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Lucy James (lucy@netcom.com) wrote:

: one of their quarterly block-parties.  My 22 year old son, a budding
[....]
: I met him at the gallery and he introduced me to the gallery owner
: 'I'd like you to meet my mom, Lucy...' I beamed with a big smile...
: From there it was taking lots of pictures of him and his work.

I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
yourself as his "parent"?  

In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com> dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
>Lucy James (lucy@netcom.com) wrote:
>
>: one of their quarterly block-parties.  My 22 year old son, a budding
>[....]
>: I met him at the gallery and he introduced me to the gallery owner
>: 'I'd like you to meet my mom, Lucy...' I beamed with a big smile...
>: From there it was taking lots of pictures of him and his work.
>
>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
>yourself as his "parent"?  

David, 
	As I see it, it was better for him to introduce Lucy as his Mom,
since it potentially avoided any unnecessary questioning by others, and
since "parent" is not a commonly used term (as I see it) it could have
caused unforseen uncomfortable situations.  It did not detract from his
day for him to introduce her as Mom - it only added to her pride in him
and his work!  By, the way what was not necessary - Lucy may not be his
biological mother but she sure as the sun rises in the east she is his 
mother now.

Just my .02 worth with a question.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Kieran 

-- 
+--- Kieran Nigel James ------+ "Only with the heart can one see rightly;   +
| kieran@expert.cc.purdue.edu | what is essential is invisible to the eye." |
| an73579@anon.penet.fi       |        -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery          |
+-----------------------------+---------------------------------------------+

In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com> dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
>Lucy James (lucy@netcom.com) wrote:
>
>: one of their quarterly block-parties.  My 22 year old son, a budding
>[....]
>: I met him at the gallery and he introduced me to the gallery owner
>: 'I'd like you to meet my mom, Lucy...' I beamed with a big smile...
>: From there it was taking lots of pictures of him and his work.
>
>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
>yourself as his "parent"?  


David

What you observe is true. The situation was one of pressure. Actually
it started back in November over Thanksgiving dinner. During the
dinner conversation my son remarked how he missed his father. That
of course plucked one of my heart strings.  With teary eyes I told him
that I missed his father too.  He was good loving father but I had
to let him go. My son asked me if he could still call me dad. I said
for the time being but there would come a time when he would have to
resolve who I was going to be in the family unit.  It makes no sense
in this culture to refer to me in public as his father.  The reference
would only cause problems for every one.  The gallery event was just
such a time.

The situation you observe is called 'The Uninvited Dilemma' which is
the title of a book discussing the transsexual's transition journey and
the way that journey impacts the people around him/her.  I perceive
the pressure you speak of as coming from our cultures inability to
accept gender identitiy and sexual orientation as a spectrums rather than
bi-polar points.

You observered that he already has a mom.  Well interestingly enough
I'm his third mom now.  His natural mother, my first ex-spouse, just
graduated from UCLA and has entered law school and could not make it.
His step-mother, my second ex-spouse, was there at the gallery as well
to show loving support.  During the Christmas season he introduced me
to some of his friends as 'and this is Lucy..' So we have been taking
small steps to bring me into focus as an important member of the
family unit.  When I spoke to him on the phone before the showing I
only asked him that he not refer to me as dad.  I also gave him the
option of me not being there if it would bother him.  That would have
hurt my feelings deeply but I was willing to support him with that
option if he needed the space.  He asked me to be there with my loving
support and so I was there.  I asked that he not refer to me as dad
and he gave me loving support in return and introduced me as his mom.
I can't think a better reason for feeling so proud of my son.

Lucy J.

In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com> dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
>yourself as his "parent"?  
	Parent is certainly good but I wonder if it might be preferable
	to divorce the gender implications from the words "mom" and "dad".
	At first blush this sounds absurd but if you examine the issue
	from a reproductive point of view then it makes perfect sense.
		Father/dad = sperm carrier
		Mother/mom = egg carrier
	All other connotations to "mom" and "dad" are socially imposed 
	and quite changeable.  In fact it could be argued that women
	and men will not be free to achieve their full potential
	until sex and gender are separated completely. 


							smg

gardner@metronet.com (Stephen M. Gardner) writes:

>In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com> dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
>>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
>>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
>>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
>>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
>>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
>>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
>>yourself as his "parent"?  
>	Parent is certainly good but I wonder if it might be preferable
>	to divorce the gender implications from the words "mom" and "dad".
>	At first blush this sounds absurd but if you examine the issue
>	from a reproductive point of view then it makes perfect sense.
>		Father/dad = sperm carrier
>		Mother/mom = egg carrier
>	All other connotations to "mom" and "dad" are socially imposed 
>	and quite changeable.  In fact it could be argued that women
>	and men will not be free to achieve their full potential
>	until sex and gender are separated completely. 


Weeelllll, I kinda like women as we are, especially dykes.  I'd
like to change the economic, social and political realm we have
been limited to participating in, but I like the ways women
interact.  I appreciate some of the ways men interact, but I'm
happy that it is their realm and I'd like them to keep it.   
This is of course intensly personal and is only what I want.

Tala@crl.com


-- 
  |  Tala Brandeis                 |  tala@crl.com    .com  |
  |  2215-R Market Street          |                        |
  |  Suite 247                     |                        |
  |  San Francisco, CA 94114-1612  |                        |

In article <2nsj1p$hno@crl2.crl.com>, dk@crl.com (David A. Kaye) writes:
|>Lucy James (lucy@netcom.com) wrote:
|>
|>: one of their quarterly block-parties.  My 22 year old son, a budding
|>[....]
|>: I met him at the gallery and he introduced me to the gallery owner
|>: 'I'd like you to meet my mom, Lucy...' I beamed with a big smile...
|>: From there it was taking lots of pictures of him and his work.
|>
|>I'm glad that he was able to introduce you the way you wanted.  But, 
|>looking back on it, was it fair to him?  After all, it was his day, not 
|>yours.  Just a little observation here, but you were his father, though 
|>you've changed.  He already had a mom.  I dunno, as I said I'm happy that 
|>things worked out, but I just get the feeling that you put him through 
|>something that maybe wasn't necessary.  Could you have introduced 
|>yourself as his "parent"?  

David,

Think about it for a second, how often is someone introduced as "parent". I
can't really think of a time I've heard it. It draws immediate attention to
that fact that there is something non-traditional about this situation.

Many TSs are faced with this situation. Sadly, many more are disowned by their
families and don't get the "pleasure" of this problem.

I like looking to successful lesbian parents for guidance on this. In many
lesbian couples there is one "biological" mom and another mom. Sometimes it's
"Mom and Mama", sometimes "Mama Jane and Mama Julie".

It sounds like Lucy left it up to her son and he choose what worked for him.
I hope he's proud of his new mom and not ashamed of her in anyway.

Lucy is a women with a child. In my book, that means she's a mom.

-- 
Nancy Evelyn Gold         | nancyg@sybase.com | BMW K1100LT (Chloe)
Byker, Writer, Engineer   | nancyg@netcom.com | DoD #1184, AMA #331435
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