🚀 go-pugleaf

(continued from part one...)

                                   ==(.*.)==

     "And now... daytime's most obtuse talk sensation... a truth-missing,
reality-ignoring journalist, ready to exceed even the sternest suspension
of disbelief!  Here he is... Kent Clark!"
     Kent walked in front of the stage, waving to the audience, which was
chanting for him.  At least, it sounded like they were chanting for him.
He wondered if that meant he was gaining a cult following.
     "Welcome to Friday's show!" he exclaimed, shaking a number of the
chanters but only marginally affecting the chanting.  "Today on 'Kent!' we
have a very special interview with none other than Mighty Guy himself!"
He turned to the stage, microphone outstretched, and saw that it was empty
of everything save an extra-large nerf chair.  "Er... none other than
Mighty Guy himself!"  Again, 'Mighty Guy' failed to show.  "Um... perhaps
after this commercial break...."
     "Here I am!" a voice came from behind the far stage wall.  Commander
Frank, his meaty form shifted to resemble Mighty Guy's, emerged, trailing
purple and orange food dye in his footsteps.  "Sorry, just a bit of a
problem with the... er, hello!"
     "Welcome!" Kent exclaimed, taking Frank's hand and shaking it.
Naturally, it came right off, a fact Frank covered by growing another one
then and there.  Kent hid the hand he had wrenched off behind his back and
smiled at the cameras.  "Today the entire nation is watching, waiting to
hear you answer a variety of questions concerning your extraordinary life
and person!  But please, have a seat!"  As Frank moved to sit down, Kent
stepped behind him and smushed the extra hand into the small of Frank's
back.  Not expecting the move, Frank stumbled forward, falling onto the
chair and subsequently onto the ground.  Nevertheless, he managed to
reabsorb the meat and climb back up.
     "Thank you!" Frank replied, as loudly as he could manage.  "I am eager
to answer the public's questions!"
     "Very well, Mighty Guy...."
     "Please, call me Cue Ball!" Frank told him.  "That is, after all, the
name my Heliumite parents gave me!"
     "You mean Cure-All, don't you?" Kent corrected.
     "Um... yes, that's right!"  Frank replied.  He put his hand in front
of his mouth and whispered, "you could have written your notes a bit more
legibly."
     "Tell us about life on Planet Helium!" Kent exclaimed.  "It must have
been incredibly idyllic!"
     "Indeed it was," Frank answered.  "Why, my father, Boron--"
     "Bore-All," Kent noted.
     "--and my mother, Nausea--"
     "Lawsya."
     "Look, *Mister* Clark," Frank snarled.  "*I'm* answering the
questions, *if* that's all right with you, you media vulture."
     "Er," Kent, a bit taken aback, replied.  "Of course!  Let's move on
from your past to the present.  What do you see as the greatest dangers
facing Megapolis right now?"
     "There's crime--" Frank started.
     "Indeed!  Why, did you know that crime used to be the number one
concern of the average Megapolis citizen until you returned?  Now it's
health care!  Can you imagine that?"
     "Easily.  Er, I mean, really?  How interesting!"
     "Quite!  According to--"
     "Waiting!" a new voice exclaimed.  Both Kent and Frank turned to see
the voice's source -- a very large man clad in clashing purple-and-orange
attire, with disheveled hair that appeared to have been spray-painted
midnight blue.  "He not real Mighty Guys!  I is real Mighty Guys!"
     Behind Kent, the audience started cheering wildly.

                                   ==(.*.)==

     <<Um, Trudy...>> JOEL started.
     "Hang on," Trudy Galloway, aka Unorthodox Girl of the Adjusted League
Unimpeachable, said, as she sprinkled crushed nut particles on her sundae
with what looked for all the world to be a random toss, despite the fact
that the pieces landed to form three perfect lines.  "This has to be just
right...."
     "You're missing it!" Kev Murphy called from the living room.  "Jif
just beat the leading peanut butter!"
     "And it's Bounty to the rescue!" Trace Beaulieu added.  "Will the
drama never end?"
     <<That's not what's happening, guys,>> JOEL chided.  <<And you do want
to see this, Trudy.>>
     "Okay, okay," Trudy said with a sigh.  She entered the tv room
carrying her unfinished sundae, stopping when she saw the television
screen.  She looked at the 'bots, Trace and Kev, questions on her face.
     "Don't ask us," Kev told her.  "We think its sweeps week."
     "Either that or he has brothers," Trace added.
     On the screen were two figures who were trying to resemble Mighty Guy,
with varying degrees of success.  A third figure, the actual Mighty Guy in
his Kent Clark guise, was apparently trying to decide how to react to the
situation.
     "I hesitate to ask, JOEL," Trudy said, setting her sundae down.  "But
what's going on?"
     <<Kent's interviewing Commander Frank, who apparently agreed to
impersonate him.  The new one I don't recognize, but I'd speculate he could
be Bizarre Guy.  Or possibly Kim Cattrall, though I think that's a
stretch.>>
     "But Bizarre Guy *was* Mighty Guy," Trudy said.  "That can't be him!"
     "It's celebrity impersonator Rich Little!" Kev Murphy cheered.
     "Is no one safe from his wit?" Trace asked.  The camera panned over
the cheering audience, most of whom Trudy recognized as being members of
SNUCCI.  JOEL came to the same conclusion and told her so.
     "We should do something," Trudy said, firmly.
     "Like what?" Trace asked.  "Moon 'em?"
     <<We could put their hands in warm water,>> JOEL suggested.
     "I've got it!" Trudy said, snapping her fingers.
     "Well, don't give it to us!" Kev told her, moving away.

