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   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 158)
   June 7, 2004
   Chalabi Damned Edition

   We're back after our holiday break, and it's certainly been an
   eventful couple of weeks. George W. Bush (1) went to Europe, but
   before he left he found time to "distance himself" from former buddy
   Ahmed Chalabi after Chalabi apparently passed sensitive information to
   the Iranians which he received from The White House Mystery Drunk (2).
   Meanwhile Kelli Arena and John Ashcroft (3) spread some unpleasant
   propaganda, Enron (4) was thoroughly embarrassed, and Trent Lott (6)
   weighed in on the Abu Ghraib scandal. Elsewhere, Dana Rohrabacher (7)
   has lost his mind, Team Bush (9) has really gone negative, and Donald
   Rumsfeld (10) is getting shit from his wife. Enjoy, and as usual,
   don't forget the key! PS. If you're looking for stories about Ronald
   Reagan in this week's edition, he "ended communication" a little too
   close to our deadline. Tune in next week for coverage of the fallout
   of St. Ronald's passing.

   1 George W. Bush covering your ass covering your ass excessive spin
   Remember Ken Lay? George Bush doesn't. When Enron imploded back in
   2002 (more on that later in this issue), Our Great Leader pretended
   that he had no idea who this so-called "Ken Lay" was (see Idiots 50)
   despite the fact that Ken Lay was one of his best buddies. And now
   he's at it again - since it was announced that the Pentagon's top man
   in Iraq Ahmed Chalabi was reportedly spying for the Iranians, Bush has
   done his level best to "distance himself" from his former pal. At a
   news conference last week he said, "My meetings with him were very
   brief. I think I met with him at the State of the Union and just, kind
   of, working through the rope line, and he might have come with a group
   of leaders." Oh really? I guess you must have been shitfaced every
   time he exercised his Oval Office privileges then. Or perhaps you
   didn't notice him sitting behind your wife at the State of the Union
   Address this year. Or perhaps it slipped your mind that you've been
   paying his group hundreds of thousands of dollars a month for the last
   several years (see Idiots 145). In fact, it kinda makes you wonder
   whether Bush will be denying the existence of Donald Rumsfeld before
   long. "Hmm, yeah, the name rings a bell. I think I may have spoken
   with him once or twice..."

   2 The White House Mystery Drunk booze booze
   CIA chief George Tenet quit last week, and the question on everyone's
   lips is "Did he fall or was he pushed?" Why the CIA director would
   resign "for personal reasons" five months before a general election is
   a conundrum to most people, and obviously we shall see how this plays
   out politically in the coming weeks. But Tenet's resignation wasn't
   the biggest conundrum of the week. Since it was revealed that Ahmed
   Chalabi passed secrets to the Iranians, a fascinating guessing game
   has gripped Washington: who was the mystery drunk that told Chalabi
   that the CIA had broken the Iranian spy service's secret
   communications code? The New York Times reported last week that in a
   cable to Tehran, an Iranian official "recounted how Mr. Chalabi had
   said that one of 'them' - a reference to an American - had revealed
   the code-breaking operation, the officials said. The Iranian reported
   that Mr. Chalabi said the American was drunk." And so, as a service to
   our readers, we are proud to present:

    The Top Ten Conservative Idiots White House Mystery Drunk Fact Sheet

   Was it Donald Rumsfeld?
   At press conferences Rumsfeld is frequently seen waving his hands in
   the manner of someone frenetically describing last night's basketball
   game to the bartender. He is also in the habit of asking himself
   questions and then answering them: "Will Kobe Bryant's trial affect
   his performance in the finals? Hard to say. Will the Lakers take down
   the Pistons this year? You bet." 
   Favorite tipple: Rum Shooter. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Good.
   Was it Richard Perle?
   Known as the "Prince of Darkness," Perle is the kind of drinker who
   sits by himself at the end of the bar and looks like a respectable old
   gentleman until you realize he'd been getting quietly wasted all
   night. If the only free seat in the entire bar is the one next to him,
   think twice before sitting in it, unless you want to hear long,
   incoherent stories about how much better things were when "the blacks
   knew their place." 
   Favorite tipple: Bloody Mary. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Excellent.
   Was it John Ashcroft?
   A staunch fundamentalist Christian, there's about as much chance of
   John Ashcroft being the White House mystery drunk as there is of the
   next leader of Iraq dying of natural causes. Anointing himself with
   Crisco and believing that calico cats are minions of the devil, yes.
   Getting drunk and giving away important national security information,
   no. 
   Favorite tipple: Holy Water. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Zero.
   Was it Dick Cheney?
   His permanent scowl constantly suggests that he may be about to ask
   the age-old bar-room question, "Are you looking at my girlfriend?"
   (Immediately followed, of course, by the dreaded, "Why not? Are you
   saying there's something wrong with her?") However, since Dick suffers
   from a chronic heart condition his doctors will have surely suggested
   that he not drink alcohol. 
   Favorite tipple: Barbecue Sauce. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Unlikely.
   Was it Condoleezza Rice?
   She spiked the punch back at the senior prom, and now she's the
   National Security Advisor. At dinner parties, Condoleezza likes to hit
   the sauce early and usually ends up being carried out to a cab by
   midnight. She has occasionally been known to mistake the president for
   her nonexistent husband. But is she the White House Mystery Drunk? 
   Favorite tipple: Whatever's in the liquor cabinet. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Impressive.
   Was it George W. Bush?
   He chokes on pretzels, falls off mountain bikes and Segways, has a
   problem with umbrellas, can barely speak without slurring his words,
   and can't appear to find his ass with both hands - but did George W.
   Bush pass crucial top-secret information to Chalabi? Only if you
   believe that his administration actually gives him access to crucial
   top-secret information. 
   Favorite tipple: Coors Light poured through a plastic tube. 
   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Drunk, yes. Mystery, no.

