🚀 go-pugleaf

    "So, who'd you say you were, again?" Vinnie the Bartender
asked, fixing the woman another drink. She was dressed in a badly
burned and torn flight-suit-like uniform, yet she seemed strangely
unharmed. Piercing brown eyes stared out from under a poof of
blonde hair; Vinnie noticed that they were almost staring
_through_ him...
    "Excellent." the woman said to herself, utterly ignoring him,
as she sipped the Slurpee. Vinnie had gotten a Slurpee machine a
couple weeks ago when some of the regulars dragged it in, saying
that they'd stolen it from a nearby 7-11. "With each sip of
Protoculture, I can feel my powers returning a bit more..."
    "Er. Right." Vinnie said, determined not to get confused.
    "Now, human, I'm going to suck your brain dry and use your
knowledge to aid me in my evil plans." she said, finishing the
Slurpee.
    "Hah." Vinnie said, chuckling. "I'm just a bartender -- only
thing I know how to do is make drinks..."
    The woman's eyes glowed with energy as she stood. "In this
particular case, that will be sufficient..." she said coldly,
as tendrils of energy formed from her hands and reached out for
him.
    "Oooh!" Bert, one of the two bar patrons, said. "Lookit,
Arnold, this beats X-Files by a longshot! Arnold?"
    "Oog." Arnold commented, falling off his barstood in a
cascade of drunk redneck and Schlitz Ice bottles.
    And Vinnie screamed as his mind was torn apart...

         BLORG TREK II: The Wrath of Admiral Morgan
                          Part Four
                      by Jesse Taylor
         [This space intentionally not left blank.]

"Why is the Force like Duct Tape?" "Err... why?" "Because it
has a Dark Side and a Light Side, and it holds the universe
together." "D'oh!"
     -- Stepping out of Character while playing the Star Wars RPG

     "Firing range in ten minutes..." a generic bridge crewman
said, checking the displays at his station. Morgan nodded
slightly, watching the main viewscreen. She noted that the Assault
Carrier was peeling off from its' escort position, but didn't
waste effort wondering about it.
     She laughed evilly, thinking about what would happen in a few
minutes. "All that work to try and conquer the Earth -- what a
waste! Once I win Most Totally Evil, I can start building my
empire in someplace that won't be quite as much effort to take
over... And I mean, the commercial endorsements alone will
probably finance a good-sized armada..."
     Morgan trailed off from her thoughts as she noticed a couple
of her troopers staring at her doubtfully. "Well, what is it?!"
she snapped, getting up from her chair and walking up to the
closest one. She noted, now, that the whole bridge crew was
watching her.
     "Well, uh, Admiral, sir, uhm..." the trooper started.
     "Oh, spit it out before I have you executed..." Morgan
growled.
     "Uh, I was just thinking, uh..."
     "Thinking, eh? That must be a new experience for you..."
Morgan chuckled. She silently cursed her youthful body -- she was
shorter than all of her troops, which meant she had to look _up_
at them.
     The trooper paused a moment, thinking. "Uh, no... But, uhm,
Admiral, I was just thinking, why are we wasting effort on this
planet? We have a whole universe of planets to choose from..."
     "You _doubt_ me?!" Morgan gaped, astounded. For one of her
troops to dare to question her plans... Unthinkable!
     "Well, yeah... I mean, you're still Admiral Morgan, but, you
know, you're just sixteen..." the trooper said, looking down at
her.
     "Why you @*#$%&!!" Morgan exclaimed, grabbing the trooper by
the throat in an attempt to strangle him. The bridge crew
collectively winced... until the trooper grabbed her hand...and
squeezed, hard.
     "OW!" Morgan yelped, twisting free. "SECURITY!! KILL HIM!!!"
     The two heavily armed guards who had been lounging at the
back of the bridge started forward, but then stopped, waiting.
     "You aren't stronger than us, anymore..." the trooper said,
thoughtfully, rubbing his neck.
     "KILL!! KILL HIM!! WHAT ARE YOU _WAITING_ FOR?!?" Morgan
yelled. The two guards ignored her.
     "Why should we follow your orders any more?" the trooper
asked. "You're just gonna get us killed, like every other goon who
ever signed up with you!"
     Morgan glared around at the bridge crew. "I order you all to
kill him!" The bridge crew collectively ignored her, idly pressing
buttons on their consoles. "I _order_ you, dammit!!" Morgan
shouted. "What are you people _doing_?!?"
     "I think we're mutinying." the trooper said, brushing her
aside as he moved to the captain's chair. "Helm, how close are we
to the firing position?"
     "Seven minutes, sir."
     "Reverse course immediately. Take us back to the asteroid
base."
     "Aye, sir."
     "WHAT?!?" Morgan screamed. "You can't do this! I'll have you
drawn and quartered! I'll blast you into tiny pieces and then
_stomp_ on them! Then I'll burn what's left and dump the ashes
into the nearest black hole! I'll... LISTEN TO ME, DAMN YOU!"
     "Security, restrain her." the new captain said. The two
guards looked at each other, shrugged, and moved towards Morgan.
     "Computer! Initiate Brownian Motion Cannon activation
sequence! Lock out all command functions! Activ-AAARGH!" Morgan
shouted, getting cut off as one of the security guards grabbed
her. Struggling, she twisted free and ducked off the bridge
through one of the hatches.
     "Damn! Stop her!" the Trooper-turned-Captain shouted. The
ship suddenly shook, tossing people around every which way. "What
the Hell(tm) was _THAT_?!"
     "Friendly fire, sir!" a sensor operator replied. "It's the
assault carrier; they're shooting at us!"
     "Return fire!"
     "Sorry, sir, the weapons controls aren't responding..." the
weapons operator gulped.
     "Helm?"
     "Negative, sir. We're locked on acourse for the firing
position."
     The ship shook again. "Alert all troops! Find Morgan and get
her to turn everything back on -- before the ship gets destroyed!"