                                   ==(.*.)==

     Phil chuckled at Kent Clark's obvious discomfort at his clone's sudden
appearance.  He had been worried when the interview started and Bizarre Guy
hadn't shown up, but decided the Addled Arse had just gotten lost on his
way to the studio.
     "Um," Kent said, while trying to cope with the fact of the new
arrival.  "You're... Mighty Guy?"
     "Yeses!" the new arrival answered.  "That are I!  Ands I can prove
its!"
     "Hardly!" the other 'Mighty Guy,' who smelled strongly of Brut, even
over the distance from the stage to the audience seats, where Phil was,
challenged.  "Mighty Guy knows-- I mean, I know how to use my verb tenses!"
     "Do not!"
     "Do too!"
     "Not!"
     "Ahem!" Kent exclaimed.  "I don't know who you are, newcomer, but I
know you're not the real Mighty Guy!  As a longtime friend of Mighty Guy's,
I think I know him quite well, and I tell you that *he* is Mighty Guy!"
Kent pointed to the meaty impersonator.  Phil chuckled.
     "There are but one ways to be prove it!" Bizarre Guy countered.  "Asks
us question, with stuff only Mighty Guys would be to know!"
     "Er," Kent said, slowly.  "Okay.  First question... who are Mighty
Guy's parents?"
     "Boron and Nausea," the impersonator replied, wincing as he finished
answering.
     "Bore-All ands Lawsya," Bizarre Guy answered, smartly.
     "Ehrm," Kent said.  "Right.  Next question... what is his favorite
food?"
     "Hawaiian pizza," the impersonator suggested.
     "Pez!" Bizarre Guy exclaimed.
     "Ooh, a tie on that one!" Kent replied.  "Okay, let's see... for what
does Mighty Guy use ice cubes from his special Heliumite tray?"
     "Ah... keeping drinks cold?" the impersonator asked.
     "It depend," Bizarre Guy answered.  "Is MeltDown present?"
     "Um... yes," Kent said, clearly flustered.
     "Then it obvious!" Bizarre Guy said, beaming.  "He use it to keep
*her* drink cold!"
     "Actually, it's to contact the spirits of his dead parents..." Kent
started.
     "Excuse me," a voice rang out over the p.a. system.  "We have a caller
with a question, Kent."
     "Great!" Kent exclaimed, sounding more eager than really necessary.
"Caller, go ahead!"
     "Hi, this is Trudy from Boston..."
     "Trudy?" Kent asked.  "From Boston?"
     "Yeah.  I've got a question I'm sure can determine which of the two
Mighty Guys on your stage is the real one...."
     "*The* Trudy from Boston?"
     "Get over it, Kent."
     "Right," Kent said.  "Ask your question, caller who is Trudy from
Boston who I've never met before!"
     "Okay... Mighty-Guy-1 and Mighty-Guy-2, this is for both of you.  The
code-name of the member of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable most known for
her unorthodox methods of crimefighting is... what?"
     "Unorthodox Lass!" the impersonator declared.
     "Unorthodox Girl!" Bizarre Guy exclaimed.
     "Lass!" Trudy replied.  "Mighty-Guy-1 wins!"
     "What?" Phil asked, as the impersonator waved his clasped hands above
his head triumphantly while Bizarre Guy looked befuddled in the general
direction of the ceiling.  "Damn!  We've been found out!  Bizarre Guy!
SNUCCI!  Attaaaaaaaaaack!"

