🚀 go-pugleaf

On Jul 14, 11:21 am, "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote:
> "Alex W." <ing...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
>
> news:6du4vgF4ctt4U1@mid.individual.net...
>
>
>
>
>
> > "Smiler" <Smi...@Joe.King.com> wrote in message
> >news:Gbcek.14465$xs1.1778@newsfe28.ams2...
>
> >> All London brothels display a _blue_ lamp.
> >> "Gerard Hofnung"
>
> > My standard first response to American friends who want advice on their
> > first visit to the UK:
>
> > The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> > "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
> > the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
> > was once
> > called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
> > Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
> > are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will
> > be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
> > and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
> > and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are
> > also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> > Habits
> > Ever since the Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> > Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
> > customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
> > siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice
> > in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks,
> > alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
> > are late for supper, simply
> > apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
> > understand and forgive you.
>
> > Universities
> > University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
> > quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons
> > are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small
> > knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
> > librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
> > were, for the rules are unwritten and
> > not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
> > librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
> > practice dating
> > back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
> > One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
> > Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
> > boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
> > Many of the boats
> > (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
> > some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
> > professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
> > would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
> > treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
> > idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to
> > the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> > Food
> > British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> > gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
> > the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
> > (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
> > wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat
> > in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
> > Majesty's seal, called the
> > British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell
> > your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he
> > balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
> > back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
> > waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
> > let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
> > doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
> > steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or
> > Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
> > will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
> > plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
> > restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
> > Transportation
> > Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
> > in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
> > tries to
> > overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab
> > the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to
> > take a taxi,
> > though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
> > requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
> > gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the
> > driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will
> > frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go
> > to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
> > American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> > Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
> > moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.
> > It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any
> > local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses
> > are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's
> > a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the
> > hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very
> > important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in
> > England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an
> > "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
>
> > For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
> > most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry
> > is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the
> > Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
> > escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
> > state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the
> > platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large
> > Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
> > in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible
> > to
> > exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
> > should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
> > ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
> > drawback to an
> > otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
> > locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
> > ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
>
> > One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> > airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
> > Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
> > travellers know, this
> > little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> > through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
> > fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your
> > passport, as it will
> > expedite things on your return trip.
>
> > Bollocks to your mum!
> > ("farewell and good health to your family")
>
> LOL!
>
> According to Jasper Carrot, bollocks are what Americans call zits.
>
> Reminds me of the time when I took a college summer holiday job in a Cornish
> hotel.
> The hotel employed lots of foreign workers, anxious to learn English.
> The bell boy was French and we persuaded him that, like "Good day", "Good
> evening", "Good morning", etc., when someone was leaving, it was very polite
> to say "Good riddance."
> We also persuaded a Spanish chambermaid that the things that are put on beds
> are shits, not sheets.
>
> Smiler,
> The godless one
> a.a.# 2279


A bunch of friends and I, when at uni, convinced a girl that the word
"gullible" wasn't a real word.  Hearing that come back through
completely (well, to us) unrelated people was a good example of how
gullible people really are.  And this was all via other university
students.  Not particularly retarded people.  (Which is not to say
people who can succeed in academia are necessarily smart at anything
else.)

Al