🚀 go-pugleaf

     Every so often in 000REALLIFE, you'll hear someone say, "You know,
humans aren't the only intelligent life on the planet!"  Usually this is
meant to instill some sense of humility or somesuch, since it may very well
be true, and upset most people's view of humanity as unique.  Dolphins,
whales, some apes, perhaps even cuttlefish have degrees of mental ability
which might be considered "intelligence," depending on how you define it and
whether we have a good handle on how mentally acute the species in question
is.   The Author's usual response to such a quip tends to be along the lines
of "Yeah, lemme know when they can vote."  Not that the Author's that big of
a jerk, but the people who tend to throw the intelligence retort around
are often quite annoying.
     But in 000SUPERGUY, the phrase, "Humans aren't the only intelligent life
on the planet!" is a warning of the direst sort, and too often it is ignored.
Even leaving aside the various aliens, extradimensional beings, computer
intelligences personifications of abstract principles and people who have
mutated too far to be considered human anymore, the Earth of 000SUPERGUY
swarms with intelligent life, only a fraction of which any human is aware of.
     The lemurs who bedevil Space Moose.  The raccoons who have been known to
mug campers and wear power armor over in Slackers Anonymous.  The Grey
Squirrels controlling college campuses in Team M.E.C.H.A.  And, of course,
the Red Squirrels who appeared in the previous episode of this very story.
Hordes of non-human intelligences working behind the scenes to their own
ends, making use of human technology when it suits them and pretending to be
dumb animals to keep humanity unsuspecting and docile.
     When the final, successful overthrow of humanity is accomplished, it
will not be at the hands of the Magestrix, or the Legions of Hell(TM) or even
another Dark Goddess.  It will come from the small furry creatures beneath
our very feet, who we ignore at our peril and at their pleasure.
     Their agents even now infiltrate positions of power, and while heroes
like Crazy Guy may thwart their plans for now, chitter squeak.
     Er, I mean, it's only a matter of time.

Coherent Comics UnInc. Presents:   ___  __   __ ___ _  _   ___   _  _ _  _
         CRAZY GUY #15            /   '/  | / |  /   \/   /   ' /   /  \/
    "Mission Implausible"        /    /--' /--| /    /   /  __ /   /   /
copyright 1997 Dave Van Domelen `___ /  | /   |/__ _/    `__/  \__/  _/
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

     "Tracker, you return!  What news do you bring of our leaders?" asked an
aged squirrel, his reddish fur streaked with white and grey.
     "You don't know?  Curse that human, he must have intercepted Jasper!"
fumed the tracker.  "Put the base on high alert.  We must assume the worst,
that this human is in league with the Greys."
     A murmur of concern ran through the small cluster of squirrels who
accompanied the old one.
     "The news, then, is bad?" asked the aged scientist.
     "It would be difficult for the news to be worse," replied the tracker.
"Our leaders are dead," he paused to let the anguished squealing and
chittering die down slightly, "and the Project: Squirrelguy data has been
stolen.  By a human, who even now is above us in the human holy place.  He
slew our leaders so quickly neither had time to get off a warning, and knows
our ways well enough to intercept the runner we sent ahead to warn you all.
I'm afraid we will need to deploy Mobile Suit Hudsonicus!"
     "But...it's not ready yet!" protested one of the younger scientists.
"It hasn't been field tested against live targets, it could be too slow and
unmaneuverable to hit a skilled warrior...especially one as fast as you
describe!"
     "We'll have to take that chance...the demonic forces we hired cannot get
any closer to help us, and we can't risk that our foe can slip out the same
way he got in, taking our datacrystal with him.  If the Greys got ahold of
the information stored on it, our cause would be forever lost.  Ready the
suit and send a message to all our other bases to prepare for the worst...."

