🚀 go-pugleaf

On Jul 13, 3:46 pm, The Natural Philosopher <a...@b.c> wrote:
> rbwinn wrote:
> > On Jul 13, 3:48�am, "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
> >> "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
>
> >>news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
> >>> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> >>> "Gerard Hofnung"
> >> My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> >> first visit to the UK:
>
> >> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> >> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
> >> pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
> >> once
> >> called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> >> Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are
> >> fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be
> >> touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
> >> you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
> >> when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
> >> encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> >> Habits
> >> Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> >> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
> >> such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta ,
> >> which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain,
> >> it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
> >> there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
> >> simply
> >> apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> >> understand and forgive you.
>
> >> Universities
> >> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
> >> medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
> >> expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife
> >> for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> >> librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> >> were, for the rules are unwritten and
> >> not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
> >> librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> >> practice dating
> >> back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> >> One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
> >> is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
> >> you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
> >> boats
> >> (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> >> some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor
> >> or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like
> >> to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
> >> vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a
> >> can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
> >> That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> >> Food
> >> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> >> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
> >> American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
> >> assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
> >> Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
> >> The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
> >> seal, called the
> >> British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
> >> your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> >> balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
> >> back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> >> waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
> >> let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> >> doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> >> steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
> >> Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will
> >> show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
> >> dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant
> >> host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> >> Transportation
> >> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
> >> London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
> >> tries to
> >> overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the
> >> nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a
> >> taxi,
> >> though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests.
> >> Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored
> >> coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
> >> "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to
> >> have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
> >> destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little
> >> does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> >> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
> >> to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be
> >> reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
> >> complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
> >> "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
> >> confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
> >> reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
> >> know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> >> England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP"
> >> (which stands for "master physician").
>
> >> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
> >> economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
> >> alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
> >> Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on
> >> the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
> >> musicians. Once on the
> >> platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> >> Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
> >> in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
> >> exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should
> >> grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
> >> killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to
> >> an
> >> otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> >> locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask
> >> one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>
> >> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> >> airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> >> Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> >> travellers know, this
> >> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> >> through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
> >> fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport,
> >> as it will
> >> expedite things on your return trip.
>
> >> Bollocks to your mum!
> >> ("farewell and good health to your family")
>
> > The more I learn about Europe, the less I want to go there.
>
> Sadly, you haven't learnt anything from te above about Europe at all.
>
> Just one sentence gives the game away.
>
> The one where he mentions the rising dollar, and a shilling being worth
> 17 cents.
>
> The dollar is falling like a shot duck, but even so a shilling - one
> twentieth of a pound, is only worth 10 cents.
>
> But its hard for you to tell fact from fictoin we know, so best have a
> glass of milk and a little lie down, eh?
>
>
Well, unlike atheists, I am not interested in the least about money.
Robert B. Winn