🚀 go-pugleaf

"rbwinn" <rbwinn3@juno.com> wrote in message 
news:734f52eb-3809-4c84-a306-14fc0510fa32@d45g2000hsc.googlegroups.com...
On Jul 13, 6:21?pm, "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote:
> "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
>
> news:6du4vgF4ctt4U1@mid.individual.net...
>
>
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>
>
>
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> > "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
> >news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
> >> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> >> "Gerard Hofnung"
>
> > My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> > first visit to the UK:
>
> > The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> > "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
> > the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for 
> > what
> > was once
> > called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> > Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
> > are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he 
> > will
> > be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
> > and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
> > and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking 
> > are
> > also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> > Habits
> > Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> > Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
> > customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
> > siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new 
> > practice
> > in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks,
> > alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
> > are late for supper, simply
> > apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> > understand and forgive you.
>
> > Universities
> > University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
> > quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence 
> > patrons
> > are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a 
> > small
> > knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> > librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> > were, for the rules are unwritten and
> > not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss 
> > the
> > librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> > practice dating
> > back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> > One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
> > Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
> > boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
> > Many of the boats
> > (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> > some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
> > professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging 
> > and
> > would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
> > treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a 
> > good
> > idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions 
> > to
> > the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> > Food
> > British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> > gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
> > the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a 
> > week
> > (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
> > wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of 
> > meat
> > in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
> > Majesty's seal, called the
> > British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, 
> > tell
> > your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> > balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head 
> > imperiously
> > back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> > waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer 
> > to
> > let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> > doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> > steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 
> > or
> > Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
> > will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
> > plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
> > restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> > Transportation
> > Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
> > in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi 
> > driver
> > tries to
> > overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab
> > the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary 
> > to
> > take a taxi,
> > though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
> > requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
> > gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to 
> > the
> > driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will
> > frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go
> > to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
> > American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> > Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
> > moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.
> > It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any
> > local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that 
> > buses
> > are called "prams" in England, and trains are called 
> > "bumbershoots"--it's
> > a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the
> > hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also 
> > very
> > important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> > England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an
> > "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
>
> > For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
> > most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. 
> > Chivalry
> > is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
> > Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
> > escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
> > state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the
> > platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> > Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into 
> > London
> > in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible
> > to
> > exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
> > should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
> > ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
> > drawback to an
> > otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> > locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
> > ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the 
> > bumbershoot.)
>
> > One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> > airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> > Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> > travellers know, this
> > little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> > through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, 
> > in
> > fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your
> > passport, as it will
> > expedite things on your return trip.
>
> > Bollocks to your mum!
> > ("farewell and good health to your family")
>
> LOL!
>
> According to Jasper Carrot, bollocks are what Americans call zits.
>
> Reminds me of the time when I took a college summer holiday job in a 
> Cornish
> hotel.
> The hotel employed lots of foreign workers, anxious to learn English.
> The bell boy was French and we persuaded him that, like "Good day", "Good
> evening", "Good morning", etc., when someone was leaving, it was very 
> polite
> to say "Good riddance."
> We also persuaded a Spanish chambermaid that the things that are put on 
> beds
> are shits, not sheets.
>
Well, I think it is good that you would confess these sins, but,
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What sins?
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really, the people you need to make amends to are the ones to whom you
lied.
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When you make amends to us for your lies, I'll do that.

Smiler,
The godless one
a.a.# 2279