🚀 go-pugleaf

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2
indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run
and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people
who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.



--

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm
(8700+ articles)

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members.

Much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.



--

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm
(8700+ articles)

JOB RECOMMENDATIONS

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself."


For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."


--

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm
(8700+ articles)

  1.. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  2.. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  3.. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  4.. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  5.. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  6.. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  7.. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  8.. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
  9.. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
  10.. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
  11.. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
  12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
  13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
  14.. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
  15.. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
  16.. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  18.. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  19.. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  20.. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
  22.. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  23.. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  24.. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

--

Shalom!

Rowland Croucher

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm
(8700+ articles)

Rowland Croucher wrote:
> Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
> nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
> weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
> candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
> 
> We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
> quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> 
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
> and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
> of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2
> indices?
> 
> Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
> comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
> of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
> 
> If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
> vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
> bote your tongue?
> 
> Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
> for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
> play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run
> and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
> 
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
> wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
> quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
> one day and cold as hell another.
> 
> Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
> absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
> sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
> was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people
> who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
> 
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
> can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
> and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
> 
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
> is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
> out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
> when I wind up this essay, I end it.
>  
My alarm clock goes off by going on, by coming on, by turning on, or by 
sounding off, which are all the same.  But when a guy and a gal are 
together, going off, going on, coming on, turning on, and sounding off 
are five very different things.