Gates. Aside from being one of the richest men in the world, he is
a role model for all aspiring computer geeks. The question is, will he go
to heaven, or crash and burn with the likes of David Koresh?