   3 Kelli Arena (and John Ashcroft) excessive spin excessive spin
   excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin
   In a recent CNN segment, Justice Correspondent Kelli Arena made a
   staggering claim: that al Qaeda endorses John Kerry for president.
   During Arena's videotaped report, which discussed whether al Qaeda
   might attack the U.S. again before November's elections, she
   commented, "Neither John Kerry nor the president has said troops
   pulled out of Iraq any time soon. But there is some speculation that
   al Qaeda believes it has a better chance of winning in Iraq if John
   Kerry is in the White House." Oh really? Speculation by whom? Well how
   about Bush's Attorney General John Ashcroft. A couple weeks ago
   Ashcroft announced that the terrorists were definitely attacking this
   summer and we're all going to die, so duck and cover, run to the
   hills, all that good stuff. (Incidentally this was all news to Tom
   Ridge, who had no idea what Ashcroft was talking about). But during
   that announcement, Ashcroft said, "The Madrid railway bombings were
   perceived by Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda to have advanced their
   cause. Al Qaeda may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United
   States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences." Got
   it? If there's another major attack, make sure to vote for the guy who
   let it happen. Otherwise, uh, the terrorists have won. Now, we expect
   this kind of utterly contemptible bullshit from Ashcroft, but to hear
   it bastardized into "there is some speculation that al Qaeda believes
   it has a better chance of winning in Iraq if John Kerry is in the
   White House" is really quite... what am I saying. Obviously we expect
   this kind of utterly contemptible bullshit from CNN as well.

   4 Enron greed greed quid pro quo
   CBS News dropped a bomb on Enron last week after they obtained audio
   tapes of Enron traders discussing such entertaining subjects as how
   Ken Lay "fucks California," how Enron stole money from "Grandma
   Millie," and how Grandma Millie, um, "wants her fucking money back for
   all the power you've charged right up, jammed right up her ass for
   fucking $250 a megawatt hour." Yes, after years of allegations that
   Enron was deliberately defrauding the state of California by causing a
   massive energy crisis, the evidence was made public last week, and it
   wasn't pretty. The energy company's traders were caught ordering power
   plants to be shut down and gloating about a huge forest fire which
   closed a major transmission line into California, as well as
   suggesting that they would "love to see Ken Lay Secretary of Energy,"
   and dreaming about how "When this election comes Bush will fucking
   whack this shit, man. He won't play this price-cap bullshit." Funnily
   enough, Bush gave a speech during the energy crisis in which he said,
   "We will not take any action that makes California's problems worse
   and that's why I oppose price caps." Hmm... isn't that called "aiding
   and abetting?" See, former governor Gray Davis was trying to get Bush
   to impose price caps on electricity in California, but Bush refused.
   Meanwhile Our Great Leader's surrogates were running attack ads
   accusing Davis of failing to protect Californians from rising power
   prices (see Idiots 24). And finally, Davis was ousted by groping
   Austrian beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger, who coincidentally met with
   Enron executives during the energy crisis (Schwarzenegger says he
   doesn't remember the meeting, of course). What a disaster.

   5 Dick Cheney quid pro quo
   Is anyone surprised to learn that a recently-discovered Pentagon email
   may confirm that Dick Cheney actually "coordinated a huge Halliburton
   government contract for Iraq," despite denying any interest in his
   former company? Anyone? Hands up if you think that there is absolutely
   no connection between Vice President Cheney, Halliburton, and the
   invasion of Iraq. Yes, you sir. You at the back. Sorry sir, you'll
   have to speak up. No, I'm sorry, I don't understand you. What's that?
   I'm a fucking what? Un-American what now? I'm sorry sir, it's hard for
   me to understand what you're saying. Slow down. Take a deep breath.
   Wipe your chin. Oh dear, he's passed out. Anyone else?