<----->

     "Their shields are down." Science Guy said, peering at the
sensor display. "They still haven't returned fire. I'm picking up
sporadic energy weapons fire in several parts of the ship... As
well as a general buildup of energy in the main capacitors."
     "Maybe they're playing Laser Tag?" Fractalman offered.
     "Bring us into a position to mate airlocks with them."
Ha'Veluri said coldly, ignoring Fractalman. "Alert the boarding
teams to be ready."

<----->

     Morgan ran full-out down through the corridors of the ship,
headed for the Brownian Motion Cannon Control Room. All around
her, she could hear weapons fire as those of her troops still
loyal to her fought the...the traitors. "You won't win!" she
snarled, swinging around a corner. "I will _not_ be cheated of my
revenge!! Not when I'm this clo-OOF!"
     "Morgan!" Captain Devran exclaimed. "Fancy bumping into you
here..."
     "Devran?!" Morgan yelped. "How did you escape from the room?
And how did you defeat my ten best soldiers?!?"
     Devran shrugged. "Beats the heck outta me. It happened off-
camera, you see..."
     "What?!"
     "Nevermind."
     "Oh."
     The two stood there for a moment. "I don't suppose you're
going to surrender, are you?" Devran asked, flames starting to
sparkle in her eyes as she prepared to use the pyrokinetic powers
she had weilded as Burnout of Force Ten.
     But before Morgan could answer, Devran was blasted from the
side by a beam of raw plasma as one of Morgan's troops saw her.
She was unharmed by the blast, as her powers protected her from
heat -- but by the time she had disposed of the trooper, Morgan
was running off down a side corridor.
     "Try to use _my_ ship to blow up the Earth, will you..." she
snarled, heading after the fleeing villainess.

