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On 6 Jun 2004 22:17:21 -0600, anon5c6c@nyx.nyx.net (Name withheld by request) wrote:


Off-topic, learn how to post to appropriate newsgroups.


>
>   The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 158)
>   June 7, 2004
>   Chalabi Damned Edition
>
>   We're back after our holiday break, and it's certainly been an
>   eventful couple of weeks. George W. Bush (1) went to Europe, but
>   before he left he found time to "distance himself" from former buddy
>   Ahmed Chalabi after Chalabi apparently passed sensitive information to
>   the Iranians which he received from The White House Mystery Drunk (2).
>   Meanwhile Kelli Arena and John Ashcroft (3) spread some unpleasant
>   propaganda, Enron (4) was thoroughly embarrassed, and Trent Lott (6)
>   weighed in on the Abu Ghraib scandal. Elsewhere, Dana Rohrabacher (7)
>   has lost his mind, Team Bush (9) has really gone negative, and Donald
>   Rumsfeld (10) is getting shit from his wife. Enjoy, and as usual,
>   don't forget the key! PS. If you're looking for stories about Ronald
>   Reagan in this week's edition, he "ended communication" a little too
>   close to our deadline. Tune in next week for coverage of the fallout
>   of St. Ronald's passing.
>
>   1 George W. Bush covering your ass covering your ass excessive spin
>   Remember Ken Lay? George Bush doesn't. When Enron imploded back in
>   2002 (more on that later in this issue), Our Great Leader pretended
>   that he had no idea who this so-called "Ken Lay" was (see Idiots 50)
>   despite the fact that Ken Lay was one of his best buddies. And now
>   he's at it again - since it was announced that the Pentagon's top man
>   in Iraq Ahmed Chalabi was reportedly spying for the Iranians, Bush has
>   done his level best to "distance himself" from his former pal. At a
>   news conference last week he said, "My meetings with him were very
>   brief. I think I met with him at the State of the Union and just, kind
>   of, working through the rope line, and he might have come with a group
>   of leaders." Oh really? I guess you must have been shitfaced every
>   time he exercised his Oval Office privileges then. Or perhaps you
>   didn't notice him sitting behind your wife at the State of the Union
>   Address this year. Or perhaps it slipped your mind that you've been
>   paying his group hundreds of thousands of dollars a month for the last
>   several years (see Idiots 145). In fact, it kinda makes you wonder
>   whether Bush will be denying the existence of Donald Rumsfeld before
>   long. "Hmm, yeah, the name rings a bell. I think I may have spoken
>   with him once or twice..."
>
>   2 The White House Mystery Drunk booze booze
>   CIA chief George Tenet quit last week, and the question on everyone's
>   lips is "Did he fall or was he pushed?" Why the CIA director would
>   resign "for personal reasons" five months before a general election is
>   a conundrum to most people, and obviously we shall see how this plays
>   out politically in the coming weeks. But Tenet's resignation wasn't
>   the biggest conundrum of the week. Since it was revealed that Ahmed
>   Chalabi passed secrets to the Iranians, a fascinating guessing game
>   has gripped Washington: who was the mystery drunk that told Chalabi
>   that the CIA had broken the Iranian spy service's secret
>   communications code? The New York Times reported last week that in a
>   cable to Tehran, an Iranian official "recounted how Mr. Chalabi had
>   said that one of 'them' - a reference to an American - had revealed
>   the code-breaking operation, the officials said. The Iranian reported
>   that Mr. Chalabi said the American was drunk." And so, as a service to
>   our readers, we are proud to present:
>
>    The Top Ten Conservative Idiots White House Mystery Drunk Fact Sheet
>
>   Was it Donald Rumsfeld?
>   At press conferences Rumsfeld is frequently seen waving his hands in
>   the manner of someone frenetically describing last night's basketball
>   game to the bartender. He is also in the habit of asking himself
>   questions and then answering them: "Will Kobe Bryant's trial affect
>   his performance in the finals? Hard to say. Will the Lakers take down
>   the Pistons this year? You bet." 
>   Favorite tipple: Rum Shooter. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Good.
>   Was it Richard Perle?
