🚀 go-pugleaf

In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com> dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
>Lucy James (lucy@netcom.com) wrote:
>
>: one of their quarterly block-parties.  My 22 year old son, a budding
>[....]
>: I met him at the gallery and he introduced me to the gallery owner
>: 'I'd like you to meet my mom, Lucy...' I beamed with a big smile...
>: From there it was taking lots of pictures of him and his work.
>
>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
>yourself as his "parent"?  


David

What you observe is true. The situation was one of pressure. Actually
it started back in November over Thanksgiving dinner. During the
dinner conversation my son remarked how he missed his father. That
of course plucked one of my heart strings.  With teary eyes I told him
that I missed his father too.  He was good loving father but I had
to let him go. My son asked me if he could still call me dad. I said
for the time being but there would come a time when he would have to
resolve who I was going to be in the family unit.  It makes no sense
in this culture to refer to me in public as his father.  The reference
would only cause problems for every one.  The gallery event was just
such a time.

The situation you observe is called 'The Uninvited Dilemma' which is
the title of a book discussing the transsexual's transition journey and
the way that journey impacts the people around him/her.  I perceive
the pressure you speak of as coming from our cultures inability to
accept gender identitiy and sexual orientation as a spectrums rather than
bi-polar points.

You observered that he already has a mom.  Well interestingly enough
I'm his third mom now.  His natural mother, my first ex-spouse, just
graduated from UCLA and has entered law school and could not make it.
His step-mother, my second ex-spouse, was there at the gallery as well
to show loving support.  During the Christmas season he introduced me
to some of his friends as 'and this is Lucy..' So we have been taking
small steps to bring me into focus as an important member of the
family unit.  When I spoke to him on the phone before the showing I
only asked him that he not refer to me as dad.  I also gave him the
option of me not being there if it would bother him.  That would have
hurt my feelings deeply but I was willing to support him with that
option if he needed the space.  He asked me to be there with my loving
support and so I was there.  I asked that he not refer to me as dad
and he gave me loving support in return and introduced me as his mom.
I can't think a better reason for feeling so proud of my son.

Lucy J.