<----->

     "Sir!" a bridge tech shouted, as he checked one of the few
still-functioning displays on the bridge. The captain-by-popular-
opinion turned to look at him, leaving the other techies to their
attempts to bypass the command lockout.
     "Yeah?"
     "This display says that the assault carrier has docked with
us -- and they're probably on their way to the bridge now!"
     "Damn!" the c-b-p-o cursed. "Are there any troops in that
area?"
     "No, sir..." the tech said, glancing at the displays again.
"Everyone in that area is already dead..."
     "Damn! (again!)" the cbpo cursed. "I... hey, how can you tell
so much from that display? It's just a bunch of meaningless lights
and switches!"
     "Shhh!" the tech hissed. "It's a Star Trek thing..."
     "Oh. Okay, then, since we can't stop them... Find a working
communicator and tell them we surrender."
     "WHAT?!" everyone on the bridge gasped.
     The cbpo shrugged. "It's either that or die horribly at the
hands of that big cat guy..." There was a long pause. "I didn't
think so. Transmit our surrender, bef-"
     There was an explosion, and one of the bridge doors was blown
open, revealing Ha'Veluri, Fractalman, and Science Guy, all posing
dramatically (if anyone had taken a picture, it would have been
primo SF-book-cover material), and with large, high-caliber
weapons.
     "We surr-" began one of the techs.
     "DIE!" Ha'Veluri screamed, blazing away with his gun. Within
seconds, everyone except the boarding party was toast -- along
with most of the bridge controls.
     Fractalman snorted. "There's no feeling any greater/Than to
shoot first and ask questions later..." he hummed.
     "Philosophy? From you?" Science Guy asked, surprised.
     "Song lyrics..." Fractalman said, "Weird Al's song, 'Trigger
Happy'." He turned to Ha'Veluri, looking rather annoyed. "Way to
freakin' go, big guy. You just vaped the guys who could've helped
us figure out what's going on here, not to even _mention_ the fact
that you annihilated half the bridge to do it!"
     "I must concur..." Science Guy sighed, as he attempted to
resuscitate one of the blasted consoles. "You have rendered the
majority of the control systems inoperable..."
     "Oops." Ha'Veluri gulped, staring at the main screen.
Fractalman and Science Guy turned to look. The screen showed the
Earth, hanging peacefully in space. And the small legend [>Firing
Range in .5 minutes<] in the lower right corner. "I think we're in
biiiiiiig trouble, guys..."
     "Hey! The beer tap still works!" Fractalman remarked, pouring
himself a mug.

<----->

     Morgan had just finished waxing the floor of the Brownian
Motion Cannon control room when Devran barreled in, skidded across
the newly-waxed floor, and slammed through the wall of the set,
her arms windmilling wildly as she knocked over several cameramen
and finally thwacked into the wall of the studio.
     Walking over to the Big Red Firing Button, Morgan shook her
head condescendingly and checked the teapot again. If only there
were a more efficient template for Brownian Motion than a nice,
hot cup of tea... but no, some force in the universe dictated that
this was it. Judging the tea done, Morgan poured a cup and set it
on a small, high-tech-looking metal plate covered with sensors.
     "You'll never stop me now, Devran!" she shouted, watching the
countdown tick away. There was a pause.
     "*AHEM*! You'll *never* stop me *now*, Devran!" she shouted
again. This time, Devran was able to stagger in through the hole
in the set, where she leaned against a support, holding her head.
     "I'll stop you..." she snarled, shaking her head to clear it
and advancing towards Morgan. "You can't take my ship..."
     "Very well..." Morgan chuckled, pressing a button on the
wall. A door irised open to reveal the interior of an escape pod.
"Keep the ship, Captain. Once I blow up the Earth, I'll have
bigger fish to fry."
     "Over my dead, bleeding body, will you blow up the Earth!"
Devran shouted, leaping at the young Universal Dominatrix. Morgan
ducked, and Devran slammed into the Big Red Firing Button.
     "Mwahaha!" Morgan laughed evilly. "I don't _have_ to blow up
the Earth, when you'll do it for me!"
     [>CANNON FIRING!<] the display red, and an alert sounded:
"Main Gun firing -- Main Gun firing -- Chartreuse Alert! --
Chartreuse Alert! -- Main Gun firing..."
     "No..." Devran gaped, as the displays shifted and moved.
"No!"
     Morgan was about to say something witty, but Devran punched
her, knocking the sixteen year old Second Most Totally Evil Woman
back into the escape pod, where she conked her head on the
'launch' button and proceeded to fall unconsious.
     Devran ignored the launching escape pod as she studied the
controls -- searching for something, anything, that would stop the
cannon from firing...
     Acting on impulse, she turned to the Motion Templating
device, reached in, and... grabbed the teacup. She gulped it down,
wincing at the taste.
     "She may be the Second Most Totally Evil Woman in the
Universe..." Devran said, making a face, "But she can't make a
decent cup of tea..."
     "Error -298!" the computer complained. "Device not available:
Motion Template! Abort Firing Sequence!"
     Devran peered at the display. "Well *that* was
anticlimactic..." she grumbled.