>   Known as the "Prince of Darkness," Perle is the kind of drinker who
>   sits by himself at the end of the bar and looks like a respectable old
>   gentleman until you realize he'd been getting quietly wasted all
>   night. If the only free seat in the entire bar is the one next to him,
>   think twice before sitting in it, unless you want to hear long,
>   incoherent stories about how much better things were when "the blacks
>   knew their place." 
>   Favorite tipple: Bloody Mary. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Excellent.
>   Was it John Ashcroft?
>   A staunch fundamentalist Christian, there's about as much chance of
>   John Ashcroft being the White House mystery drunk as there is of the
>   next leader of Iraq dying of natural causes. Anointing himself with
>   Crisco and believing that calico cats are minions of the devil, yes.
>   Getting drunk and giving away important national security information,
>   no. 
>   Favorite tipple: Holy Water. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Zero.
>   Was it Dick Cheney?
>   His permanent scowl constantly suggests that he may be about to ask
>   the age-old bar-room question, "Are you looking at my girlfriend?"
>   (Immediately followed, of course, by the dreaded, "Why not? Are you
>   saying there's something wrong with her?") However, since Dick suffers
>   from a chronic heart condition his doctors will have surely suggested
>   that he not drink alcohol. 
>   Favorite tipple: Barbecue Sauce. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Unlikely.
>   Was it Condoleezza Rice?
>   She spiked the punch back at the senior prom, and now she's the
>   National Security Advisor. At dinner parties, Condoleezza likes to hit
>   the sauce early and usually ends up being carried out to a cab by
>   midnight. She has occasionally been known to mistake the president for
>   her nonexistent husband. But is she the White House Mystery Drunk? 
>   Favorite tipple: Whatever's in the liquor cabinet. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Impressive.
>   Was it George W. Bush?
>   He chokes on pretzels, falls off mountain bikes and Segways, has a
>   problem with umbrellas, can barely speak without slurring his words,
>   and can't appear to find his ass with both hands - but did George W.
>   Bush pass crucial top-secret information to Chalabi? Only if you
>   believe that his administration actually gives him access to crucial
>   top-secret information. 
>   Favorite tipple: Coors Light poured through a plastic tube. 
>   Chance of being Mystery Drunk: Drunk, yes. Mystery, no.
>
>   3 Kelli Arena (and John Ashcroft) excessive spin excessive spin
>   excessive spin excessive spin excessive spin
>   In a recent CNN segment, Justice Correspondent Kelli Arena made a
>   staggering claim: that al Qaeda endorses John Kerry for president.
>   During Arena's videotaped report, which discussed whether al Qaeda
>   might attack the U.S. again before November's elections, she
>   commented, "Neither John Kerry nor the president has said troops
>   pulled out of Iraq any time soon. But there is some speculation that
>   al Qaeda believes it has a better chance of winning in Iraq if John
>   Kerry is in the White House." Oh really? Speculation by whom? Well how
>   about Bush's Attorney General John Ashcroft. A couple weeks ago
>   Ashcroft announced that the terrorists were definitely attacking this
>   summer and we're all going to die, so duck and cover, run to the
>   hills, all that good stuff. (Incidentally this was all news to Tom
>   Ridge, who had no idea what Ashcroft was talking about). But during
>   that announcement, Ashcroft said, "The Madrid railway bombings were
>   perceived by Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda to have advanced their
>   cause. Al Qaeda may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United
>   States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences." Got
>   it? If there's another major attack, make sure to vote for the guy who
>   let it happen. Otherwise, uh, the terrorists have won. Now, we expect
>   this kind of utterly contemptible bullshit from Ashcroft, but to hear
>   it bastardized into "there is some speculation that al Qaeda believes
>   it has a better chance of winning in Iraq if John Kerry is in the
>   White House" is really quite... what am I saying. Obviously we expect
>   this kind of utterly contemptible bullshit from CNN as well.