                                   ==(.*.)==

     "No," Flores whispered, as the audience rose en masse and started
shambling towards the stage, upon which one of the Mighty Guys was
advancing on Kent, ignoring the other Mighty Guy.  "I can't lose my once
chance to put Mighty Guy into a helpless position where he'll be forced to
once and for all tell me his true identity."  She looked around at her
henchman and frowned -- they too were paralyzed by what they saw.
     Quickly she ducked into her office, where she pulled her sequined
cape and mask out of a desk drawer and put them on.  Thusly disguised as
Legs Luther, she strode out, metal box in hand.
     "Don't just stand there, my minions!" she yelled.  "Stop them!"
     "Which them?" Bill Sutton asked.  "The advancing cultists or the
Mighty Guys on stage?"
     "Take your pick!"
     Predictably, Bill, along with Lienna Banks and the rest of Legs
Luther's henchmen, decided to take on the less painful of the two hazards
and attacked the advancing cultists, who had already reached the stage.
Flores smiled.  The battle would cover her movements as she advanced on the
stage.
     "Come heres!" one of the two possible Mighty Guy candidates ordered at
Kent.  "You is to serve SNUCCI forever!  I, Bizarre Guy, shall be bring you
overs!"
     SNUCCI, Flores thought, sourly.  Of course.  They wanted to convert
Kent, a talk show host, to their cause.  Ordinarily, she wouldn't
interfere, but the cultists' plan was interfering with hers, and hers was
what really mattered.  Fortunately, she was now within range.
     She opened the box, exposing all on stage to the Heliumite within.
     "Urk!" Kent exclaimed, as he began shaking violently.
     "Woog!" Bizarre Guy exclaimed, doing something similar.
     "Um," 'Mighty Guy' said, looking at the two.  "What's with you?"
     "I don't know what's with them, Mighty Guy," Legs snarled, causing
'Mighty Guy' to whirl around to face her.  "But I do know that this paisley
heliumite will be your downfall, and will force you to reveal your true
identity!"
     "What?"
     "You heard me!  In fact, the heliumite should be affecting you right
now!"
     "That's not paisley."
     "Yes it is!"
     "That's an art deco pattern on that heliumite.  Not paisley at all."
     "It was labeled 'paisley!'"
     "It was?  Oh."  With that, 'Mighty Guy' collapsed to the ground.  "Oh,
dear," he said with a certain lack of alacrity.  "That paisley heliumite
has weakened me.  What am I to do?"
     "You will tell me your-- whoof!"
     "'Scuse us, coming through!" Jay Leno whined, as he, Conan O'Brien and
Regis Philbin knocked her down, on their way to jumping Kent Clark.  Flores
toppled and her head struck the stage.
     As she slipped into unconsciousness, she heard both Kent and Bizarre
Guy emit loud keening sounds.

                                   ==(.*.)==

     "You know," Shadebeam opined, between handfuls of popcorn, "this could
be serious."
     "Repercussions," Kaoru noted, nodding.
     "Lots of 'em," Yury Mitsuke, who was seated on the couch between them,
added.  "Should we do something about it?"
     "Pro Bowling's on 5," Shadebeam pointed out.
     "That's not what I meant."
     They thought about it for a while, as they watched talk show hosts
and stagehands engage in combat, while Mighty Guy and Bizarre Guy wailed.
A few seconds later, the large duo stopped wailing.  Mighty Guy abruptly
departed, sending talk show host parts and camera equipment flying in his
wake.  Bizarre Guy stared vacuously at the camera, his hair suddenly
growing like a mutant chia pet with mange.
     Mighty Guy returned to the screen moments later, wearing an ill-
fitting white captain's outfit and carrying a piano with his right hand.
He set the piano down in the middle of the battle and started playing,
scarcely noticing that, having damaged the piano severely during his
transporting of it from wherever it had come from resulted in it producing
sounds not unlike gerbils being scratched against a blackboard.  Bizarre
Guy began dancing clumsily, and the combatants that had not been knocked
over by Mighty Guy's departure and arrival stopped their fighting and
looked at the two with sincere puzzlement.
     Then, Bizarre Guy began to sing.
     "That does it," Shadebeam decided, quickly.  "Pro bowling it is."

                                   ==(.*.)==

     It was difficult to stay in one shape, let alone conscious and
coherent, as the sound pummeled his meaty form, but Commander Frank forced
himself to cope.  Those above and around him were having a considerably
worse time of it, judging from their screams of terror.
     "Iiiiiii wiiiiiiilllll," sang Bizarre Guy, "be there to stay
forever... love will keep us together...."
     Frank shifted to his regular, USDA-approved heroic form and grabbed
the shoulders of one of the non-talk-show-host combatants.  He looked at
her work badge to get her name -- Lienna Banks.
     "What's going on?" he demanded.
     "...when those sweet talkin' girls come along, singin' a song..."
     "It's the heliumite!" Lienna gasped.  "It happened the moment she
opened up the box!"
     "...stay close to me and you won't here a sound..."
     Frank looked down at the chunk of art deco heliumite, and immediately
realized the horrific truth of the danger they were in.
     "Just stop... stop!... 'cause I really love you..."
     "The heliumite has changed Mighty Guy into The Captain!" Frank
exclaimed.  "And it's turned Bizarre Guy into Tenille!"
     "...stop!... I been thinkin' of you..."
     Realizing they only had seconds left, Frank lunged at the art deco
heliumite, determined to grab it and hurl it out of the building with as
much force as he could muster.  Unfortunately, it was around then that
Mighty Guy decided it was time to boogie.
     As the studio, indeed, the entire building, began to shudder
violently, several large chunks of plaster started raining down, several of
them hitting Frank and pinning him to the floor.
     "...lllloook at my heart it's in love!... keep us togeeeeether...
whatevah...."
     "Run away!" he heard Percy Grey shout above the carnage.
     "I will!  I will!  I will!  Iiiii wiiiillllll...."

(concluded in part three, following...)
--
Gary W. Olson    swede@shell.sojourn.com    swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
                      http://www.sojourn.com/~swede