A couple days later...

     Devran stared out the observation window at the Blorg Star as
it hung silently in the repair dock. The slight damage it had
sustained during the fight with Morgan's troops had already been
repaired, and the ship was being stocked and fueled for an long
journey. Devran sighed. "I wish Ha'Veluri would just out and tell
me where he's planning on taking my ship..." she said quietly.
     "Your ship?" Ha'Veluri's growling voice remarked from behind
her, causing her to jump about three feet into the air. "That's
sounding like you're actually accepting your role as Captain..."
     "Hrmph." Devran replied, turning back to the window. "You
know you're going to have to tell me where you're going,
eventually..."
     "Of course. But not quite yet..." Ha'Veluri purred, moving up
beside her. Devran instinctively edged away from the enormous
anthropomorphic tigeroid.
     "Hey, guys..." Fractalman commented, wandering in. Ha'Veluri
shifted his weight slightly, increasing the distance between him
and Devran. "Uhm, I'm not interrupting something, am I?"
     "No... What is it?" Devran asked, turning to him.
     "Uhm, Tris got away, we think. We scoured the station for
her, but we couldn't find her anywhere. We think she took a
shuttle or something down to Earth... She could be anywhere by
now..."
     Devran shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'm having Science Guy
check for any more backdoors or booby-traps in the computer
systems, just to be sure. And I don't think Tris will get a chance
to backstab us again."
     "Well, Captain Devran, you've defeated the Second Most
Totally Evil Woman in the Universe..." Fractalman said, in a
reasonably good facsimile of the 'Generic TV Announcer' voice. "So
what are you planning to do, now?"
     Devran looked out the window again for a moment before
turning to Fractalman. "I hear Disney World is nice this time of
year..." she said with a grin.

<----->

     Morgan shook her head to clear it and looked around at her
surroundings. A ship? Hrm... It wasn't one of hers, she thought,
but it looked somehow... familiar...
     "Hiya!" Turalyn said, wandering up to where she was lying on
a ship's cot. "We were wandering when you'd come around... Felix
spotted your escape pod a couple hours ago, and we picked you up
before going into overly-hyped space..."
     "O-overly... Overly-hyped space?!" Morgan snarled. "No! How
far are we from Earth?!?"
     "Quite a ways... why?"
     "Was the Earth still in one piece when you left?" Morgan asked,
looking incredibly depressed.
     "Err... yeah."
     "ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Morgan yelled,
punching the wall. "YOWWWWWW!" she yelled, holding her now-bruised
hand. "Defeated *again*!"
     Turalyn blinked. "I just thought I'd let you know that we got
some more Zima, and we're about to deliver it... I-"
     The whole ship suddenly shuddered as if it had been struck.
     "What the Hell(tm) was *that*?!" Morgan yelled. Turalyn
looked just as clueless, as the ship shook again, throwing him
against a bulkhead. Morgan sighed. "Someone up there hates me..."
she concluded, as the 'Red Alert!' lights came on.

WHAT NOW? FIND OUT IN "BLORG TREK: THE CONTINUING SERIES #0" AND
"WANDERING MORONS #5"