>
>   4 Enron greed greed quid pro quo
>   CBS News dropped a bomb on Enron last week after they obtained audio
>   tapes of Enron traders discussing such entertaining subjects as how
>   Ken Lay "fucks California," how Enron stole money from "Grandma
>   Millie," and how Grandma Millie, um, "wants her fucking money back for
>   all the power you've charged right up, jammed right up her ass for
>   fucking $250 a megawatt hour." Yes, after years of allegations that
>   Enron was deliberately defrauding the state of California by causing a
>   massive energy crisis, the evidence was made public last week, and it
>   wasn't pretty. The energy company's traders were caught ordering power
>   plants to be shut down and gloating about a huge forest fire which
>   closed a major transmission line into California, as well as
>   suggesting that they would "love to see Ken Lay Secretary of Energy,"
>   and dreaming about how "When this election comes Bush will fucking
>   whack this shit, man. He won't play this price-cap bullshit." Funnily
>   enough, Bush gave a speech during the energy crisis in which he said,
>   "We will not take any action that makes California's problems worse
>   and that's why I oppose price caps." Hmm... isn't that called "aiding
>   and abetting?" See, former governor Gray Davis was trying to get Bush
>   to impose price caps on electricity in California, but Bush refused.
>   Meanwhile Our Great Leader's surrogates were running attack ads
>   accusing Davis of failing to protect Californians from rising power
>   prices (see Idiots 24). And finally, Davis was ousted by groping
>   Austrian beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger, who coincidentally met with
>   Enron executives during the energy crisis (Schwarzenegger says he
>   doesn't remember the meeting, of course). What a disaster.
>
>   5 Dick Cheney quid pro quo
>   Is anyone surprised to learn that a recently-discovered Pentagon email
>   may confirm that Dick Cheney actually "coordinated a huge Halliburton
>   government contract for Iraq," despite denying any interest in his
>   former company? Anyone? Hands up if you think that there is absolutely
>   no connection between Vice President Cheney, Halliburton, and the
>   invasion of Iraq. Yes, you sir. You at the back. Sorry sir, you'll
>   have to speak up. No, I'm sorry, I don't understand you. What's that?
>   I'm a fucking what? Un-American what now? I'm sorry sir, it's hard for
>   me to understand what you're saying. Slow down. Take a deep breath.
>   Wipe your chin. Oh dear, he's passed out. Anyone else?
>
>   6 Trent Lott dumb
>   It's been a while since the Mississippi Hair-Helmet last cracked the
>   Top Ten - I guess it's harder to get noticed after you've been forced
>   to resign from your leadership position in disgrace. But he's back
>   with a vengeance this week, all thanks to the Abu Ghraib prison
>   scandal. And guess what? Trent is firmly on the side of the wingnuts
>   who believe that torturing Iraqis is not a big deal. What a surprise.
>   Trent is uncomfortable with the "physical perversion" aspect of the
>   torture, but doesn't have a problem with the dog attacks, and the, uh,
>   deadly beatings. "Hey, nothing wrong with holding a dog up there,
>   unless the dog ate him, scared him with a dog," said he during an
>   interview. Uh, Trent, the dog did "eat him" you moron. When asked
>   about prisoners who had died from beatings at Abu Ghraib, Trent
>   compassionately responded, "This is not Sunday school; this is
>   interrogation; this is rough stuff." Fortunately Trent did show a
>   little sympathy for the 70%-90% of the Abu Ghraib prisoners who by the
>   Red Cross's estimation were innocent civilians. Some of the prisoners
>   "should not have been prisoners in the first place..." said Trent.
>   Hang on - there's more. "...probably should have been killed." Ah,
>   okay. You know what though? I bet if Strom Thurmond were president we
>   wouldn't have had all these problems.
