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eye WEEKLY                                                July 21 1994
Toronto's arts newspaper                        ...free every Thursday
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ROLLING EYE                                                ROLLING EYE

                            TRASH COMPACTOR

                                  by
                            WILLIAM BURRILL 


                               THE STAR

CINDY CRAWFORD: HUBBY WON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY -- AND IT'S 
WRECKING OUR MARRIAGE 
Supermodel opens up in tell-all interview
Leggy Crawford is growing increasingly pissed off with leggy hubby 
Richard Gere, who seems oddly distant. And she can't understand why 
Gere recently spend $30,000 for a full-page ad in the Times of 
London to deny that he is gay. My advice: Dump him, Cindy. He's a 
loser.

JIM BAKKER BLOWS UP OVER TAUNTS ABOUT TAMMY FAYE
Tears of a Clown Dept.: As he leaves jail the dorky spellbinder howls 
to halfway house cons, "She left me! But I'll get even!" Jesus, Jimbo. 
Count your blessings. My advice: Dump her. She's a bimbo.

DI ADMITS: I JUST HATE SEX 
Revealed at last -- the real reason Prince Charles cheated.
"I just don't like sex," Di tells a close friend. "I don't see what all 
the fuss is about." Close friend spills the beans to the tabloids, 
adding that Di and Chuck haven't had sex for five years. My advice: 
Dump him, Di. He wears a dress.

                            NATIONAL ENQUIRER

PREGNANT WYNONNA JUDD DUMPS FATHER OF HER LOVE CHILD
At least somebody listens to me.

"AVENGERS" STAR PATRICK MACNEE'S SHOCKING CONFESSION: I WAS 
RAISED BY LESBIAN LOVERS WHO NEVER LET ME WEAR PANTS
Wow. My mother must be a lesbian too because I don't wear pants 
either, after a few beers.

                                EXAMINER

CATFIGHT! FARRAH FAWCETT REFUSES TO END HER 24-YEAR FEUD 
WITH RAQUEL WELCH
Farrah and Raquel have been battling since Raquel tried to have 
Farrah dumped from a movie Raquel starred in and Farrah had a bit 
part in but then Farrah became famous and snubbed Raquel and when 
Raquel tried to patch things up with Farrah, Farrah told Raquel to 
basically take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. Or something like 
that.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS! 
Hungry puppy ate bride-to-be's engagement ring -- then all she could 
do was wait.
With this piece of dog shit I thee wed ...

OOPS! I STABBED MY DADDY! THREE-YEAR-OLD JULIANA KNIFES HER 
SLEEPING DAD!
Kids do the cutest things.

                          WEEKLY WORLD NEWS

TALKING CAT SPEAKS ITS FIRST SENTENCE
Tommy's first sentence was "Kitty want milk." NO, you stupid little 
hairball. It's "Kitty WANTS milk."

ELECTRIFYING BOOK BLOWS LID OFF TOP SECRET CIA PROBE! HITLER, 
ELVIS & J.F.K. ARE ALIVE? 
Yes, but they're dead drunk most of the time.

DEPRESSED PEOPLE ARE WIMPS, SAYS NEW STUDY
Scientists studied 987 depressed people for eight years and came to 
this clinical conclusion: "They're just weak, snivelling wimps."

"HEAVEN HAS A TWO-DAY WAITING LIST," SAYS CHICAGO MINISTER -
- AND THE LINE IS SIX BLOCKS LONG
Too bad all the scalpers go to hell.

HOW TO TURN ANY MAN INTO A SLAVE! IT'S JUST LIKE TRAINING A 
DOG!
Yeah, but you'll be sorry when he eats your wedding ring and then 
shits it back out. "Doggie want beer."

BIZARRE DISEASE MAKES VICTIMS CARRY SPATULAS!
Hey, don't call it "bizarre," you asshole, or I'll slap you silly with 
my spatula.


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