🚀 go-pugleaf

On Thu, 21 Nov 1996 17:23:18 -0500, klaatu <root@earthops.org> wrote:

>Brian Z, pay close attention. 

I'm with ya.

>Nobody except gangsters and spy wannabees use that cloak-and-dagger
>stuff anymore. Now it's all done with holograms, mirrors, whispering
>campaigns, and when it comes to something like aliens, hell, use the
>best technique of all.
>
>Hide in plain sight.

Exactly.  That's precisely why the CIA, NSA, and DIA have all shared
the subcontracting costs in hiring Klaatu the Reptoid to spread
disinformation.  His overt Reptoid jokes are a clever ruse to hide his
reptilian lineage in plain sight.  By making these obvious references,
his cold-blooded extraterrestrial  heritage will become the object of
derisive humor, and those who righteously suspect him of having scaly
allegiances will be ridiculed.  This helps Klaatu to promote the
sinister Plan, hidden under our very noses.  He must be stopped.

>Bet you didn't know that there aren't _any_ human beings anywhere near
>Washington! None! Not a one! Test it this way...

My main college girlfriend lives there now.  I agree, however, that
any last vestige of her humanity has been successfully purged.

>It's a great trick, this hiding in plain sight. Someone comes on
>vacation to visit th' Merkin Cap'tol, and every single individual they
>see is an alien. 

That's how it is in Chicago.  This city is densely populated with
Reptoid-cum-humans.  The tip-off is all in the tongue, though.

>It's just too big for the mind to deal with, and so all
>they see is a bunch of oddly-shaped fellow citizens who act really
>really weird. Unless, of course, they happen to be an open-minded
>person, or a youngster, in which latter case they will probably walk
>into an alien bar filled with the sort of alien kids who (kids are kids
>no matter where they're from) will probably sell them some interesting
>chemicals like some ketamine or lsd or enhanced-beer and as soon as
>they're trippin' out will drop their acts and disguises and see if they
>can't get those damned tourists to go back where the heck they came from
>or wish to god they had.

That's how it was when I was in Madison.  In Madison, many of the
students are Sirians.  The Sirians, as you surely know Klaatu, are
heavily into psychedelics.  I stopped ingesting the Sirian shit my
senior year, fortunately.

>It's always been fairly amusing to watch someone run screaming from some
>bar after a pakmara'aa drops pigment and starts wiggling their lip
>tentacles at some tripping punker. 

The cocky bastards need a lesson, though.

>It's even funnier (well, to the
>aliens anyway) to watch one of those silly rear-blind humans (can you
>imagine nature actually producing beings that -hee hee- _can't see
>behind themselves?) blissfully watching an alien in an human-suit
>sweatlessly gyrating on the dance-platform, never noticing the barefoot
>tsh'ki''iedthkt'a (Reptoid to you, Brian) raising one deinonychian foot
>about a foot above and behind the human's neck, patiently wriggling its
>vestigial claws, waiting for the person to get spooked, whereupon it
>will drop its foot to the floor with lightning speed and pretend nothing
>weird's going on... 

Well, I was in Madison when the Lambada swept the town like a tornado,
and all the kids were going crazy over the Reptilian implementation of
the dance.  Something about the scales just made it more erotic.

>It's even more amusing when one of the Bugs (for
>some reason everyone calls them that, even though they're not really
>_that_ mantid) sits down next to some human and yawns, extending their
>reflective chitinous inner-mandibles to clack around inside some
>half-drunk beerglass. People tend to fall all over themselves whenever
>they see that, especially when the tsh'ki'' start chanting "alien alien
>alien alien" at the poor flabbergasted bastard. 

The Sirians, especially Sheldon Nidle of photon belt fame and glory,
would play that drinking game during Sightings.  Whenever the word
"alien" was uttered by the esteemed host, everybody had to take a swig
of that wacky stuff.

>Of course they only are
>so bold when they know for a fact that the person is tripping, and can
>be counted upon to later dismiss these obvious hallicunations as, well,
>obvious hallucinations. Plausible deniability, you know. 

Precisely.  So whenever an unsuspecting human witnesses an alien morph
from lizard to human, it can be plausibly denied as a mere
hallucination... which preserves the secrecy behind the Plan.

>I mean, I'm
>telling you straight 

Yeah, G.

>and if you believe me for a moment, you yourself
>will inarguably know and attempt to convince yourself that you're really
>quite mad.

It's the last bastion of sanity for the paranoid.  Few humans can deal
with the Sirian psychedelics.  Last time I licked that wacky shit, I
thought the walls were melting.  You should have seen the wood grain
in the wall paneling moving like nobody's business.

