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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 123)
   August 25, 2003
   Moore's Monument Edition

   This week's list is a monument to conservative idiocy. And like Roy
   Moore's granite behemoth, our list has exactly 10 items. In the number
   one slot, is Judge Moore himself, who seems to have nothing but
   contempt for the rule of law. But at least he hasn't killed anybody,
   which we can't say for Rep. Bill "leadfoot" Janklow (3). Fox News (4,
   9) makes two appearances on the list this week, for losing its "fair
   and balanced" court case and for showing itself to be anything but
   fair and balanced with regard to the California recall election. And
   if you didn't think this list was great already, we've got two
   appearances by Dubya (2, 8), plus Taco Bell (5) and the Nuge(6).
   Enjoy...

   1 Roy Moore     Unconstitutional Religious Nut
   So, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling and a busload of arrested protesters
   later, Roy Moore still hadn't removed his enormous Ten Commandments
   monument from the Alabama Judicial Building. Even an Alabama Supreme
   Court decision by the eight other justices overruling Moore didn't
   convince him to change his mind. And now Moore's Monument is becoming
   something of a battle between religious fundies who think that the
   world is going to explode if the monument is removed, and the rest of
   the planet who thinks that Justice Roy Moore is a maniac who should
   probably be kicked out of his judicial position once and for all. I
   mean, this is the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court we're
   talking about here, and the guy won't obey the law he's supposed to
   uphold. Instead he keeps rattling on about a "higher law" which, while
   all well and good, isn't actually the law of the land. But what's
   really sad about this story is that it appears to be turning into
   nothing more than a vehicle for Roy Moore to promote himself. In a
   speech in front of the monument last week he mentioned God 12 times
   and himself 21 times. And now he's been suspended from the Supreme
   Court, the real question is: anyone want to bet against Roy Moore
   running for governor of Alabama in the not-too-distant future?

   2 George W. Bush      Warmongering Dumb
   Thank goodness Our Great Leader is in charge of our national security
   and bringing world peace. He's doing such a great job so far. You only
   have to look at last week's bombing of the UN building in Iraq (which
   killed 23 people including the UN's top envoy in Iraq, Sergio Vieira
   de Mello) to see what kind of progress we're making. With surprising
   speed, the Pentagon rushed out the explanation that al Qaeda were
   responsible for the bombing (see - we told you that al Qaeda was in
   Iraq!!) - although recent news reports suggest that in fact the
   bombing could have been an inside job pulled off by members of
   Saddam's former security service. Meanwhile, on the same day as the UN
   blast in Iraq a suicide bomber killed 18 people in Israel, whisking
   Bush's largely symbolic road map out the window and blowing it onto
   the shoulder. And where was Bush while all this was going on? Well,
   during the recent blackout of the northeast Our Great Leader had to
   tear himself away from a fundraiser to address the nation. This week
   he was unfortunately in the middle of a round of golf, which he had to
   abandon to take a phone call from Kofi Annan. Incidentally, Mr. Annan
   immediately cut short his vacation to deal with the crisis. But
   nothing was going to come between George W. Bush and his vacation,
   which resumed shortly after the phone call. Ah, George must have
   thought after hanging up and sinking into his easy chair, mission
   accomplished.

   3 Bill Janklow     Accident/Medical
   Bill Janklow is the only congressman from (and former governor of)
   South Dakota, and is what we like to think of as a "typical
   Republican" - a conservative who tells people to do what he says, not
   what he does. For example, speaking in favor of mandatory drug
   sentencing in his 1999 State of the State address, he offered this
   analogy: "Bill Janklow speeds when he drives - shouldn't but he does.
   When he gets the ticket, he pays for it, but if someone told me I was
   going to jail for two days for speeding, my driving habits would
   change." Perhaps somebody should have told Bill Janklow that he was
   going to jail for two days instead of simply fining him for 12
   speeding tickets in 11 counties between 1990 and 1994. Because if his
   driving habits had changed, he might not have been doing 75mph in a
   55mph zone before he blew through a stop sign, hitting and killing a
   motorcyclist last week. Sadly it's a bit late now. But perhaps the
   possibility of a second-degree manslaughter charge will change Bill's
   driving habits. After all, it's hard to speed when you're behind bars.

   4 Fox News    Dumb Hypocrisy
   "There are hard cases and there are easy cases," said the judge in the
   Fox News Fair and Balanced case against Al Franken. "This is an easy
   case. This case is wholly without merit, both factually and legally."
   This appears to be the end for one of the most ridiculous lawsuits in
   recent memory. (Why in the heck would a news organization be trying to
   chip away at the first amendment? You decide.) Interestingly, we hear
   that Fox News have recently been running ads on their network for
   Hannity & Colmes, featuring Dennis Miller. The ads reportedly contain
   the line, "It's Miller Time." So what's going on here? Was Fox News's
   lawsuit really a principled defense of the trademark holder's sacred
   rights? Or are they just a hypocritical right-wing propaganda outlet
   that's full of shit? We report, you... oh, never mind.