   6 Trent Lott dumb
   It's been a while since the Mississippi Hair-Helmet last cracked the
   Top Ten - I guess it's harder to get noticed after you've been forced
   to resign from your leadership position in disgrace. But he's back
   with a vengeance this week, all thanks to the Abu Ghraib prison
   scandal. And guess what? Trent is firmly on the side of the wingnuts
   who believe that torturing Iraqis is not a big deal. What a surprise.
   Trent is uncomfortable with the "physical perversion" aspect of the
   torture, but doesn't have a problem with the dog attacks, and the, uh,
   deadly beatings. "Hey, nothing wrong with holding a dog up there,
   unless the dog ate him, scared him with a dog," said he during an
   interview. Uh, Trent, the dog did "eat him" you moron. When asked
   about prisoners who had died from beatings at Abu Ghraib, Trent
   compassionately responded, "This is not Sunday school; this is
   interrogation; this is rough stuff." Fortunately Trent did show a
   little sympathy for the 70%-90% of the Abu Ghraib prisoners who by the
   Red Cross's estimation were innocent civilians. Some of the prisoners
   "should not have been prisoners in the first place..." said Trent.
   Hang on - there's more. "...probably should have been killed." Ah,
   okay. You know what though? I bet if Strom Thurmond were president we
   wouldn't have had all these problems.

   7 Dana Rohrabacher hypocrisy helping the terrorists
   Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) is a fucking idiot. How big of an idiot
   is he? A very big one. Appearing on CNN's Crossfire last week,
   Rohrabacher blamed the Democrats in general and Al Gore in particular
   for September 11. Said he on CNN's Crossfire, "It's the Democratic
   Party and of course it's Al Gore, who knows a lot about incompetence,
   I might add, that got us into this mess; 9/11 was on the way; 9/11 was
   on the way by the time President Bush was inaugurated." Hmm, that's
   odd. See, Dana Rohrabacher used to be a pretty big fan of Osama bin
   Laden's protectors, the Taliban. How big of a fan? Well, a very big
   one. According to a 2002 report in the OC Weekly, Rohrabacher "lobbied
   shamelessly for the Taliban" during the 1990s. In 1996 he wrote an
   article claiming that the "Taliban could provide stability in an area
   where chaos was creating a real threat to the U.S." Later in the
   article he claimed that the Taliban were "not terrorists or
   revolutionaries," that media reports of the Taliban's nutjob religious
   fundamentalism were "nonsense," and that they posed no threat to the
   United States. Look - here's a picture of him in Afghanistan back in
   1988!

   Mind you, on September 11 Rohrabacher did stand before a microphone
   and say "Ive been begging people to do something about Afghanistan,
   and I said if we didnt do anything about the Taliban, we would pay a
   dear price." So there's always the possibility that's he's severely
   mentally ill. Actually it kinda makes you wonder why they let him go
   on television.

   8 The RNC racism racism
   Whoops - looks like the GOP's latest outreach to Latino voters has
   been a bit of a flop. On their website, the Republicans have a page
   where Spanish-speakers can sign up for email newsletters "about the
   topics that most interest you." The page asks interested parties for
   their name, email address, telephone number - typical demographic
   information. Then they ask what your job is. Which is fine, provided
   you're a) war veteran or retired military, b) teacher or educator, c)
   senior citizen, or d) farmer or rancher. Because those are the only
   choices - there's not even an option for "other." Come on GOP, you can
   stereotype better than that. How about including some options for
   fruit-picker, or taco-vendor, or bullfighter? Morons.

   9 Team Bush election stealing lying flip-flopping
   The Washington Post reported last week that Team Bush is "making
   history" with an election campaign of "unprecedented negativity," and
   that the "ferocious Bush assault on Kerry this spring has been
   extraordinary, both for the volume of attacks and for the liberties
   the president and his campaign have taken with the facts." So far Bush
   has aired almost 50,000 negative attack ads against his opponent, 75%
   of his advertising. In contrast, Kerry's ads are 73% positive.
   According to Brown University professor Darrell West, "Bush's level of
   negative advertising is already higher than the levels reached in the
   2000, 1996 and 1992 campaigns." And according to the Post, "The
   campaign ads, which are most scrutinized, have produced a torrent of
   misstatements." All of which is quite interesting in the context of an
   interview Bush gave to David Horowitz back in 1999, where, when asked
   if he had the potential to "reshape the political landscape," he
   responded, "In the course of the campaign, it's the first thing I want
   to do. The second is to elevate the discourse. I'm not going to
   participate in the old Washington, D.C., game of gossip and slander."
   My, how times have changed. That sounds spookily to close to a... dare
   I say it... flip-flop?

   10 Donald Rumsfeld dumb
   And finally, according to the BBC, Donald Rumsfeld reports that his
   wife "often needles him about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden -
   often just after they wake up." Rumsfeld said, "When I walk out of the
   bedroom in the morning, my wife frequently rolls over and says,
   'Where's UBL?'" Crikey. Can you imagine that? I mean, you're one of
   the guys in charge of country, 9/11 happened on your watch, the man
   responsible has disappeared, and your wife nags you about it every
   morning when you get up? Geez, how much more of that is Rumsfeld gonna
   be able to take before he flips out one morning and yells, "HOW MANY
   DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? HE'S IN THE BASEMENT AND HE'S NOT
   COMING OUT UNTIL OCTOBER." See you next week!

   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
        http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
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   "If ye love wealth better than liberty ..
    servitude better than freedom ..
    go home from us in peace.
    We ask not your counsel or your arms ..
    May your chains set lightly upon you.
    May posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."
                                             - Samuel Adams
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