🚀 go-pugleaf

Should Bruce live or die?

I am a 38 year old man.� I receive CPP Disability (Canadian Pension Plan 
Disability), and AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped, 
[Alberta, Canada]).� They have been my main income for 10 years, along 
with a very small income gained in the last two years by helping people 
fix their computer problems.� No matter how I try, though, I cannot work 
for very long without getting stressed out, and suicidal.

I have suffered from depression since the age of eight (30 years), along 
with anxiety, stress, and low self esteem.� I have never had a girlfriend, 
due to being shy (and my low self-esteem), and I have long since given up 
on the dream of having a family of my own.� I am alone.

As a child, I was bullied and picked on.� I was taught to be a pacifist, 
and ignore those who did me harm.� I continue to abhor violence, and I try 
to ignore those who do me harm.� I've never been a people person.

I grew up in a small town (Hardisty, Alberta).� When I finished High 
School, I immediately left home, moving to Edmonton, Alberta.� I had 
planned to change my life, to be everything I wanted to be.� I figured 
that if I acted outgoing, friendly, and successful, that I would 
eventually become that.� I was wrong.� After a ten years of prentending in 
the city, (four of which I gained a BSc. in University), my mind broke.� I 
had graduated from private suicide attempts, to a public one, which could 
not be ignored by others.

My first suicide attempt was when I was 16.� I have attempted suicide 
innumerable times in the past ten years.� It seems that I am more afraid 
of the oblivion of death, than of continued life.� In the past 5 years, 
I've only tried to kill myself once, and that was recently.� I am a 
coward.� I just can't seem to kill myself.� This final option is denied 
me.

I'm drinking more, to try to obliterate everything.� Logically, I know 
that alcohol will not help, but for some reason I continue to drink.

Part of me wants to die, but the animal part of me clings to life, despite 
my pointless existence.� I'm a financial drain on society, and my 
depression almost always affects people around me.� I'm also a financial 
and emotional drain on my family.� They would be much better off without 
me.� Don't bother to automaically deny that.� There are just some people 
in this world that the world and human society are better off without.

I survive financially through the tax dollars of everyone around me.� No 
matter what I do, I cannot work consistently enough to earn my own living.
� I try to help my community by doing volunteer jobs like garbage picking, 
but I know that it is not enough.

My existence is pointless.� I cannot work.� I have no real friends.� I am 
unable and undeserving to have a girlfriend, much less than a wife and 
family.� What do I have to live for?� More years of this misery?

What do you think?� Should I live or die?


-  Bruce A. Johnson in Hardisty, Alberta, Canada
-  E-mail:  Bruce@BruceJohnson.ca
-  Web:  http://BruceJohnson.ca
-  MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/windrider6

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