   5 Taco Bell    Dumb Excessive Spin
   Just when you thought the recall situation in California couldn't get
   any more ridiculous, here comes Taco Bell. Their latest scheme is to
   encourage people to buy one of their food products and Taco Bell will
   cast a "vote" on their website for the candidate which that food
   product represents. Unfortunately Taco Bell's bias is showing. First
   of all, they've only got three options in their promotion - Arnold
   Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis, and, um, "one of the other 134
   candidates." Ri-ight. Arnold's food product is the beef crunchy taco.
   Got that? That's beef as in man-mountain, and crunchy as in hard
   stuff. Gray Davis's food product is the chicken soft taco. That's
   chicken as in, um, chicken, and soft as in, well, soft. Oh, and is
   there any doubt that beef crunchy taco is Taco Bell's best-selling
   item? Gee, I wonder what the results of their "election" will be. Not
   that it really matters anyway - cast a Taco Bell vote for Gray Davis,
   Arnold Schwarzenegger or any of the other 134 candidates and chances
   are you'll spend the rest of the afternoon on the toilet.

   6 Ted Nugent    Racism
   Frivolous lawsuits seem to be the order of the day for wingnuts right
   now. Following in the footsteps of Fox News comes Ted Nugent, famed
   guitarist/hunter/conservative nutjob. The Nuge is suing the City of
   Muskegon, MI, Mayor Stephen Warmington, City Manager Bryon Mazade and
   Meridian Entertainment for canceling some concert or other that he was
   supposed to be putting on. Boy, how the mighty have fallen. Anyway,
   Nugent got his concert canceled because of comments he made on a radio
   show back in May (see Idiots 109) - nothing major, he was just
   explaining that the words "Jap," "Gook," and "Nigger" weren't
   offensive. Unfortunately a lot of people found this, um, offensive,
   and now it seems that The Nuge is having some difficulty getting a
   gig. The particularly stupid thing about this lawsuit is that Nugent
   is suing the City of Muskegon because they have "damaged his
   reputation and career." No, no, no, Ted - that's what you did. And
   that's why they canceled your show. Get it?

   7 New York Port Authority     Homophobia
   You'd think the New York Port Authority would have better things to do
   than track down and persecute police officers who appear on television
   shows. Unless of course the television show in question happens to
   feature - gasp - gay men! Port Authority police officer John Verdi got
   into a spot of hot water last week when he appeared on "Queer Eye for
   the Straight Guy," and two of the cast surreptitiously tried on his
   police uniform. This shocking abuse of police property was too much
   for the Port Authority, and Verdi is now "under scrutiny" because,
   according to the Washington Post, he "didn't get clearance to say he
   was a police officer on television, and that he shouldn't have let a
   civilian wear his uniform." Damn, Port Authority, how right you are! I
   mean, isn't it obvious that the transgressions of this evil, evil man
   could potentially lead to the downfall of western civilization?
   Sheesh...

   8 George W. Bush (again)    Fiscal Irresponsibility
   In the wake of two enormous tax cuts which have so far failed to
   stimulate the economy, George W. Bush has a splendid new economic plan
   to fix the country's monetary woes. Can you guess what it is? That's
   right - more tax cuts! "As we stand right now, I believe the tax
   relief packages we have in place are doing their job. But I'm a
   flexible person. I want to make sure that the conditions for economic
   growth and vitality are strong," spake Dubya before heading off on yet
   another round of golf. If George thinks the tax cuts are doing their
   job, perhaps he should get off the damn golf course and go speak to
   the millions of people around the country who don't have a job any
   more because of his policies. Mind you, the good news is that the
   latest Zogby poll has Our Great Leader teetering on the brink -
   according to last week's poll a mere 52% now approve of Bush. Not only
   that but only 45% think he deserves re-election (or election, as the
   case may be) whereas 48% want someone new. So he'd better hurry up if
   he wants to enact more fabulous economy-saving tax cuts before he gets
   his ass kicked out the door in 2004.

   9 Fox News (again)    Excessive Spin Partisanship
   Drudge is reporting that Fox News has ordered a moratorium on
   Schwarzenegger movie puns in the network's coverage of the California
   recall election. According to a memo from Fox News senior vice
   president John Moody, the effect of the puns "is often to belittle the
   candidacy of the front-runner for one of the most important offices in
   the U.S., and that's not fair and balanced. No more references to
   'Conan,' 'Terminator,' and 'Kindergarten Cop' as shorthand for the
   candidate." I guess the GOP whores at Fox realized that Arnold's
   candidacy isn't the sure thing they've been making it out to be. The
   groping Austrian Beefcake isn't a "novelty candidate" but a serious
   candidate: "He is now undertaking a very serious mission and we want
   people to be told all about it." Whoops! I guess their bias is
   showing. I wonder if they'll be giving the same deference to the very
   serious mission that the incumbent governor and lieutenant governor
   are undertaking...

   10 Arnold Schwarzenegger    Dumb Dumb 
          And finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger made a bold political
   move last week by hiring top political advisor Sam Seaborn, former
   deputy communications director to President Jed Bartlett. Despite
   Seaborn's slightly tarnished reputation due to allegations of an
   affair with a call girl, he is expected to bring a wealth of
   experience to the Schwarzenegger campaign. An obviously confident
   Schwarzenegger has already begun looking for potential political
   appointees if he becomes governor, and is rumored to be interested in
   tapping Captain Stubing to head the California Transportation
   Commission, Roscoe P. Coltrane as Attorney General, and Quincy, M.E.
   as chief of the Health and Human Services Agency. See you next week!

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
         http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html  
  ______________________________________________________________________
  
  "It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left 
  here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion
  and their belief in "freedom," helped change America."              
                                      G 'Too Stupid to be President' W