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Shocking Baptist Kiddy Sermon Teaches Horrified Children an
Unforgettable Lesson about Hell Bound Catholics

Chelmsford, Essex - During the Broomleigh Baptist Children's Sermon
last Sunday morning, terrified toddlers were treated to a surprise
visit from Saint Patrick himself. According to Pastor Dick Foot, "Our
little 14 year old sissies cried like a pack of mincing pansies just
like they did last week when we showed them The Passion of the Christ."
The lights in the church were dimmed and a ferociously bright green
spotlight scanned over?the crowd of unsuspecting youngsters huddled
together in front of the congregation. The men's choir began to hum in
a steady drone, like Catholic monks stirring a cauldron of boiling
saint relics as the children moved closer together, casting pleading
glances at teachers who used medium-voltage stun guns to herd the timid
tots onto the sculptured shag carpet steps leading up to the church's
18-karat rose gold altar and tidal baptism pool.

After the startling splat of an adult horse being dropped from the
rafters onto the marble stage, an ominous voice bellowed at the
children, many of whom were warily picking equestrian innards from
their clothing and hair.  "I AM SAINT PATRICK!" yelled the heavily
amplified voice of Pastor Dick Foot as he sprang out of the darkness
and into the spotlight. "AND I EAT LITTLE CHILDREN!" Pastor's Saint
Patrick costume was so effective that every little child screamed at
the top of their lungs.  Most felt the telltale jolt of a stun gun,
reminding them that they had visibly soiled the pants of their
Sunday-school uniforms.

As the stage filled with darting coils of snakes, Pastor lunged toward
the terrified children and grabbed 4-year-old, Codie Johnson by the
left foot. He bent down so little Codie was dangling between an angry
rattlesnake and over Pastor's ?sharp yellow teeth. "My Catholic priests
are hungry!" said Pastor. "But you look so tasty, I think I'll just
bite off your tallywhacker myself and spit the rest of you out into
Father O'Malley's bed!" Pastor let out a blood-curdling cackle and
little Codie wet his pants and passed out. He carefully tossed Codie
aside, kicking away the snake just seconds before it lunged for Codie's
tender neck and making sure Codie's ?little head didn't hit the marble
floor (two deacons were on hand to collect the child and bring him to
the church infirmary).

"NOW! Who's NEXT!?" Pastor yelled through a spray of green spittle. He
lunged frantically toward the children. "I drove the snakes out of
filthy, rotten Ireland   and I'll drive you out of your crazy little
minds!  BWAA-hahahahah! " he exclaimed as he waved his green hands in
the air. The children, clinging to each other, ?let out deafening wails
of terror.  Most of them were so petrified that their limbs were frozen
and they couldn't move.

"I work for the Catholic Church!" yelled Pastor. "And we have a
shortage on little children right now..."  Mrs. Ida Mae Denkins' who
was seated in the left second pew stood up and shouted,  "Take my
little Suzie to the priests, Saint Patrick! She's been watching the
Cartoon Network without permission! She's seen Sponge Bob's penis!
She's been a bad girl! A wicked, sinful servant of the satyr Satan!"
Suzie Denkins screamed, "NO MAMA! NO! I'll never watch secular cartoons
again!" Pastor Deacon Fred eyed little Suzie. "You'd make a nice tender
sweet little morsel for one of my demon-red-skirt-wearing bishops!" he
screamed. "They'd love to find out what's going on underneath that
little poodle-skirt you little whore!" Suzie lost consciousness and
several Deacons were on hand to smack her across the head and bring her
limp, sinful carcass to the church infirmary.

"I'm going to let you sissy little scardy cats off easy this time!"
said Pastor.  "I want you worthless little pansies to run off to your
Sunday School classes RIGHT NOW! Your teachers there will learn you
more about me and my Cathylick Church in Rome.  But don't forget March
17th!  Lock your doors and hide under your covers! For on that day, my
drunken Catholic servants diddle their unholy areas and pray to ME! And
I come forth to steal beautiful little Caucasian Baptist children like
YOU! And deliver you into the red velvet bedrooms of my servants, the
priests!"

After all of the children who fled were recovered, the lights were
turned back on and Pastor removed his Saint Patrick mask. The
congregation of parents, who had quietly watched from the tin-level
tither mezzanine balcony, applauded and then rose to give him a
standing ovation. "Hopefully that will stick with them for the rest of
their lives," Pastor told churchgoers. "You have to get them on the
straight and narrow when they are young, A-men?  I thought the Mel
Gibson blood fest would have toughened them up, but apparently we have
a bunch of twinkle-toes fairies that need the fear of Jesus put in
them."
Sunday school classes that morning were an extension of Pastor's
children's sermon. Youngsters were treated to a Power Point
presentation developed by Jack T. Chick, called, "Why Catholics are NOT
Christians."

-- 
Pastor Dick Foot, MA, DD
Broomleigh Baptist Church
The Guardian of English Christianity
http://www.church.broomleigh.org/