               *              *              *              *

     "So, Brother Charles, how many demons are out there, anyway?" Jack
asked, hoping for a small number.
     "We really don't know," he replied, tossing a bit of corn to a nearby
squirrel.  "There's enough to lay siege, but that could be hundreds of demons
or a few very fast ones.  The sanctity of this place keeps them at bay, but
we lack the manpower to scout them out.  And I don't wish to risk any lives
needlessly if it turns out they're staying back a little farther than they
have to, yes?"
     Sister Sara nodded.  "Good thinking.  I tried reading their auras to get
an idea of their total strength, but they seem to be masking themselves to
avoid drawing too much of my kind of attention.  That, and their proximity to
this place make it hard to tell...but there's certainly more than a few fast
ones.  Two dozen, minimum."
     Jack frowned.  "No way I can beat up that many demons myself.  Sister,
how many do you think you could take out with that gun?"
     "Depends.  Blessed bullets will cut through mystic defenses, but if a
demon has steel skin, it has steel skin."
     Jack winced as he remembered Eng Fan Boi's iron hide.
     "And I only have a couple of clips, even if I can kill one with each
shot, that's probably not enough."
     "Okay, we can't beat them on our own.  That leaves evacuation," Jack
said.  "If we bless all the vehicles, we should be able to run...."
     Brother Charles cut him off.  "No.  Leaving is not an option.  If we
leave, the demons can get close enough to desecrate the Mission.  Even if we
could later drive them off, they would have won a major victory."
     "Why?  If no one is killed and you can rebuild..." Jack wondered.
     Sara and Charles exchanged glances, and when Charles nodded, Sara turned
to Jack and said, "Remember how I told you the Vatican formed my more
combat-oriented Order in the wake of the invasion from Hell?"
     Jack nodded.
     "Well, that invasion was a wake up call in more than one way.  For
centuries the Church has concentrated on defeating the devil inside each one
of us, the metaphysical evil that all men carry.  We had thought that the
more mystical side of our history was a mistake, leading to witchhunts,
Inquisitions and other evils we deeply regret having committed in God's name.
But when the Devil is flying a starship around the galaxy trying to conquer
worlds from outside instead of just conquering hearts from the inside, you
have to recognize that maybe evil is more than an abstract concept, yes?"
     "I guess I always thought of evil as something you could hit in the
first place," Jack replied.
     Sara nodded.  "That's the Taoist mysticism in your upbringing.  And the
early Church had elements of that, too, but we abandoned them over the
centuries.  But now we're looking much more carefully at those abandoned
texts and old doctrines, looking for tools we can use to help prevent Satan
from gaining another physical foothold on Earth."  Sara paused, wondering why
Jack looked so guilty for a moment, but forged on.  "In addition to the old
ways of exorcism and fighting demons, we learned that places of great
holiness really do possess an earthly power to fight evil, as you know from
the fact that the demons surrounding this place can't get too close while
we're here."
     Brother Charles picked up the thread.  "This Mission has been
continuously occupied for over three centuries by people of strong faith and
purpose.  That has given it substantial power...I suppose you might say it's
like the 'feng shui' property of land you might know of."
     Jack nodded.  "But a place either has or doesn't have good feng shui,
you can't really change that.  Unless you blast away at the mountain with
dynamite, or something."
     Charles shrugged.  "Like I said, it's like feng shui, but not exactly
the same thing.  Suffice to say, if the demons desecrate this place, it will
take another three centuries to truly rebuild.  If we leave, we lose a major
power source and all forces of evil win.  Which, I suppose, is why Chinese
demons would even bother with us...we may not specifically oppose them, but
we oppose all evil, and would be an impediment to them."
     Jack fumed slightly.  "So that's the loophole," he muttered to himself.
     "What?" Sara asked.
     "Never mind.  Okay, fighting's out, evacuating's out.  I suppose we
could just leave things as they are for now, but I suspect demons can lay
better sieges than mortals can.  Could we call for more help?"
     Brother Charles shook his head.  "The phone lines were cut early on, and
our shortwave radio's not strong enough to reach anyone who could help, it's
really only for helping out with forest fires and so forth.  I suppose we
