🚀 go-pugleaf

"Bruce A. Johnson" <Bruce@BruceJohnson.ca> wrote in message 
news:Xns9991A0C18B4F3BruceBruceJohnsonca@66.150.105.47...
> Should Bruce live or die?
>
> I am a 38 year old man. I receive CPP Disability (Canadian Pension Plan
> Disability), and AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped,
> [Alberta, Canada]). They have been my main income for 10 years, along
> with a very small income gained in the last two years by helping people
> fix their computer problems. No matter how I try, though, I cannot work
> for very long without getting stressed out, and suicidal.
>
> I have suffered from depression since the age of eight (30 years), along
> with anxiety, stress, and low self esteem. I have never had a girlfriend,
> due to being shy (and my low self-esteem), and I have long since given up
> on the dream of having a family of my own. I am alone.
>
> As a child, I was bullied and picked on. I was taught to be a pacifist,
> and ignore those who did me harm. I continue to abhor violence, and I try
> to ignore those who do me harm. I've never been a people person.
>
> I grew up in a small town (Hardisty, Alberta). When I finished High
> School, I immediately left home, moving to Edmonton, Alberta. I had
> planned to change my life, to be everything I wanted to be. I figured
> that if I acted outgoing, friendly, and successful, that I would
> eventually become that. I was wrong. After a ten years of prentending in
> the city, (four of which I gained a BSc. in University), my mind broke. I
> had graduated from private suicide attempts, to a public one, which could
> not be ignored by others.
>
> My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I have attempted suicide
> innumerable times in the past ten years. It seems that I am more afraid
> of the oblivion of death, than of continued life. In the past 5 years,
> I've only tried to kill myself once, and that was recently. I am a
> coward. I just can't seem to kill myself. This final option is denied
> me.
>
> I'm drinking more, to try to obliterate everything. Logically, I know
> that alcohol will not help, but for some reason I continue to drink.
>
> Part of me wants to die, but the animal part of me clings to life, despite
> my pointless existence. I'm a financial drain on society, and my
> depression almost always affects people around me. I'm also a financial
> and emotional drain on my family. They would be much better off without
> me. Don't bother to automaically deny that. There are just some people
> in this world that the world and human society are better off without.
>
> I survive financially through the tax dollars of everyone around me. No
> matter what I do, I cannot work consistently enough to earn my own living.
> I try to help my community by doing volunteer jobs like garbage picking,
> but I know that it is not enough.
>
> My existence is pointless. I cannot work. I have no real friends. I am
> unable and undeserving to have a girlfriend, much less than a wife and
> family. What do I have to live for? More years of this misery?
>
> What do you think? Should I live or die?
>
>
> -  Bruce A. Johnson in Hardisty, Alberta, Canada
> -  E-mail:  Bruce@BruceJohnson.ca
> -  Web:  http://BruceJohnson.ca
> -  MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/windrider6
>
> -- 
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>