>
>   7 Dana Rohrabacher hypocrisy helping the terrorists
>   Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) is a fucking idiot. How big of an idiot
>   is he? A very big one. Appearing on CNN's Crossfire last week,
>   Rohrabacher blamed the Democrats in general and Al Gore in particular
>   for September 11. Said he on CNN's Crossfire, "It's the Democratic
>   Party and of course it's Al Gore, who knows a lot about incompetence,
>   I might add, that got us into this mess; 9/11 was on the way; 9/11 was
>   on the way by the time President Bush was inaugurated." Hmm, that's
>   odd. See, Dana Rohrabacher used to be a pretty big fan of Osama bin
>   Laden's protectors, the Taliban. How big of a fan? Well, a very big
>   one. According to a 2002 report in the OC Weekly, Rohrabacher "lobbied
>   shamelessly for the Taliban" during the 1990s. In 1996 he wrote an
>   article claiming that the "Taliban could provide stability in an area
>   where chaos was creating a real threat to the U.S." Later in the
>   article he claimed that the Taliban were "not terrorists or
>   revolutionaries," that media reports of the Taliban's nutjob religious
>   fundamentalism were "nonsense," and that they posed no threat to the
>   United States. Look - here's a picture of him in Afghanistan back in
>   1988!
>
>   Mind you, on September 11 Rohrabacher did stand before a microphone
>   and say "Ive been begging people to do something about Afghanistan,
>   and I said if we didnt do anything about the Taliban, we would pay a
>   dear price." So there's always the possibility that's he's severely
>   mentally ill. Actually it kinda makes you wonder why they let him go
>   on television.
>
>   8 The RNC racism racism
>   Whoops - looks like the GOP's latest outreach to Latino voters has
>   been a bit of a flop. On their website, the Republicans have a page
>   where Spanish-speakers can sign up for email newsletters "about the
>   topics that most interest you." The page asks interested parties for
>   their name, email address, telephone number - typical demographic
>   information. Then they ask what your job is. Which is fine, provided
>   you're a) war veteran or retired military, b) teacher or educator, c)
>   senior citizen, or d) farmer or rancher. Because those are the only
>   choices - there's not even an option for "other." Come on GOP, you can
>   stereotype better than that. How about including some options for
>   fruit-picker, or taco-vendor, or bullfighter? Morons.
>
>   9 Team Bush election stealing lying flip-flopping
>   The Washington Post reported last week that Team Bush is "making
>   history" with an election campaign of "unprecedented negativity," and
>   that the "ferocious Bush assault on Kerry this spring has been
>   extraordinary, both for the volume of attacks and for the liberties
>   the president and his campaign have taken with the facts." So far Bush
>   has aired almost 50,000 negative attack ads against his opponent, 75%
>   of his advertising. In contrast, Kerry's ads are 73% positive.
>   According to Brown University professor Darrell West, "Bush's level of
>   negative advertising is already higher than the levels reached in the
>   2000, 1996 and 1992 campaigns." And according to the Post, "The
>   campaign ads, which are most scrutinized, have produced a torrent of
>   misstatements." All of which is quite interesting in the context of an
>   interview Bush gave to David Horowitz back in 1999, where, when asked
>   if he had the potential to "reshape the political landscape," he
>   responded, "In the course of the campaign, it's the first thing I want
>   to do. The second is to elevate the discourse. I'm not going to
>   participate in the old Washington, D.C., game of gossip and slander."
>   My, how times have changed. That sounds spookily to close to a... dare
>   I say it... flip-flop?
>
>   10 Donald Rumsfeld dumb
>   And finally, according to the BBC, Donald Rumsfeld reports that his
>   wife "often needles him about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden -
>   often just after they wake up." Rumsfeld said, "When I walk out of the
>   bedroom in the morning, my wife frequently rolls over and says,
>   'Where's UBL?'" Crikey. Can you imagine that? I mean, you're one of
>   the guys in charge of country, 9/11 happened on your watch, the man
>   responsible has disappeared, and your wife nags you about it every
>   morning when you get up? Geez, how much more of that is Rumsfeld gonna
>   be able to take before he flips out one morning and yells, "HOW MANY
>   DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? HE'S IN THE BASEMENT AND HE'S NOT
>   COMING OUT UNTIL OCTOBER." See you next week!
>
>   Linked cites verifying the aforementioned idiots can be found at:
>        http://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/index.html            
>   _____________________________________________________________________
>   "If ye love wealth better than liberty ..
>    servitude better than freedom ..
>    go home from us in peace.
>    We ask not your counsel or your arms ..
>    May your chains set lightly upon you.
>    May posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."
>                                             - Samuel Adams
>    _____________________________________________________________________