>The funniest thing I ever did see though was when some aliens posing as
>tourists hung out in a bar next to some real human from out of town, who
>was getting the whole-nine-yards of "the treatment". The guy was just
>sitting there with his tongue hanging out and the tsh'ki'' posing as
>tourists decided to let their tongues hang out too... about an inch
>further every minute. After awhile, the tsh'ki''r posing as a really
>quite-attractive female started drawing little circles in the air about
>an inch from this guy's eyes with her tongue (they extend about fifteen
>inches you know) and so he sort of turns to look at her and she sort of
>sucks her tongue back in and he doesn't even notice. 

I think I met her at some Division Street bar last weekend... a
Michigan nurse, I believe.  Bad experience.

>Uh, yeah, right.
>And people wonder why aliens think they're so stupid... so he starts
>trying to pick her up, despite the fact that there's a "guy" sitting
>right next to her, obviously "with" her.

That's his problem.

> _He_ is sitting there, staring
>at the dancer, so I guess the human thought it'd be pretty cool to try
>and pick up the "girl" who basically is flirting up a storm, probably
>studying human mating rituals for anthropology class. She asks him for a
>cigarette, and when she grabs it out of his hand with her tongue just a
>little too fast for him to see, he doesn't even blink, he probably
>though it was really sexy for her to nibble it out of his hand. Yeesh...

Thing is, alien chicks pretend to dig Camel Lights.   The whole Camel
Joe thing is just another clever disinformation ploy to incite humans
into engaging in self-destructive behaviors.

>She lights it with a pocketlaser and he doesn't even notice the lack of
>flame on her "lighter", and then of course she starts coughing. She
>starts saying something about how one of these days she's going to cough
>up a lung from the things and the guy says something like 'and what nice
>lungs they are', and she just give him the 'you asked for it sucker'
>look and she reaches inside her suit and rips a prosthesis loose from
>her costume and hands him a very lifelike breast and says, if you like
>them so much, here, you can have one. 

Which bar was this?  I must be going to the wrong ones.  I was just at
the Lucky Strike in Lincoln Park tonight and I didn't get any breasts
handed to me.

>And the guy's jaws drops open like
>to his chest and she licks the inside of his mouth from a foot away and
>goes, there's another one where that came from, in fact I think I have a
>bag full of spares around here somewhere, and starts fishing around in
>her shirt again. Meanwhile, her companion over her shoulder spits out
>his dental prostheses and grins at the guy, and you must remember that
>the tsh'ki'' have very nice teeth, considering that they're evolved from
>fishcatchers. He even uncoiled his neck some, extending it about a foot,
>and of course the guys is starting to sober up really quickly, and he
>starts beating a path towards the door, 

What a wuss.  I'd have stuck around for a few more breasts.

>and the pakmara'aa are
>depigmenting from camoflage and waving their facial tentacles at him 

Prrrrrrrr.........

>and 
>the guy is just flipping out as he hauls ass for the door and the
>tsh'ki'r is yelling at him "but I thought you _liked_ my breasts!" and
>she tosses one at him and it splashes silicone all over the doorjam
>right as he runs out of it right in front of a taxicab which promptly
>hits him. 

But did he hang on to the breast shell?

>Out comes the driver, an ursine from Procyon iv-B, who's so
>startled by this that he doesn't even have a chance to tuck down his
>muzzle and pull on his humanface prosthesis. So here's this Man getting
>up from the pavement, surrounded by pakmara'aa, who are repigmenting and
>folding their tendrils flat to better pass-for-human, pretending
>nothing's happening and he gets helped up by some really big guy who's
>well, a rather huge bear doing its best to look really concerned. 

Why bring those ursines into this?  The Federation no longer
acknowledges the aliens from Ursa Minor due to their recklessness in
similar incidents.

>But
>reading alien facial expressions is an acquired skill, and so this guy
>goes hopping down "F" street past the J. Edgar Hoover building, which is
>at this hour mostly staffed with more ursines in hominid drag. The guy
>start hopping over that way, but when he sees one of the guards reach up
>_under_ the skin of his neck (those damned manface prostheses get pretty
>itchy, especially if you're furry beneath) to scratch, and next thing
>you know, the guy's either all healed from his injury, or adrenalized
>into immunity to pain. He hauls ass around the corner, and we haven't
>seen him since. Too bad, we thought he did a really great
>voice-imitation of a turkey-gobbler.

Your hero must have been too psyched out after getting breasts thrown
at him.

>Of course, you can't act so silly in Washington and not get a spotter
>called out on you; we can't let some poor silly human wander onto the
>wrong side of town where all of the Devolved live. (transgenation
>experimentation does have its down side, you know.) Seems he finally got
>up enough nerve to ride a bus (hah! if he only knew) back to his hotel,
>where he'd paid cash under an assumed name. Last report was that he had
>gotten on some jet back to some small-town cow-college out in the
>backwoods of Wisconsin.
>
>Was that you, Brian?

Nope.  Madison is not a small-town cow-college.  That would be
UW-Stout or UW-Platteville.  I am now in the city called "Chicago" by
the natives, however, and I've found it to be a convenient subterfuge.

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