🚀 go-pugleaf

averon@indirect.com (Joseph A. Giunta) writes:
:                           THE INTERNET CONNECTION

Oh, boy, another commercial spamming from InDirect.  Hooray!
(You wouldn't, by any chance, be interested in buying some thigh cream
or getting assistance in the Green Card Lottery, would you?)

: 	There is now a service for Internet that can bring together
: compatible people,

I have a SCSI-2 port.

:  matching others to your particular way of viewing
: the world.

Oh, that.  Well, I'm on AFS.  'Nuff said.

:  Once our extensive questionnaire is completed, compatibility
: scores of 80% or higher will be matched.

You know, every time I've seen a claim like this for introductions
services, matching college roommates, etc., I've always gotten matched
with some obnoxious, drinking, belching, smoking, insensitive baboon
who says his/her name is "Lizard".  (Sorry, Lizard, I know you're
probably reading.)  That's only a 50% compatibility score.

:  Each member of the Internet
: Connection is guaranteed at least one electronic mail adress per month,
: or there will be no charge for that period.

Umm, isn't that _sorta_ what all these .singles groups are for?

: When a match has been made,
: each member will receive a copy of a portion of the other's questionnaire,
: of which no personal information will be given out.

Uh, right.  Exactly which part(s) of the questionnaire will not be
personal information?  My shoe size?  Or is that too personal.

:  The members can then
: contact each other with a foreknowledge of what they share in common.

The number-one thing all us geeks share in common is spending too much
time on the Internet.  Yes, folks, I can give you these answers for free!

: 	If you're interested in becoming a member of the Internet
: Connection, please respond to this post or write an e-mail to
: Averon@Indirect.Com with any questions you may have.

My questions are: How many hours after first getting Internet access did
you post this message?  Did you getting this silly idea motivate you to
get on the Internet, or did getting on the Internet motivate this silly
idea?  Were you born dumb or did your parents just raise you that way?

:  There is a non-
: refundable, processing fee of $20 to begin your membership, followed by
: a monthly charge of $5.

Ah, now we get to the nuts and bolts.  He just needs four suckers to
sustain the cost of his Internet account, and the Perl script he has
running everything (Perl if he's quasi-clueful, VisualBasic if not)
is practically free.

: 	Please keep in mind that the members you will be matched with may
: not be in your state. If this is a problem for you, please reconsider
: joining.

Gawd, I certainly wouldn't want to go out with a woman who's in as
sorry a state as I am.

:  The Internet Connection accepts members of all race, sex and
: preference.

You forgot religion, veteran status, and physical/mental/social handicap.

: 	Since this service is just beginning, we will waive the
: initiation fee for the first 100 members. Once we've receive 100
: applicants, we will begin sending out questionnaires.

No, just post a copy of the questionnaire and we'll handle it ourselves.
No need to for you to trouble yourself past that.  I'm sure you have your
hands full, what with Algebra and Spanish I this year.  Your parents
probably won't let you try out for the JV swim team unless you pass.

: 	We'll introduce you; you can take it from there.

Dammit, I moderate a singles group and this bozo didn't try to post his
message there, thus robbing me of the pleasure of thwarting him in at least
some small fashion.

--
Bill Garrett                "It's not censorship; it's just that everybody
garrett@cs.unc.edu           disagrees with you and thinks you're a fool."