could involve the park service, but they wouldn't stand a chance against
demons.  You could just drive back out to get help?"
     "Looks like that's our only choice," Jack agreed.
     Suddenly (the preferred method of things happening in this series) the
wall burst in with a shower of dust and rubble.
     "No, humans, your only choice is to surrender the data crystal or die!"
     The oddly mechanical voice came from a hulking metal figure, nearly
seven feet tall and almost that wide.  It was a patchwork of various
technologies, obviously scavenged from different sources and then merged as
best as the builders could manage.  A Tornado suit piece here, some Cyclone
bits there, a Zoomer hand, an Invid cannon...a crazyquilt of mecha that
looked far deadlier than it had a right to.
     "Demon?" Jack asked.
     "Not demon," Sara replied.
     "Please," Brother Charles pleaded.  "I thought we had an agreement here,
we'd respect each others' neutrality in our respective struggles!"
     Jack and Sara both turned to look at Charles.  "Bwah?" they asked in
unison.
     "We do not make agreements with humans," the voice retorted, "we make
USE OF humans.  You outlived your usefulness months ago...if only you'd taken
the hint and left this place to us, we wouldn't have had to use sterner
methods."
     "YOU'RE behind the demons?" Brother Leo shouted accusingly, holding his
shovel like an axe.
     "I'm confused," Jack said to Sara.
     "Me too," she replied.
     "We did not wish to harm you, you've been pleasant enough neighbors,"
the mecha's speakers blared.  "But if we are not given the crystal, we will
be forced to clear you out ourselves, and to hell (TM) with the mess!"
     Jack paused for a moment, then his face lit up.  He reached into his
pocket and pulled out a cracked piece of bloodstained quartz.  "You mean this
thing?  It's cracked, no use to you.  Please go away.  And if it's not too
much trouble, call off your demons."
     The suit lunged forwards to grab the crystal, but Jack ran up its side
and sat on its back.
     "Fool, it's a holographic storage medium.  Even cracked it contains
valuable data.  Give it to me or all of these people die!" the suit boomed,
deploying vicious claws and opening rocket launcher ports while trying to
reach its back to grab Jack.
     "Nope, nopenopenope," Jack replied.  "Anyone who summons demons to kill
priests isn't someone I want to help.  Do you?" he looked to Sara, who shook
her head, still a little shocked and confused by the current developments.
     "Then we'll kill you all anyway and TAKE the crystal!" the pilot
shouted, deploying a laser from the back of the suit's head and firing.
     "Yeep!" Jack fell back just in time to avoid having a rather painful
hole seared in his skull.  "Fine, if that's the way you're playing, no one
gets the crystal!" he shouted, dropping the quartz onto the cobblestone court
and pulling out his staff.
     "NOOOO!" the suit blared, lunging once more towards Jack.  A pair of .44
slugs from Sara's gun slammed into its left knee, causing no noticeable
damage but making the suit pitch forward and slam into the stones.
     "Yes," Jack grinned, slamming his iron staff onto the crystal,
pulverizing it.  Then he swung the staff over his head.  "Grow!" he
commanded, and when the staff came down on the mechasuit it was as thick as a
tree trunk.
     Sparks flew as the armor was breached and weapon systems went violently
offline in a cascade of electricity and flame.  A small hatch popped open and
a trio of squirrels raced out of the suit before a small explosion rocked the
interior.   One paused to screech angrily at Jack, probably swearing revenge
or something of that general meaning, but as his translator had been in the
suit Jack couldn't make out actual words.
     "Squirrels?" Jack asked no one in particular.
     While Brother Leo ran over with a bucket of sand to put out the fire,
Sara turned to Charles.  "I think you have some explaining to do...."

DOES CHARLES HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO?

DOES THIS ARC REALLY NEED MORE EXPOSITION, OR CAN WE SKIP IT AND GET ON WITH
     BLOWING MORE THINGS UP IN THE CLIMACTIC BATTLE AGAINST THE DEMONS WHICH
     WAS PROMISED LAST TIME BUT LIKE MANY THINGS IN LIFE GOT PUT OFF?

WILL THE SQUIRRELS GET THEIR REVENGE?

WILL SARA FIND OUT THAT JACK HAS SOME EXPLAINING TO DO TOO?

As much of this as I can get around to, on the next...SUPERGUY!

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Author's Notes:

     [Hi, this is Ed.  The Author seems to have been dragged off by a
rampaging horde of squirrels.  I'm not sure who even wrote this episode, but
I'm sure miffed he didn't let me have any footnotes!  The union will hear
about this! - Ed.]