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eye WEEKLY                                            September 1 1994
Toronto's arts newspaper                      .....free every Thursday
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ROLLING EYE                                                ROLLING EYE
 
                            TRASH COMPACTOR

                                  by
                            WILLIAM BURRILL


                           NATIONAL ENQUIRER


POW! TWO-FISTED TONYA HARDING FIGHTS BACK

Skater Tonya lands on her feet and scores a gig in a feature-length 
action movie, playing a feisty waitress who gets mixed up with the 
mob and beats the shit out of simply everybody (after she boffs 
them). Break a leg, Tonya!

TONY CURTIS, 69, DATING 23-YEAR-OLD PORN QUEEN

Is 69 his age or his favorite position?

LISA MARIE IN 4-HOUR PLASTIC SURGERY DRAMA ... after Michael 
talks her into it!

Lisa Marie consents to a boob job -- just like the one hubby got last 
year.


                               EXAMINER


JIM CARREY UNMASKED! Shocking hidden past of Hollywood's hottest 
star -- comic used hookers, pills and shrinks to banish the blues!

Toronto boy freaks out in Tinseltown after going through Molson 
Export withdrawal.

STAR TREK GOGGLES LET THE BLIND SEE! Astounding new breakthough!

... but all they get are reruns.


                                  SUN


PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF 1994! Three psychics reveal future!
Space aliens will avert nuclear war when they disarm North Korea ... 
JFK will be re-elected president after scientists clone him from a 
piece of his brain tissue ... Burt Reynolds will throw away his rug ... 
Lassie will be the first dog to get a speaking role in a movie after 
vets perfect a doggie vocal chord transplant ... Madonna will become 
a nun ... A new ice age will come to Canada ... A cure for AIDS will be 
found in remotest Africa -- and so much more, all before the end of 
the year!

(Jesus. Talk about a big whack of bullshit. Do they really expect us 
to believe that Burt Reynolds would throw away his rug?)

HUMONGOUS HAMSTER TERRORIZES TOWN! 150-pound mutant kills 
dogs and cattle!

Huge Hammy goes berserk in Mexico and police don't know how to 
capture it. As a former hamster owner, might I suggest leading the 
the thing to the nearest ferris wheel?

MEN WILL BECOME EXTINCT!

Men will soon be going the way of the dinosaur, the dodo and the 
Edsel, scientists warn, although they're not so sure about Richard 
Simmons....


                                 GLOBE


JFK JR. DUMPS DARYL FOR BLONDE LOOK-ALIKE

I guess you tend to go for copies when your dad is cloned from a 
piece of brain tissue.

HOW TO TRAIN A MAN LIKE A DOG! "Never wait to act on punishment! 
Immediately rub his nose in the mess he's made."

Oh yeah? You'll be sorry when Richard Simmons is the last man on 
Earth!


                            WEEKLY WORLD NEWS


ELVIS TELLS LISA MARIE: DIVORCE MICHAEL! 59-year-old King speaks 
for first time since he faked his death in 1977!

Recent photo not only proves that Elvis is still alive, but that he 
looks exactly like another famous recluse, Salman Rushdie. Could 
they be ... nah!

KEEP WOMEN OFF THE ROADS WHEN MEN ARE DRIVING! Don't let them 
drive during rush hours! Give gals their own driving lane!

But progressive newspaper is willing to allow women on the roads 
during off hours because it concedes "someone has to drive the kids 
to school and go to the store for groceries."

GRIM REAPER APPEARS IN DETROIT HOSPITAL! WORLD PHOTO 
EXCLUSIVE! Hooded figure claims patient's soul from operating room 
table!

Geez. Photos don't lie. Either that is the Grim Reaper in that hood or 
Jacques Plante has joined the Ku Klux Klan.

SMOKING IS GOOD FOR YOU, STUDIES PROVE! Go ahead ... light up! 
Far from being bad for you, cigarettes actually prevent everything 
from cancer to Alzheimer's disease, highly scientific study proves 
conclusively. Couple this shocking report with other recent medical 
news and you come up with the perfect diet for a long, healthy life: 
Make sure you get your 'three 'B's' every day -- Butts, Booze 'n' 
Bufferin.

Now excuse me while I go do some medical research.


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