🚀 go-pugleaf

Aqua (reif_andrea@tandem.com) wrote:
: dickerso@netcom.com (Mike Dickerson) wrote:

: > Shirley Lee (jolee@cts.com) wrote:
: > : Aqua <reif_andrea@tandem.com> wrote:

: > : >that's always a risk for both sides anyway.  I still feel really bad
: > : >when my initial feeling of "no fireworks" turns out to be right and 
: > : >I'm put in the position of hurting someone.  

: > : Well, you can always try the friend approach...I found once that being
: > : a friend to someone who doesn't initially cause fireworks is nice and
: > : sometimes the fireworks develope later in the relationship...and you
: > : haven't lost anything if it doesn't work...you just have a good
: > : friend. 
:  
: Not really, unless the other person values the friendship and isn't
: biding his time to get you in bed.

This is the key, finding people who actually value the friendship.
Men and women can both have this problem.  Attractive women
may find that men pretend to be their friend to get them in bed.
Successful men may find women pretending to be a friend or lover
to gain certain advantages like a nicer place to live, a better
job, or whatever.  It goes back to the sex objects vs. success
objects which is an over generalization, and does not apply
to many people, but it is something to be aware of, because it
does exist, and anyone can end up being used.

: > Aaaaaaaaaaaagh.  Not the dreaded 'let's just be friends'.
: > This is far worse than telling a guy to just buzz off.  It
: > usually comes off sounding like the woman pities the poor
: > socially inadequate guy.  Nobody wants that kind of pity.

: Then what would you suggest as a solution to the problem I posed:
: How to not be a slave to initial attraction to the wrong people.

This can certainly be a difficult thing.  I don't pretend to
have a magic answer.  My preferred solution is to do things 
that are interesting to me.  The people I meet that regularly
do the same types of things that I do can then become friends.
Over time, these friendships may or may not develop into
something romantic.  In this case, the friendship can be
developed well enough to handle one person not returning
another person's romantic feelings.

This may be somewhat limiting.  I will tend not to make as many
friends outside of the activities that interest me.  It can
allow me to get to know women in a non-romantic context before
pursuing anything.  

: > At least if you tell a guy to get lost, he can say to himself
: > (and maybe his friends) "what a cold bitch".  This allows
: > him to survive with his ego intact.  

: I guess it's different for men.  For me, anyone who I would want to
: go out with, I would also value having as a friend for many of the
: same reasons I would want to go out with him.  Do men ask women out
: because of looks or sex appeal that they wouldn't be interested in
: having as friends?

Absolutely. Every day. All the time. 

In some situations, there may be brief meetings, that are not
likely to be repeated (bars, parks, parties,...) where a guy asks
a woman out because he thinks she is attractive, and wants to
find out if there is a romantic interest (sometimes the guy just 
wants sex, but that was covered above).  In this case, it is my
experience that a non-romantic friendship is highly unlikely.  

Further, the more the guy has to go out of the way to cultivate
a friendship with a woman, the more likely it is that he wants
to be more than 'just friends'.  Just watch TV and movies, guys
are taught from a young age that this is how to get an uninterested
woman to notice them.

Some male/female friendships *can* be counted on to continue,
regardless of romantic interest.  It all comes back to common
interests.  I will spend time with people who have common interests.
Whether they are male or female, it doesn't matter.  If something
romantic develops with a female participant, so much the better.
In this case, if the guy asks a woman out, they may still be
friends regardless of the woman's interest (or lack of interest).

Mike