🚀 go-pugleaf

Dave Barry you are not.

D. Scott Secor - Millennial Infarction Mitigator wrote:
> 
>               SILVER BULLET #2687 (pantents pending)
>     Copyright 1999 by D. Scott Secor, Year 2000 Institute
>      URL:  http://y2k.board.org/  Email: y2k@board.org
> 
> Since Peter de Yawner has done an about face, I too have had an epiphany of
> sorts.  This is likely to come as absolutely fabulous news for the DumbBrood
> (Broom Doods), Luddites and technophobes of every stripe, Rush Limbaugh, and
> a host of others suffering from abject denial.
> 
>  Since I have focused my attention on pressing Year 2000 issues over the
> past few years, I believed that it is timely that I have unwittingly
> stumbled across the ultimate "Silver Bullet".  It is certain to save us all.
> 
>  Does the cure involve a complex algorithm heretofore undiscovered?  No.
> 
>  Does it mandate hoarding of unpalatable food stuffs, bleach-laden water, or
> hollow-point ammunition?  No.
> 
>  Would you have to flee to the countryside to live in a hollow tree, stolen
> Port-a-Potty, or empty culvert?  Not if you don't enjoy the great
> outdoors -- a lot!
> 
>  Might it demand severe personal sacrifices of any kind?  Confidentially, it
> does not.
> 
> My plan is far, far simpler.  Bear with me on this, as I am about to create
> a "link".
> 
>  A link(tm) is a feat which involves the joining of two or more seemingly
> unrelated news stories.  This should only be attempted by seasoned
> professionals, according to St. Paul Pioneer Press columnist and KSTP 1500
> on-air talent Joe Soucheray.
> 
> Most would agree that the character-free First Felon has the inherent
> ability to shrug the most damning of scandals that would have otherwise
> thwarted (or jailed) mere mortals.  His long history of lurid sex scandals
> (e.g., decades of "Bimbo eruptions") and traitorous actions (e.g.,
> technology transfers for ChiComm campaign contributions) quickly confirms
> this suspicion.  Bubba has achieved a slipperiness that easily eclipses that
> of Teflon -- something akin to a freshly manicured Hockey rink covered by
> dense layer of ball bearings, topped with an inch or two of "Slick 50" MTFE
> engine oil treatment.  Actually, this may be a grossly inadequate
> comparison.
> 
>  Nevertheless, every time such scandals burst forth on the scene, Slick
> Willie's  approval rating wonderously INCREASES and the Dow Jones willingly
> responds with a 200 or 300-point rally.  This is key to the plan's success.
> Therefore, I appeal to everyone to stop wasting their valuable time and
> precious resources on Y2k Projects and Preparations long enough to heed my
> sage advice.
> 
>  To echo the immortal words of commodity broker turned agrarian engineer
> Paul Milne, "Remediation is futile".  Or to repeat my practically as
> immortal (but far more realistic) words "Awareness is futile".  We must
> immediately halt whatever Y2k remediation efforts with which we are
> presently involved!  There is no need to patch another line of errant legacy
> code, replace a wayward embedded system, or cowtow to the whims of
> bothersome government regulators.
> 
>  The only preparation required to circumvent the insidious nature of all Y2k
> issues would be a live televised sexual indiscretion -- the racier or more
> perverse the better -- featuring the President and his plaything of the
> month.  Sick Willie would be required to perform innovative sex acts that
> would make a pornographer blush.  Extra points will be awarded for athletic
> ability, originality, and defying the laws of physics.
> 
> For example, the well-timed strangulation of the object of his infection
> might add to the overall effect.  This historic event could be choreographed
> by Larry Flint and Dick Morris, with color commentary by Marv Alpert and
> Xaviara Hollander.
> 
>  The "newsworthy" broadcast _MUST_ be aired on New Year's Evil during Prime
> Time viewing hours for maximum effectivity.  The following Monday, any
> dastardly Y2k disturbances would be offset entirely by the record increase
> in the Dow Jones Industrial Average, perhaps greater than one thousand
> points in a single trading day.
> 
> Doubtless, shortly thereafter the First Prevaricator would be installed as
> King of the World, his lawful debts forgiven, and his partner du jour would
> be awarded a Pull-it-sir (sur)prize -- or possibly granted Sainthood if she
> swallowed or smoked the cigar.
> 
> Whadaya think?  I have saved the global economy, averted accidental nuclear
> warfare, avoided civil unrest, and resolved the multi-facetted Y2k Problem
> in one swell foop.
> 
>  Oh sure, my Silver Bullet #2687 (patents pending) could use a little
> tweaking, but what the heck, it's got "Clinton" written (or should I say
> "dribbled") all over it.   Black helicopters optional at extra cost.
> 
> Ciao,
> 
> --
> D. Scott Secor, Year 2000 Institute & Board of Inquiry, Mpls., MN USA
> Home of the Daily Hemorrhoid Examiner -- hundreds of  news links
> plus 450 popular comic links -- URL:  http://y2k.board.org/g_news.html